Chefs who guarantee a happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is what you would call a strictly North American holiday. Now, before we get into any philosophical debates about the origins of the upcoming version here in the United States, let me just say this. Yes. Yes. I agree. No. Yes. There, that should take care of that.

Moving on, I want to talk about food. More specifically, I want to talk about which women I would love to have in my kitchen helping to prepare Thanksgiving dinner for family and friends. I chose to limit myself to real-life chefs, rather than including some of my favorite fictional ones. I have no reason for that, really, except that I can only think of two fictional chefs I’d really love to have over to cook dinner. One isn’t even a woman. He’s a Swedish Muppet. The other once wooed my favorite fictional tennis player.

I love to cook. At times, I even consider myself to be rather good at it. My better half seems to enjoy the experiments I put on the table in front of her, or at least that’s what she tells me. I tend to use recipes as "suggestions" rather than mandates. Such a cooking style has resulted in several happy accidents, as well as a few disasters. But the process is always fun. So, now that my status as a wannabe Iron Chef has been revealed, here are the real ladies I’d love to have slaving over my hot stove.

1. Cat Cora

I did say I wanted to be an Iron Chef. Who better to teach me than the first female Iron Chef? She can warm her buns in my oven whenever she likes. (For a great picture of Cat, check out this week’s Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.)

2. Nigella Lawson

If I can’t be an Iron Chef, then I want to be a domestic goddess. Maybe I’ll invite Martha Stewart over to help spruce up the table. Nah, who am I kidding? I can’t stand Martha.

3. Paula Deen

I can’t help myself. My mother loves her, and consequently I have found myself sucked in by her southern charm. Besides, what better way to say thanks to mom for all those cooking lessons she didn’t even realize she was giving me, than by having her favorite female chef help to create this year’s feast?

4. Rachel Ray

Yes, she’s giddy. Sometimes annoyingly so. But I love her anyway. Why? Because she cooks like I do. Recipe, schmecipe. I don’t need no stinkin’ recipe. Just give me the EVOO, whatever’s in the fridge and thirty minutes. I can’t promise my creations will be spectacular, but they’ll usually be edible.

5. Giada de Laurentiis

What? There’s no rule that says I can’t have Italian fare on turkey day. Besides, I don’t care what she’s cooking as long as I get to watch her work.

There’s one more real-life chef I’d love to see in my kitchen come next Thursday: my mom. She’d probably get upset with me if I put her picture up here, so I’ll save myself the scolding and just tell you she’s a beautiful woman who taught me more about life than she knows, just by keeping me fed. Thanks, Mom.

So ladies, pick a feast, any feast — and let me know who you would want heating up your kitchen!

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