If you’re ever at a Star Trek convention and things get a little boring, here are six words guaranteed to stir the pot. “Best Star Trek captain ever. Discuss.” Entire websites are devoted to the Kirk vs. Picard debate, and it’s not a subject that Trekkies take lightly. Here at AfterEllen.com, however, no discussion is necessary. The best Star Trek captain is obvious.
News of Star Trek XI, directed by J.J. Abrams, has fueled new debate, since the movie’s storyline is a prequel to the original series and requires casting younger versions of Kirk & crew. Our own globalgrrl had a Psychic Friends moment when she correctly put Zoë Saldana in the role of Uhura.
That got me thinking: If an AfterEllen.com woman can cast a part so perfectly, imagine the lineup if AfterEllen.com cast an entire Star Trek film. Especially if the film had an all-female cast. Now we’re talking. I can almost see the marquee. “AfterEllen.com presents: Star Trek L: Revenge of the Manatees.”
Since we don’t have a script or director (details, details), we can use the regular characters of Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation as a guide. So, we need
hot women talented actresses to play Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, Scotty, Picard, Riker, Data, La Forge, Worf, Crusher and Troi — or some combination thereof. (I say we keep Saldana in the Uhura role, since she’s perfect in every way. Agreed?) Of course, we can add recurring characters like Q and Wesley as needed. Only one role is set in stone; the voice of the computer will be Majel Barrett Roddenberry. In some matters, one simply does not tempt the fates.
To be fair, and by that I mean to force us to move beyond Kate Mulgrew and Jeri Ryan, past Star Trek cast members are ineligible. Now, now — calm down. Here, see the pretty picture of Seven of Nine?
I’ll get the credits rolling with a few possibilities for our fantasy cast, then it’s up to you.
Kirk: Stockard Channing — Kirk is intelligent, confident, bold and, at times, bombastic, with lines like, “I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers.” Once I pictured Channing in this role, I couldn’t think of anyone else.
Spock: Jane Lynch — Playing Spock requires a talent for detached, deadpan delivery. Casting Lynch is, well, logical. Besides, she’d look cute with pointy ears.
Scotty: Rosie O’Donnell — Rosie in the engine room with a Scottish accent. “Aye, Capt’n, I’m workin’ as fast as I can.”
McCoy: Lily Tomlin — Tomlin has the chutzpah to stare down Kirk, foil Spock with a one-liner and convince us that she can save a planet from the plague.
Picard: Helen Mirren — A quiet moment; a confident, contented look; a simple word: “Engage.” I think I just melted.
Riker: Katherine Heigl — Beautiful, arrogant, flirtatious, ready for action. Need I say more?
Crusher: Allison Janney — Three words: affair with Picard.
I can’t go on. My imagination simply will not accept more input. So, this is your mission. To explore new casting possibilities. To seek out new women in new roles. To boldly go where no director has gone before.
Make it so.