Alicia sits down next to Caitlin
and looks at her soulfully.
Caitlin: Look, I’m trying to find my
way here. Really, I am. And I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have
someone who’s not "cool" about me. I’ve never been here, not really.
No? We have. Here’s how
this goes. Caitlin dates Bathroom Man a few more times but misses Alicia
because women are more intuitive and better kissers. Meanwhile, Alicia meets a
woman at Lamaze class who shares her love of children and womyn’s poetry.
After two months, Caitlin
leaves Sam because she can’t orgasm without imagining breasts in her face. She shows
up drunk at Alicia’s house one night, begging her to take her back. But it’s
too late, because Alicia and her new girlfriend are moving to Provincetown to
open a candle shop and raise their child in a nurturing and empowering
Caitlin resorts to dating
models she meets on her advertising shoots and ends up on Page Six after her affair with a female district
attorney is leaked to the press.
Three years later, Alicia
and Caitlin reconnect at a feminist rally and discover their love is as strong
as ever, and they move in together. One morning over breakfast, they read that
Sam was killed in a freak lightning accident in upstate New York while
rehearsing his show, Darfur: The Musical!
They live happily ever after.
Important stuff that didn’t get cut for time — Juliet sets up a
meeting for Emily with her high school alma mater, Shelter Rock. Shelter Rock
sounds more like a private vacation island than a high school, but they are
Drapers and can’t have their princess attending anything called P.S. 115.
The woman running things at
Shelter Rock is an old classmate of Juliet’s. "Do your friends run everything?"
Emily asks. Yes. Everything but their personal lives.
classmate, Fiona, informs Emily that her mother was also a hell-raiser back in
the day. Not that you’d know it to see her now, all head-in-the-sandy and petrified
at the idea of being the single
mother, the blind date, the third wheel.
But all that’s about to
change. Juliet feels like Wonder Woman now and has the superhero outfit to
In the end, Juliet doesn’t
want Emily at boarding school because she doesn’t want to hear about her day "in
a text message," and won’t she please live at home?
Work husbands and real ones — Zoe and Nicholas are out in
Southampton working out of the Hotel
New Hampshire. If you look closely, you can see Jodie Foster making out
with Nastassja Kinski in her bear costume. Its called being a Furry.
I do not judge.
Zoe ends yet another late-night
conference call by telling her unseen minion to run currency fluctuation models
and have it ready by morning. Everyone on the other end groans but kisses Zoe’s