“Candy Bar Girls” recap: Episode 2

Jessie D thinks the fetish night is pretty lame so decides to get some entertainment going. The entertainment comes courtesy of her pole dancing. She just wants to make the world dance.

Sarah: Where is Sandra?

DJ Jo has decided to forsake the five-year-olds and turns up at the club half-cut. She soon gets jealous of Daisy touching another woman’s hair — her head hair.

Jo says, “I’m calling a cab because I’m trying to be a primary school teacher. I have to get up in like five hours time to teach small children. I’m here for you, not because I want to be. I’m here for you. I’m here on no sleep after having a sh–ty arse tattoo for you. If you want to cause a drama about it —

Lee: Liar, liar pants on fire, she got that tattoo for her mum.

Daisy, Daisy is crazy for the love of Jo because despite Jo reeling off this big load of s–t, she breaks down and pines for her love. DJ Jo then turns into someone we would not really trust with our five-year-old child. Whist flapping one arm like a crazy chicken she tells Daisy that she (Jo) needs to look after herself because everyone wants to just take the piss. We have been shown no evidence of this at all so far.

The next morning in her class, Jo tries to get a scared child to stroke a fluffy hat.

Admitting things aren’t going swimmingly, Jo admits that she might have drunk too much and that she must be teacher or a DJ, but not both. What a riveting story arc we have on our hands. What will Jo decide?

Shabby’s handsome brother Wade is a paranormal investigator and, according to Shabby, the Candy Bar is rumoured to be haunted. Like an operator of genius happenings, Channel Five bringeth together our next segment in a subtle undertaking of overlapping coincidences.

Wade gathers Shabby, Red, Jessie D, Alex, Sam and other Candy Bar associates in a circle and calls out to the dead.

A thud is heard and one of the Candy Bar staff skedaddles and tries to explain what noise she heard.

Candy Bar Employee who shat herself: I heard a thud, not a like a stomp but a thud inside. You know not like this *knocks on door* like a deep thud, not like a hollow. Like a, like a, like a — thud.

Sarah: Do you think that’s Sandra locked in the cupboard, because we still haven’t seen her?

Lee: Maybe it’s Jo trying to tunnel her way to Shoreditch.

Wade goes to the ladies toilet to try to communicate with the dead. He then goes to a cupboard and calls out again. Everyone squeezes in, waits with bated breath, gets terribly scared because they think they hear a thud and run out of there. It’s exactly how Gary would have reacted had the whole of Candy Bar been painted luminous pink.

After being cramped into a cupboard and hearing one of the camera crew knocking on the cupboard door with a kind of scary-a-sed thud effect, Shabby feels as high as a kite about the experience.

DJ Jo gets a conditional offer to go to teacher training college and we feel relieved that this is the end of episode two.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet,
they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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