“Candy Bar Girls” recap: Episode 3


Chrissie is being taken by Shauntelle to meet her family up in Telford.

Shauntelle: In an hour and five minutes, you’ll have met mummy and everything will be grand.

It turns out that Mummy is a formidable woman who plans to share all of Shauntelle’s childhood stories with Chrissie. All of the tales have a constant theme involving condoms, sex and b–wjobs and it turns out that Shauntelle’s nickname, appointed by mummy, is “little s–t” — purely, it seems, because she was a little s–t. The sister and daddy are remarkably quiet throughout the meeting.

Sarah: It wouldn’t surprise me if dad hadn’t actually spoken for the last 13 years.
Lee: A positive of this show has to be how unperturbed all of the parents are by their offspring’s gayness.

Jackpot. It’s Jo. Not DJ Jo, but the Jo that used to live in Shoreditch from episode one. She is with new, older girlfriend Alicia, a high-powered American who has recently settled in Londres.

It’s Valentine’s Day and Jo has taken Alicia to a spa because Jo likes the finer things in life. (Remember, she’s eaten in Paris.) However, Alicia may have trumped her because she has surprised her with two tickets to the ballet. Jo considers this a mind-blowing gesture because Alicia apparently didn’t even have to think about it. According to Jo, she just knew what to get her. We would argue that some thought must still have gone into this.

Sandra is back, and for Valentine’s Day she’s organised a singles night in the Candy Bar. Of course she has. Sam, however, is a bit wobbly because the bar is packed to the rafters.

Sam: I’m trying to stay uber Zen about it because if I freak out then I’m going to totally lose a grip on everything.

Lee: I’ve changed my mind. This wouldn’t worry Alex at all.
Sarah: She’d just slam a tequila off another girl’s arse and sort those lesbians out.

Giggling lovebirds Rachael and Rox are back. Their Valentine’s soiree is at the Museum of London, but it doesn’t get off to a glorious start because Rach has been left waiting a hefty amount of time by Rox, and when Rox does arrive she’s forgotten Rach’s Valentine’s card. Rach smiles but inside she feels like chucking some of that modern art stuff in Rox’s face.

In West London, Jo and Alicia dine in middle class bliss amid chandeliers and langoustines. Jo names her prawns and makes a joke about not liking tuna. Alicia laughs hysterically at Jo’s off-the-wall humour, but silently wishes that Jo still lived in East London.

It seems that Rach finds it difficult to not have physical contact with Rox for more than 30 seconds. She even tries to slow dance with her whilst people around them are poker-faced talking about art.

Rach: Sometimes I look at her and I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. She’s perfect for me.

Lee: We can’t say anything mean about this, it’s really quite sweet.
Sarah: So long as you’re not actually with them.

At the Candy Bar, Sandra’s single Valentine’s night is going down a storm. Everyone seems a bit wrecked and hating the romance of Valentines with a drunken passion. Once again Sandra’s night has made Gary a whole load of pink pounds whether he likes it or not.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet,
they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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