Welcome to another installment of Stars That Are Not Lesbians. Last month, we covered celebrities who retracted former declarations of queerness. This month, we are excited to announce that the word “lesbian,” when used in the same sentence as the name of a female celebrity (regardless of the context), automatically makes the celebrity newsworthy, because the word “lesbian” is magic!
If you are a female celebrity, a time-tested and foolproof way to get an article written about you is to either declare that you may want to become a temporary lesbian (e.g. Lily Allen, Katy Perry) or instead, declare that you are not a lesbian. In any event, as long as you mention the word “lesbian” or convince another person to say the word “lesbian” in the same sentence as your name, someone will write a story about you. You don’t need to be nominated for an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy or a Razzie. You don’t even need to be working. That’s too inefficient. Just use the L-bomb, and let the presses roll!
Exhibit A: Pamela dashes mum’s “bizarre” lesbian hopes.
Pamela Anderson has had bad luck with men. One turned out to be an abusive cad, another passed on waffles at an Atlanta Waffle House and decided to get into a brawl there instead, and yet another’s greatest claim to fame was appearing in a sex tape with Paris Hilton. So what was her poor mother to do?
Canadian born actress Pamela Anderson has dashed her mother’s bizarre lesbian hopes by informing her that her sexual preference is strictly for men. The reason the actress’ mom was hoping her daughter might be attracted to other women, was because she didn’t agree with her tastes in men.
What makes dear mummy think that her daughter wouldn’t date badly behaving tabloid regulars if she were a lesbian? Has her mother not learned anything from Samantha Ronson? In fact, if Pamela Anderson were a lesbian, she would probably go for the female equivalent of her ideal male partner — someone wild, tattooed and boozy — and the most likely candidate would be:
— A much more talented singer than Kid Rock.
— Since Waffle House does not serve alcohol, Winehouse would probably never set foot in a Waffle House and would therefore never get into an altercation at one of these fine establishments.
— Most likely does not eat red meat, because it looks like she does not eat anything. Hence, her dietary habits will not offend Pamela Anderson, who is a vocal PETA member. (And yes, cocaine is plant-based, so it’s all good!)
— Waffle House is not the only venue where ne’er-do-wells engage in fisticuffs. Put Winehouse in a pub, and she may actually get into more brawls than Tommy Lee and Kid Rock combined.
— Sharp elbows equals silicone puncture hazard.
— Not a lesbian.
Perhaps Pamela Anderson’s mother should have suggested that her darling Pamela should simply recalibrate her tastes and date people who aren’t overgrown teenagers. Just a thought.
Exhibit B: Selma Blair “shocked” by lesbian crush
Selma Blair is “shocked” by all those lesbians who have crushes on her.
According to the article, Selma Blair “is constantly fighting off advances from women.” And because of this, she is “shocked.” SHOCKED! See, Selma Blair must be the last woman on earth, and every night, these female vampires come out at night AND TRY TO ATTACK HER, AND SHE MUST FIGHT THEM OFF TO SAVE HUMANITY! It is such a terribly SHOCKING situation.
Seriously, Selma. It’s a simple concept, really.
n. A woman whose sexual orientation is to women.
Selma Blair, as far as I know, is a woman. I am sure no one has any objections to this characterization of Selma Blair. Selma Blair is also a woman whom many consider attractive.
So it really is no surprise that some women, whose sexual orientation is geared towards women, have developed a crush on Selma Blair, a woman who many consider attractive. In fact, if no lesbian has a crush on Selma Blair, especially after seeing that kiss between Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions, that would be a cause for “shock.” And need we be reminded that she played a lesbian in last year’s Feast of Love and is playing a lesbian again in the upcoming film Driving Lessons?
Of course, Selma Blair could have intended to use the word “shock” to mean a more intense version of the word “tingle,” a sensation that many lesbians felt while watching the somewhat awkward but strangely riveting kiss in Cruel Intentions.
(This installment of Stars That Are Not Lesbians has been brought to you by the words “shocking” and “bizarre,” because the mere mention of girl-on-girl lovin’, no matter how remote the possibility in the circumstances, inspires the use of adjectives usually reserved for alien abduction and Bat Boy stories in the Weekly World News.)