“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.
We have arrived in Candy Barville for the fourth time and, as ever, are tickled pink to be going on the journey. Gary, that one was for you, son.
Our minds, however, are sent into a tailspin as the first line of narrative delivered tells us that the launch of Candy Bar is just a few weeks away. Yet weren’t we there for it happening in episode one? Didn’t we witness Gary squashing anything that reminded him of his mother’s vagina by culling everything around him that was pink? Oh, damn you, Channel 5 for your lack of clarity.
Gary wants to make the Candy Bar more upmarket, he envisages a more classy wine-drinking establishment and so arranges for a wine connoisseur to come and introduce some new vino tipples to the Candy Bar staff. They have a gargle and devise a new wine list. We are skeptical that Gary can change the drinking habits of lesbians just by ordering in some new wines, but bar manager Sam uses tremendous powers of perception to explain why she supports Gary’s decision.
Sam: What I have noticed on the lesbian scene is that girls are becoming a lot more feminine. They want to become a little more sophisticated so I think we want to teach them about these kinds of wines.
Someone who isn’t amongst this supposed new wave of ladylike wine sipping lesbian is Alex.
Alex: I will never be a connoisseur. I will never be eating Brie cheese and going “this compliments my wine so well.” No.
Natalie and Jessie D are all settled in their new home together but Natalie has to find a job if she is going to continue her roomie status with Jessie D. But Hark the Herald, and lucky for her, Natalie has got an interview lined up tomorrow.
Natalie hopes that Jessie D can help her look like a winner tomorrow, so tries on three different possible interview outfits. Jessie D picks at a wall while Natalie gives them a donning. They all look the same but Jessie D “yaaayyys” an outfit she likes most.
They then sit down together and like lesbian roommates around the country, they set up an account on Gaydar in the hope that Natalie can meet a nice new lady friend. The pair giggle, discuss dental dams, drink wine and then share one bowl of pasta. These two young crazy Londoners are really getting on a like a house on fire.
Lee: This is like the real life version of Frankie and Tess setting up gaydar on Lip Service.
Sarah: This show would be a bit more fun if they’d just copied a whole lot of scenes from The L Word and Lip Service.
Lee: Maybe Shabby will shag Red next to a corpse in the next scene.
Sarah: I hope there’s a Candy Bar Girls basketball scene.
Lee: I just miss Dana.
Jessie D changes her Gaydar profile to single because she insists that she is single, despite little Lizu who is most likely back at The Candy Bar ranch thinking about Jessie D in nipple tassels.