Zoe explains the pages are a comprehensive printout of every male name in all their collective contacts. From this list, Juliet will choose her revenge screw. And why is the list in a Ziploc bag? Is she going white-water rafting later?
Zoe hands a paper-clipped copy to each of them. Anal much? They eliminate the married men, the chrome domes, the fatties, the shorties and a divorced man who’s now with his stepdaughter. Paging Woody Allen.
The chosen one is Bobby Walsh, the man who got away during business school. Have we mentioned they all went to business school together? And that they know each other from B-school? Or that they met at business school?
Bobby Walsh is a dot-com millionaire who got a "D-I-V-orce," according to Caitlin. And he’s hot. Juliet is as nervous as a business schoolgirl at the very idea of calling Bobby. I thought only hillbillies and basketball coaches go by "Bobby" after the age of 16, but clearly, I am mistaken.
Next, the girls want to find a hot guy for Caitlin. She starts to fidget and then comes clean.
Caitlin: I’m good.
Zoe: Wha? What do you mean "You’re good?" You’re never "good."
Caitlin: Thanks a lot. I am … have a date.
Mia: You’ve been holding out on us.
Caitlin: With a woman.
Mia: You’ve really been holding out on us.
Juliet says with disbelief, "You’re gay now?" But Mia doesn’t buy it. Yet.
Caitlin: Excuse me, can the possible lesbian answer that question? I don’t know if I’m gay or I’m straight. I don’t want to join a union yet or anything.
We have a union? If we strike, who else is affected besides the LPGA and the WNBA? I want to see our collective bargaining power used for demanding more and better bathrooms at gay bars.
Mia: You know what? She’s hip. It’s the thing to do. It’s like when everyone was pregnant, ya know. Lesbians are the new babies.
Lesbians are just like babies. They’re soft, they smell good, they’re fun to cuddle and you can’t understand what they want when they start crying.
Still suspicious, Juliet asks if this is like when Caitlin went kosher for two weeks.
Caitlin: I met someone I like. It happens to be a woman. That’s all I got. Just please, be supportive. And don’t act like this never happened to any of you.
Mia: Well, I went to Wellesley. It’s practically part of the curriculum.
Zoe: I made out with Jenny McGruber at summer camp. She was really good at lanyard. I had some amazing plastic jewelry that summer.
Juliet: I was trying to process one lesbian — now I have three.
Making out with a girl at camp does not get you into our union, Zoe. And poor Juliet — so busy trying to put lipstick on her pig of a marriage, she’s failed to realize she can forego the pig and just go straight for the lipstick.