I found this one really encouraging :). I often battle with my gender identity and wonder which box I belong and usually I feel like I don't belong in any box.

btw. I think Lacey and Jessica are so made for each other :) it's so sweet how they both could just speak the whole episode through so they always have to interrupt each other :D 

Hey girls - this was a great video about the implicit and explicit pressures many lesbians face in trying to "fit in" to the gay community.  While there is certainly wiggle room to play around with your gender expression and gender roles in a different way than in the heterosexual community, there isn't always as much freedom as we'd ideally like.

I hate to be nitpicky, but since gender is something I have spent a lot of time thinking about and educating others about I want to throw in my two cents - what you talked about in the vlog is for the most part "gender expression" and not "gender identity."

Gender expression encompasses both external (clothes, hair, make-up, etc) and internal (gender roles/stereotypically gendered behavior) whereas gender identity is a persons internal sense of whether they are male, female, or somewhere in between. Of course, for some people gender identity and gender expression are inextricably linked, and in some subcultures (like the aggressives), being more masculine also can come with more "male" gender identity.

While I think it's hard for a lot of female-identified lesbian/queer/bisexual persons to find what gender expression matches their personality best in the face of internal and external pressures from trying to fit into the LGBT community, it is even harder for those who do not identify as necessarily "female." Now I'm not talking solely about transgender individuals, but those who identify somewhere outside the male and female binary (gender queer, gender fluid, "female to something else"). I am willing to guess that there are more people out there with this sort of identity that just don't feel comfortable enough to come out within our community.

Anyway, time to step down from my soapbox - just thought I'd throw that little bit out there as food for thought.  As someone who is quite a chameleon when it comes to gender expression, I'm glad to see a vlog like this that is so adamantly in favor of being true to yourself and not to some box created by others. 

This is really a great video for a several reasons. As a femme lesbian I find it frustrating and a challenge at times that people automatically assume I a straight. I don't fit the stereotypes. I like to be a tomboy some days. I like to be very feminine on other days. It just depends on my mood and if I have not done laundry in a week. I am an amazon, tall and strong but gentle when I want to be. I like motorcycles and fast cars. I also love to get all dressed up in heels and a slinky dress and be pampered at the spa.

Stereotypes really do more harm than good in the entire LGBT community. Gender identity is especially difficult because our society has done everything possible to enforce a gender binary. The rules are changing but in general you are either a boy or a girl and there can be no middle ground. I think this not only applies to the transgender community and the struggles they face, but it also greatly affects the gay and lesbian community just as harshly.

Gender and gender identity is very fluid. And sexuality has nothing to do with your gender identity. The stereotypical butch lesbian fitting in all the male roles. They hyper-femme gay man fitting in to more female stereotypes. Throw in the transsexual male or female and you quickly see all these gender and sexual stereotypes vaporize. Yes a more femme woman can be a lesbian. And they do "fit" into society more because you cannot look at her and say oh she is a lesbian. She is not testing the boundaries of typically conservative society and the stereotypes we have all been taught all our lives as she appears to fit a certain gender binary. 

The underlying point your video makes on purpose or not is that many of the stereotypical ideas society has tried to enforce about gender, being masculine or feminine are simply not valid. they are not valid in nature so why should humankind be exempt? There is a spectrum of being masculine or feminine that goes way beyond what society has taught us in the past.  Men do like sports and fast cars and drinking beer with their buds. So do women. This dose not make them gay. And Men love fashion and art and pretty things. But this does not make them gay. A transsexual woman may be very femme and pass through society unquestioned. But this does not mean she likes men. The same is true for TransMen. Stereotypes just do not fit in the LGBT community and in the rest of society to many degrees.

We are all beautifully unique and it is OK to be different. It is OK to live outside the box. Yeah that little tiny colorless box that some people try to fit all of humanity into. You know the one where there is only man and woman and they can only love each other and act like a man or a woman and only do the things that a man or a woman "should" do. It's all so preposterous. 

I live outside that box in a life of full color. And I am very happy to do so. Exploring and evolving your gender or even sexual identity is natural. It is a good and healthy thing. As we mature we hold on to bits a pieces of what we learn and like about being male or female or any number of infinite pieces of both. It is what makes us who we are and makes us such amazing creatures. 

I've been an AE viewer for a couple of years now, but this vlog made me wanna join in the discussion.

I had the hardest time coming to terms with being gay because I DON'T fit the stereotype at all: I'm very girly (NOT high matinence), never played sports, __insert sterotype here__.

It sucks because the only ppl who approach me at gay bars are gay men, since it seems I have more in common with them. If I go to lesbian bars, everyone assumes I'm the straight girl. Or that I'm the bi girl that wants to experiment. Ha! I hear that I can't be gay, since I don't "look" it. There's this image of what being a lesbians looks/acts like--I guess it's just social cues and growing up in a smallish town. Not only does society buy into it but lesbians themselves--this is how you're supposed to look/act and if you don't, you're not like us! Puh-leeze. My friends joke how the only thing I have in common with them is being gay.

