“Cashmere Mafia” Recaps: Episode 1.4 “The Deciders”

 
 

In spite of their mothers — Mia and Jason stroll through SoHo on their way to the brunch she was dreading because Jack and his cable news talking head are going to be there.

Jason is stoked to be going because he read an article about the host, a famous, intrepid reporter named Caleb Doesntmatter. Mia brags a little that she published that piece and then calls Jason out for not calling her first.

Dr. Handshake admits he probably would not have called her again because he doesn’t usually "go for Chinese," mostly to spite his mother. Mia acts appalled until she admits that the last time she dated an Asian guy, she had braces and a band uniform.

Mia does feel relieved, somehow, that it’s her race and not her personality that’s off-putting.

Uh, yay?

Mia lets Jason in on her plan to make Jack feel like a speck. Flattered that he’s the trophy boy of the week, Jason agrees to be dazzling, charming and "brain surgeon-esque" at the brunch.

The moment they get inside, Mia and Jason are like a well-oiled love machine. They smoothly latch onto each other and act as if they’ve been together for months. Mia tells Jack the only thing she doesn’t like about "Jay" is his modesty, while Jason says he read about Mia’s promotion and wow, he just had to meet her.

Over smoked apple sausage, Caleb regales his guests with a story about a recent expedition in which he was set upon by bullet ants.

Jason: I wish you woulda brought some back.
Jack: [condescendingly] You have an ant farm?
Jason: We’ve been discovering medicinal purposes from all kinds of animal venom. Doing this trial right now for brain stem glioma treatment using scorpion venom.
Mia: And it’s looking very promising, isn’t it babe?
Jason: Yes, sweetheart. Very hopeful. [kisses her]

Jack sits there looking like he’s swallowed his tongue as he watches Mia and Jason’s sugar bear show. It’s not really Jack’s fault that he’s out of his league. Perhaps he can find a nice game show hostess to make him feel smart and the envy of all his friends.

Uh oh — Alicia’s afternoon isn’t going as well for her. Her date is at the bar, talking to Sam, Sam, the Bathroom Man. Just another guy hitting on a girl, dismissing the fact that she’s gay. Problem is, Caitlin’s not minding it at all.

Caitlin: You do realize that that’s a lesbian bridal shower?
Sam: No, no idea. Is that why all those pretty girls are kissing each other?
Caitlin: So you intentionally hit on gay women?
Sam: Just the lipsticks.
Caitlin: How’s that working out for you?
Sam: Depends on your answer.

Caitlin studies his face, reaches into her purse, pulls out her business card, slaps it on the bar and runs back to her table.

I guess there’s no chance he’s a lesbian-identified man named Lisa, huh?

I am sad. At the same time, I hope this steps up Alicia’s molasses-ass game. Because honestly, it’s been a month. Stop asking Caitlin if she’s ready or wants to back out and jump her already!

After brunch, Jason and Mia decide Asians aren’t so terrible after all and agree it wouldn’t kill them to get together again. He tells her specifically he’s going to call her, tomorrow. In the morning. At 9 o’clock. Scientists are so exacting. Sheesh.

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