Whilst Natalie and Kayley have their nails buffed, Kayley questions the life changes her sister is making by helpfully telling her that when she chucks in her current hairdressing job she won’t get another straight away. Natalie says she is freaking out. Indeed, it took Kayley four months to get her job. Natalie says she is freaking out. Plus, Kayley says, Natalie won’t ever get a quiet night in because Jessie D is so goddamn wild. Natalie says she is freaking out. And it’s no bleeding wonder when she has one of the Harry Potter dementors for a sister.
To ease Kayley’s concerns, Natalie brings her to meet Jessie D. We question this move. Jessie D is half cut in the boozer and soon spins off tales about her life.
Jessie D: I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend and, like, I was with her for like three years and a half. Like I’m like a little rebel teenager all of a sudden. It’s like I can do whatever I want you know I’m single, you know and, like, I’m scatty.
Kayley’s face appears to be suddenly sucking something unpleasant.
Jessie D: If I ever piss you off [Natalie] just say, “Danni, you’re being a right c–t” and I’ll be like, “Sorry.”
No doubt this meeting of minds has soothed Kayley’s concerns.
Lee: Does Kayley realize that Natalie and Danni aren’t getting married? They’re basically going to share responsibility for toilet roll?
Back at lesbian HQ, new manager Sam is buffing tables ready for a speed dating night, but two of her staff are running late. When they finally appear, hungover, hooded and eyes down, Sam tells them their behaviour is unacceptable and that she can’t be their mother.
Lee: To be fair, she’s a better manager than Alex already.
Sarah: Alex is responsible in her own naked, drunken way.
Sandra is at the fray, in charge of the speed dating with as much enthusiasm as we’d expect from our sly old fox.
Jessie D and Natalie are also present and “date”
each other in round one. Their first question is the kind of clever and insightful one that if answered correctly could lead to a long and deep friendship: “What’s your favourite colour?”
One of the speed daters is our next new Candy Bar girl, 24-year-old Christina Novelli (the daughter of celebrity chef Jean Christophe Novelli). She seems partial to a beanie, cooks with her father in the daytime and sings a tune or two at night with her band.
Natalie has taken a shine to Christina, but after a few sherbets, she fails to play it cool and tells the bemused Christina that she is “well-known” on the scene. Unless you are Papi from The L Word, this is awkward. Christina leaves while Natalie looks on forlornly as her possible new beau moves into the distance.
There’s not even time for a blink of an eye in this show because Channel 5 have just chucked two more into the Candy Bar Girl mix. Irish Shauntelle, who works at the Candy Bar part time (and whose pierced nipple we have kindly been shown), and girlfriend Chrissie, who is scared by how much the pair have in common even though the relationship is only two weeks old.
Lee: There are too many people in this show. I’m never going to care about any of them with all this dipping in and out.
Sarah: We care about Sandra.
Back in Surrey, Natalie is packing her bags because this is the night she moves in with Jessie D and she is freaking out. Whilst driving, she admits to having concerns about Jessie D. Concerns like, “What if she’s an arsonist?” Or, “What if Jessie D’s rabbit that doesn’t actually exist dies?” All very, very real concerns when you’re moving in with someone, I think we’ll all agree.
But she needn’t have worried one tiny iota because Jessie D is proving to be the hostest with the mostest. She has cleaned that flat from top to bottom and has lit four little tea-lights around a sign that says “Welcome to The Ritz.”
Natalie is so happy that she’s no longer freaking out. But hang tough, lesbians, because the dementor and partner Kylie have just arrived and will no doubt s–t all over this Swiss Family Robinson moment. However they’re shown the homemade “Welcome to The Ritz” sign and Kayley admits that maybe, just maybe, her sister will do alright in her new home after all.