So thanks to AE, which shows vlogs, blogs, and other content that proves that lesbians come in all types...and ladies in the Atl-area, don't judge a book by its cover! ;)

I've been an AE viewer for a couple of years now, but this vlog made me wanna join in the discussion.

I had the hardest time coming to terms with being gay because I DON'T fit the stereotype at all: I'm very girly (NOT high matinence), never played sports, __insert sterotype here__.

It sucks because the only ppl who approach me at gay bars are gay men, since it seems I have more in common with them. If I go to lesbian bars, everyone assumes I'm the straight girl. Or that I'm the bi girl that wants to experiment. Ha! I hear that I can't be gay, since I don't "look" it. There's this image of what being a lesbians looks/acts like--I guess it's just social cues and growing up in a smallish town. Not only does society buy into it but lesbians themselves--this is how you're supposed to look/act and if you don't, you're not like us! Puh-leeze. My friends joke how the only thing I have in common with them is being gay.

So thanks to AE, which shows vlogs, blogs, and other content that proves that lesbians come in all types...and ladies in the Atl-area, don't judge a book by its cover! ;)

Loved this show! You are both so inspiring and awesome, and it's nice to have two successful lesbians to look up to. I like that you both show your masculine and feminine sites, and that you don't fit stereotypes. And Jessica, stop being so hot, I can't think!! :)

I Knew It... The minute that Lacey said, "a whole new world", she was gonna bust out the song!! You ladies are hilarious and Fantastic!!:)   Much love!!

Hey guys,

This episode really hit home. I too fall in that 'you cant be gay coz you look too femme' category. In fact I am so gay that I a femme, am attracted to other femmes :) at least thats what I tell people, gay or straight, who try to convince me otherwise. Its hard though I often try to butch up just so I don't get guys telling me that I am not gay. Its tiring having to explain yourself over and over again. But have finally realised thanks to J and L that my identity is my own and need to stay true to that, even if it means fending off people who 'think they can get you because you need taking care of'. To each her own.

A few months after coming out to my family, my younger sister said to me "you are a lipstick wearing, tool belt carrying lesbian." I guess that assessment still holds true. I can fix or try to fix stuff not minding the grease but can just a quickly dress up to go out. I never appreciated the need for a box or stereotype, especially in the gay community. It seems to become more negative to ourselves than helpful. Shouldn't we just accept people for who they are not what they look like. 

A lot of people have stated lengthy arguements about gender expression verses gender identity. I have always felt that who you are is who you are, as I am who I am. I dress pretty much the same way when I was straight/had no concept of being with a girl. Because I am not to involved within the gay community, I feel my partner and I are the gay representatives at times to all our straight friends (yes all friends are straight) and we both don't fit the preconceived mold, all the time. We are fluid in who we are. I accept people for their fashion lifestyle/appearance. However, that said, I can't rock a pixie cut as much as I would like, therefore, keeping the long hair.

In terms of who we are attracted to, may fit some sort of label but that's like a woman saying "I like 6 foot 5, blond, Italian, soccer dudes." I believe straight people do the description over the femme/butch etc. thing. Very rarely do I hear those types of descriptions on what type of woman you would like in the same-sex community.

lol, i liked that. yea i can sense the dominance :)

nice.

~to cure rarely, to relieve often, but to console, always...~

Hahahahaha! I get distracted by Jessica's HOTNESS too... "JAI-HOOOOO, you and me it's destiny." CraZian... I'm happy you get it :) 

Thank you everyone for you comments.  Jessica and I will be shooting a show next week... soooo if you have any burning questions let us know ASAP.

I believe our next topic is SEX... oh oh :) 

Lacey you're friggen hilarious "JAI HOOOO" you remind me of my cousin completely, its awesome haha. P.S its true - everyone wanted Aladin an Jasmine to kiss on that carpet ride lol, and as soon as you said "a whole new world" I started singing it in my head...then sure enough you break out into song lol,

Great topic though ladies! I went through the same thing, trying to fit in with the way I was 'supposed' to act. Its very confusing, and the way the media plays up the gay/lesbian stereotype is just frustratig. I come from a small town (where the only other gay people I know are one of my cousins and his boyfriend) so unless you're completely out of the closet and having other girls coming to you, its sure hard to meet someone.

this show makes my mondays so much better. its so comforting seeing a real normal amazing couple like you two. 

can't wait for next week's show! 

I really like ur guys vlog, all of your videos make me smile (you know that embarrassing smile that you don't realize your doing, alone, in front of the computer, and would be totally weird if someone else saw your face). 

