Celezbrity Deathmatch, Round One: Ellen vs. Rosie

 
 

Not that I want to promote actual violence, but sometimes enjoying a good old-fashioned episode of Celebrity Deathmatch is a nice outlet for my own aggression. I’ve always been a fan of MTV’s inventive claymation slug-fest, and have even been known to play a few rounds of the Xbox version (always as Shannen Doherty—the Lindsay Lohan option was not available at the time).

But since we’re all about gaying it up here at AfterEllen.com, I’m wondering what would happen if a Celezbrity Deathmatch were an option.

For example, what if Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres had a claymation smackdown?

Here’s how I would assess their strengths and weaknesses:

ellenjump.jpgEllen: She’s nimble (note the fancy dance moves), has a history of being a jock (back in high school), has defeated Amazonian Allison Janney in various sporting events on her talk show, has a brood of animal friends that could leap into the ring for an assist at any moment (I’ve heard that ostriches can be particularly vicious), and, as evidenced by her appearance in Mr. Wrong, is willing to do pretty much anything—no matter how distasteful or extreme. On the downside, she’s sensitive and slightly weepy—characteristics that the tough-talking O’Donnell might mock and thereby mess with Ellen’s head. Plus, she’s a snappy dresser—so she might hesitate at a crucial moment just to avoid blood spatter.

rosiebox.jpgRosie: She’s a hothead (good for intimidation purposes and a natural adrenaline rush), is more physically substantial than Ellen (and proud of it), has fight experience (the Tom Selleck/NRA feud and the magazine lawsuit, plus she holds her own against at least 3 women every day at work), and she has kids—which supposedly means she has greater access to her killer instincts (no, not to kill the kids, but anyone who might mess with them). On the downside, she freely admits that she’s out of shape, so she might not be able to go more than one round.

My verdict: I think that pure aggression can always defeat superior physical fitness (think Mimi versus Jackie Warner in Work Out). This match goes to Rosie.

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What do you think?