“Candy Bar Girls” recap: Episode 2


The camera hotfoots it quick sticks round to DJ Jo’s flat because she’s been burgled. Christ, we hope they haven’t taken her new primary school teacher clothing. It seems not, but they have taken her DJ music, which means she can’t earn a crust. Flat mate Simon understands her troubles. He says, “Yeah it’s traumatic, especially as it’s never happened to you before.”

Lee: Whereas if this robbing lark was happening every day of the week, she should just be told to turn her frown upside down?

Alex, episode one’s lush of a barmaid, is being taken on a surprise jaunt to Paris by her squeeze of one year, Sam.

Whilst in Paris, Sam is planning to surprise Alex once more with a proposal.

Their romantic weekend doesn’t get off to a sterling start as they are directed to a lesbian bar that has about as much life as a wet tissue. However, fast-forward the evening a couple of hours and Alex is pissed and Sam is ever more in love with her ladyfriend. Alex agrees that you should not judge a book by its cover (meaning the bar) and skips through the streets of gay Paree and all the way back to her hotel with a bottle of half drunken vodka.

Jo has made a phone call to the police about her stolen goods and they have retrieved her belongings untouched. Wow. Really? We smell a rat. A rat that has the power of manipulating reality TV in a transparent attempt to make it more interesting.

Doorbreaker Lucy got the heave-ho less than a month ago, but Jessie D is already off on a date and she’s looking for a girl with charisma and short hair. Her date is Lee-Sui, who has short hair.

Lee-Sui seems right up for the Jessie D challenge, she wines and dines her, and mid-date, she practically begs to see her the next night. Jessie D acts with as much indifference as she can muster, flicking away any Lee-Sui advances to show that she don’t need nobody because she’s a super fly, single girl who can totally pole dance and s–t.

Sarah: I’m missing Sandra

Lee: Whoa Nelly, Jessie D and friend are in a Fetish shop.

Sarah: OK, I’ll strap myself back in.

After momentarily sticking a dildo up her nose, Jessie D buys some nipple tassels and a tie. She doesn’t even check the price tag.

Alex wakes up in Paris with a sheet wrapped around her head. They go on a boat trip and Sam momentarily forgets the language they speak in France and tries to order some croissants in Spanish. Sam leads Alex to an area of seclusion and pops the question. Alex runs off screaming blue murder, takes off her shoe and begins to eat it. (We just made this up for melodrama’s sake as she does none of this and simply says “yes” to Sam.)

To pay tribute to her mum, DJ Jo gets a tattoo of a horse and a carousel. The significance of image sprawled across is pretty lame and really just seems to amount to her mum likes horses and carousels.

Daisy and her friends are getting ready for a fetish night and DJ Jo can’t go because she’s got to teach five-year-olds in the morning. Her own absence is causing her to be jealous, no doubt imagining Daisy being whipped amongst scantily clad others.

Across the Thames, Jessie D is also getting her fetish apparel on because, of course, she’s going too. All in all, there’s a truckload of cleavage, leather and hair all heading towards this night of thigh-slapping debauchery.

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