“Bunheads” mini-cap (1.07) “What’s your damage, Heather?”

Surprise! Michelle is teaching at Fanny’s dance studio! Who knew?

OK, we all knew. But Bunheads operates according to Amy Sherman-Palladino Physics, remember? In ASP world, time is measured in words, and it takes approximately 747,342 words to move a plot. So really, we’re ahead of schedule.

With Fanny still on spa-cation (come back, Kelly Bishop!), Michelle has non-stop dance classes.

I didn’t think Paradise even had this many people; are Oxnard spies infiltrating the studio? In any case, I would like to see Michelle and these itty bitties every week, please.

Michelle nearly doesn’t make it through tap class — which seems kind of strange since professional dancers usually stay in shape — but instead of going home to rest, she has to deal with a leak in the girls’ dressing room. Approximately 236 words later, she reaches Truly, who suggests a plumber. Fortunately, in ASP Physics leaks are as slow as story movement, so nobody drowns in the meantime. And we get to see Michelle’s Fanny impression.

Best of all, the plumber is Lane’s hubby Zach. Except this isn’t Gilmore Girls so Zach is actually Davis and he has one eye and he’s an awful plumber. He’s also the object of Paradise inside jokes like, "[People only hire him] to keep an eye on things." (I’m just the messenger. Please do not email me about the rights of the single eyed.)

Michelle tells the girls they can use her house as a changing room, which is an invitation to go through her things. While Boo protests, the bunheads rifle through pictures and pantries and underwear drawers and form a psychological profile of Michelle based on what they find. Sasha discovers a dirty Raggedy Ann doll that looks like it was ripped in two and sewn back together. It’s so random that surely it will mean something later.

No, wait. ASP Physics. Never mind.

The four main bunheads and Michelle go to the Oyster Bar, where the girls explain Fanny’s rules for restricting diet, household products, extracurricular activities, fashion — basically everything — to protect their dancer instruments. Michelle, in turn, talks about her wanton sexual escapades (again, just the messenger), which apparently inspires Ginny to break up with her gay boyfriend. On the way home, she finds Truly and the one-eyed plumber having some escapades of their own in the dance studio. Like I’ve always said, you want to seduce a lady, get yourself an eye-patch.

The demon in Raggedy Ann must not have been sewn in too well, because it jumped into Sasha. She shows up before class wearing one of Michelle’s shirts, which she stole during the shack raid. Then she wanders into class late — a serious violation of the Fanny Rules — with her hair decidedly not bunned, and Michelle has to turn into a Real Adult for a minute.

My theory is that Sasha has a crush on Michelle, but I have absolutely no basis for that other than anything can happen when ASP Physics rules. Having rebellion be a ploy for attention is far too pedestrian.

After class, Ginny’s crazy mother Claire bursts in to tell Michelle how horrible she is for encouraging Ginny to break up with the gay boyfriend who kept their house nice.

Michelle is devastated by her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, but Boo’s mom Nanette comes to the rescue with a grape juice box and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. I want a friend who carries treats in her purse and will pet my hair when I’m upset, even if she’s a little unstable, too. Nanette tells Michelle what a great influence she’s had on the girls, especially Boo. That’s a little worrisome considering some of the things Michelle has told the bunheads, but Paradise is not exactly teeming with role models.

Random ASP moments

"Are you teaching my daughter to strip? Bo judgment — I always told her she should have something to fall back on. I figured typing but this could be good."

"Cardio strip tease will now be offered Fridays at 10, right between I wish I was still in bed and where did I go wrong."

"Come back next week when the part of Me will be played by Anna Farris."

"[The credit card is] actually supposed to be for emergencies, but what isn’t an emergency? With global warming and the end of the world and all, everything’s fairly dire."

"Saw your grandpa on the truck. Nice lookin’ man."
"That’s my grandmother. Women looked different back then."

"Why do you sleep with a jar of peanut butter by your bed?"
"You’ll understand when you’re older."

"I don’t have that kid-friendly gene. I’m all sharp corners and a pool with no cover."

"My mother sucked she was like a non mother. I called her Deb. It wasn’t even her name, it’s just what I called her."

"You can’t listen to Claire, she’s unstable and her hair never moves."

All in all, this was a great episode, even without Fanny. What did you think? Is little Michelle growing up? What’s going on with Sasha? Is Melanie as hot for Ginny as her eyes seem to say?

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