“Chicago Fire ” recap (1.19): “You will be mounted.”


Have you been drinking like I told you? Good, because here’s the Shay-Severide scene we’ve been waiting for. Don’t stop drinking. Constant vigilance. They’re sitting in a coffee shop, like the biggest lesbian cliche, and chatting, as one does, about becoming parents via artificial insemination. Personally I prefer laser tag for my insemination chats but to each her own. He asks how the insemination would work and pulls out a handful of helpful, handmade flash cards showing him. There are diagrams and footnotes except for the one describing what he’ll be doing and that one just says “icky boy things, don’t want to know.” He asks her how much it will all cost and she says in the neighborhood of ten thousand dollars because she’s only using gold plated specula and diamond studded sperm collection cups. Yes, becoming pregnant can be expensive but it isn’t always, unless you get the full Kardashian package Shay’s got going on. She doesn’t have the money but she thinks starting on the most expensive journey many people ever take with maxed out credit cards and nothing in the bank sounds like a swell idea.

This is actually the exact argument heard before the Supreme Court this week. Lesbians make great parents because they are as financially irresponsible as a couple of Lehman Brothers I-bankers. Severide says he, the king of terrible decision-making, is in. What could possible go wrong? Shay bounds over and hugs the big lug and we keep drinking. Seriously, I don’t want to have to tell you again. Keep it flowing. This is not over.

“Leslie Shay, the only lesbian in the world smiling about this story line.”

Boden and Herrmann pick up Mouch for the funeral and he’s pissed because he totally called shotgun yesterday and Christopher isn’t playing fair and he doesn’t wanna sit in the back seat. The three amigos drive to the funeral and we learn that Herrmann’s dad thinks of him as a disappointment because he didn’t go into the family luggage selling business. Mouch encourages Herrmann to call his dad and he clearly knows something about the dad that Herrmann doesn’t.

“It’s like if Four Weddings and a Funeral meets The Hangover meets Grumpy Old Men.”

Dawson’s waiting outside Mills’ apartment building when he comes out to go for a run. She tells him that silent is not the way the Dawson’s do it. Oh girl, I’m sure silent isn’t the way you do it but there is a line of lesbians around the block who would be happy to test a theory, you know, for science. They go for a run because she wants to be by his side as he becomes The Biggest Loser. He tells her to lace up her shoes if she wants to come running before he runs away from her. They really are like puppies together. If one of them shows up with a chew toy I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.

“Last one to Petco buys the first round of treats.”

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