Over on Fifth Avenue at
70/30 Split Street, Juliet pulls up in her chauffer-driven town car to find
Davis emptying the apartment of artwork and other goodies. As the doorman looks
on, bored out of his mind, a snooty old neighbor tells Juliet this is not how
it’s done on Fifth Avenue. Tell that to her husband, as he skips away with an
oil painting under each arm.
Ladies who lunch — The next day, the girls gather to graze on
greens and dissect. Juliet tells them what a conniving butthole Davis has
become, as if they haven’t known that for years. She thinks it’s all the
lawyers’ fault because, although she doesn’t live in her fantasy castle in the
sky anymore, she still keeps it as an investment property. Davis will probably
want that, too.
Every time Miranda Otto
is on screen, I find myself marveling at her alabaster skin. Lovely.
Juliet advises Zoe never
to break up with Eric, and tells Caitlin and Mia never to get married. Caitlin
may not want to buy the cow anyway — although we have yet to see her getting
the milk for free — because very soon, those udders are going to be off-limits
to everyone but the baby.
Mia says sadly that she’s
not likely to be walking down any aisles anytime soon. Breaking up with someone
and arriving at the inevitable "You’re dead to me" isn’t working for
her, because she can’t seem to get rid of Jack. Every time she turns around,
there he is — in a magazine, being talked about at her office, on TV wearing
her scarf by proxy. Jack’s like a bad meal that keeps repeating on her, and no
manny or brain surgeon can help her with that kind of agita.
Mia: Maybe this is the universe telling
me things aren’t over between us.
Caitlin: Please don’t go by the
universe. Every time I’ve done that, I end up in a strange apartment, hunting
for my thong.
Like that’s never
happened to you before.
Mia says her last order
of business with Jack is to get their sex tape back. Yipes, that is the first thing you take with you. Repeat
after me: full and thorough sweep!
Good Catholic girl
Caitlin is amazed at Mia for making a sex tape at all, until everyone else
admits they, too, have poorly-lit video of themselves making hilarious sex
faces, shot at the most unflattering angles possible.
Zoe erased hers to record
her grandmother riding a pony, or maybe the birth of one of her children or
something. I don’t know. I was too busy imagining Caitlin’s sex tape and
stopped listening for a second.
Juliet’s sex tape was
recorded during a vacation in Greece, where she and Davis groped with another
couple and ate feta. Juliet is a vixen of the classiest kind.
If these uterus walls could talk, too — Caitlin accompanies Alicia
to her ob-gyn appointment. The sonogram reveals a heartbeat. Allegedly. You
really have to take the doctor on her word; sonograms don’t look like anything
but bad TV reception at this stage. Caitlin cracks, "Do you, by any
chance, see a Tahitian pearl earring in there? Because I lost one
I heart Caitlin.
The door flings open. In
walks a skinny blonde, acting all "sorry I’m late" with a big, doofus
grin on her face.