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Paige Schilt on “Queer Rock Love” and unconventional families

Paige Schilt‘s memoir Queer Rock Love is more than just a memoir about Paige’s life as a queer woman. The story begins with how she and her partner Katy met, fell in love and got married. Once the initial euphoria of new love begins to simmer, real life sets in for the couple, who are met with obstacles that many of us can relate to. From trying to have a child, to Paige being unhappy in her career, to living in a rural area that is not accepting of the queer community, to Katy making her gender non-conforming identity public, to Katy’s gradual health decline that leaves her ultimately bed ridden. Although continually challenged, this family shows strength and compassion, which ultimately leads to positive changes in their lives.

Queer Rock Love is a story about the unconditional love between two people. It’s about learning to navigate through the ups and downs of life, and redefining the definition of family. Over the course of seven years, Paige poured her heart into writing a memoir about her life in hopes queer and trans parents would somehow feel inspired by her story. We had the chance to speak with her about the feedback she’s received so far.

AfterEllen.com: What initially inspired you to write this book?

Paige Schilt: Back in 2008, I started writing stories about my feminist, gender-nonconforming family for a blog called The Bilerico Project. Much to my surprise, the stories seemed to resonate with a wide audience. I got comments and emails from queer and trans parents and would-be parents who said they felt seen and inspired. At the same time, some of my most loyal readers were the straight parents of my son’s friends from preschool. The stories were familiar enough to draw them in, and then they were like, “You know, I never thought about what it would be like to worry about getting gender-policed in the bathroom.” I felt like I had found a way to educate and entertain at the same time.

AE: What was Katy’s reaction when you told her you were going to write this book?

PS: It was actually Katy’s idea that I should write a book. She had to talk me into it. Since she’s a psychotherapist, of course we had to talk about how it would affect her clients to know that she was a former IV drug user, for instance, or that we had been in long-term couples therapy ourselves. Ultimately, one of the messages of the book is that it’s best to be open about your failures and messes, because it actually brings you closer to other human beings. I think that message is consistent with the way she practices therapy. Also, since she’s an artist and performer in her own right, she was already used to navigating those boundaries.

AE: Were you nervous at all about putting your story out there and how people would react to it?

PS: Not really, because I had been writing for The Bilerico Project for so long. Originally I thought that some people would judge us for raising a “genderful kid” with all different kinds of trans and queer influences. In reality, the most negative feedback that I ever got was for a story I wrote about raising a fat-positive kid. That’s when people were like “You’re ruining your kid’s life.”

AE: What have been some of the positive reactions to your story?

PS: I’ve gotten so many sweet messages from readers. Mostly people want to thank me for making myself vulnerable and for being honest about the various struggles of family life, especially the parts where Katy was sick with hepatitis C. I’ve gotten a lot of grateful feedback from women who have been caretakers to someone who is ill. I think it’s a relief to hear someone talk about all the despair and resentment and dissociation that’s part of caretaking. I know that’s what I wanted to read about when I was in the midst of it.

AE: Has your son read the book? What were his thoughts about it?

PS: He has heard me read most of the PG-rated parts of the book. He’s 12 now, and I’ve joked that the book was published not a moment too soon, because he’s growing more embarrassed by his parents every day! Seriously, though, he has been really positive and supportive. I think he’s really proud of his contributions to our weird family culture. He was signing books with me at the Austin launch, and he wrote “Warning: Great book” inside my friend’s copy.

AE: How is Katy feeling these days?

PS: Since you’ve read the book, you know that Katy had a strain of hepatitis C that was resistant to the old, interferon-based treatments. In the past two years, some new treatments have arrived on the scene. They are much less of a scorched-earth regimen. Although she was hesitant at first, Katy finally decided to try Harvoni. As of this fall, the virus is finally undetectable in her blood stream. Yay for Obamacare! These new drugs are astronomically expensive, and we felt very lucky to have health insurance that would cover the treatment. I wish they were free and accessible to all.

AE: You showed a lot of courage and strength throughout this book. What would you say to people who are in similar circumstances and are searching for ways to cope with the curveballs life throws us, as well as find a balance to life in general?

PS: Cultivate community. Be open about your failures and messes. Ask for help when you need it. It will help you connect with other humans.

Queer Rock Love is available now.

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