It's the only thing that makes me look forward to Mondays :)

Um these Vlogs make mondays not so manic. thank you so much cause I can't help laughing and gaining a fine lesbian education at the same time. It is really tough busting out in the lesbian world and even though it can be a dazzling place you never knew..its good to keep your own values. I stink at softball so I am not going to attempt it to find people unless those around me want to have massive softball related injuries, I'll wear those high heels and dresses! Boxes = packaging = constrictions and tapes and labels = a horrendous hot mess. Thanks again for sharing your experiences cause what people think you guys say and others share so we don't feel like we are up a rainbow creek without a paddle :) just keep swimming swimming.

oh and I apologies since this is a wee bit off the gender identity subject mayhaps but it is a version of a whole new world that is "out of the box" and semi suited to this discussion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9-CS2v8wcc

Merci again and congrats on the engagement!

oh my goodness, you gals are too hilarious!  thanks for giving me a reason to look forward and keep on the path to finding myself :) i love what you're doing for our community by sharing your experiences.

next episode suggestion: how to plan your lesbian wedding :) what do ya think?

"femme on the streets but butch in the sheets" is officially my new favorite quote!

I really enjoy this vlog. The accent and beauty helps as well, haha. 

About this topic. I look like a tomboy and pretty much have the mannerism of one. However, I don't have that 'hey I'm a lesbian so what' swagger or confidence. Seems like a real downer for the ladies coz they are under the impression that someone who looks like me should have that 'need to protect someone' instinct which I lack. But I can't bring myself to "look weak" and be so-called "femme", just not who I am. Stereotypes... 

books i read and more

Lacey you missed the point! Jessica is not the "dom" or "man"...she is your partner and your other 1/2 . So often lesbians role play "hetero" relationships and say things like that. I think the best part about a lesbian relationship is not having gender roles, just two women (people), in life and in love. But I can't believe she said that, if yall are going do a blog about "gender" anything, do your homework!

omg im still not out but i no how it feals not to fit in by wat u look like.

the AG thing cracked me up b/c I wonder how many people within the gay community know about AG's.

"Come On Then Get These Good Done Debbies"

About clarifying the difference between gender identity and gender expression. I hadn't thought about it in quite that way and I agree there is a significant  distinction, so thank you for your comment... and to everyone for the discussion :-)

 "Gender expression encompasses both external (clothes, hair, make-up, etc) and internal (gender roles/stereotypically gendered behavior) whereas gender identity is a persons internal sense of whether they are male, female, or somewhere in between. Of course, for some people gender identity and gender expression are inextricably linked, and in some subcultures (like the aggressives), being more masculine also can come with more "male" gender identity.

Great episode.

Much love, bisou

I remember I had a discussion very similar to this with my therapist.

I kinda have a shpeal with calling myself gay, but I have solid knowledge that I am attracted to girls and not guys.

The way I described it was that I didn't really feel like I fit into gay or straight in the way I portrayed myself everday. I dress as feminine as a lot of the girls at my school, but I act and talk like a tomboy. So I don't want liking girls to be the defining factor of who I am because there;s more to me than that. I want it to be significant, but not a big deal.

This was the metaphor I used.

"How about I put it this way? I wouldn't walk up to someone and say, 'Hello, I'm Amelia and I have a nose.' Yes, it's kinda important that I have a nose, but it's not anything strange or different or anything that I need to be shouting to the high heavens about."

When I play doctor, I play to win.

I think I find this vblog so refreshing because these girls mirror my generations views of things.

I live in Australia and I came out over the last 2 years. This included getting a pretty lesbian haircut... why? Well because I was sick of being accused of being straight. I also felt pretty uncomfortable in the lesbian scene here... still do actually. What I mean is the established lesbian scene... those who have frequented the same venues and nights for 10 years or more in large groups of woman similarly dressed. Aggressive towards me because of my age, my dress, my hair style. 

When I was straight I wasn't one to dress exaclty like my friends, why now I was gay? So I started running my own night... and its a Queer night... we define it as Straight friendly even though we know the term queer can include straight people. I love the atmosphere of the night, I love the combination of straight, gay, femme, butch you name it. The girls don't group together, or the boys, we have an equal mix of everyone.. and I love it. Alot of my friends have met or gotten together via our night... including funnily enough alot of straight friends. 

I still get frustrated with the established gay scene here... but the only way to change this is via this generation not the last who were more persecuted, morer marginlised and forced to really band together in a hostile world. I think gender roles as always are changind. Me and my girlfriend don't have roles... we're people, same as if I date a man again.. we're people.. more similar than expected. 

ps

these two are so in love... the way they look at each other sometimes, makes my heart melt. 

You two are fantastic. This episode really hit home, having recently come out as bisexual and entering the female dating world rather than simply falling into bed with women straight or gay. I'm still coming to terms with where I fit in - mainly femme, but certainly not the wilting flower type. There is certainly a need to identify, and I felt pressure, as a woman who is attracted to femmes, to act more masculine. I have always had an overprotective streak, however, I don't want to feel that I have to cut my hair off, take off my makeup and butch it up simply because I may have a small streak of aggressiveness and a powerful personality. 

I agree with Lacey's comments earlier on. I don't want to feel this pressure to change the outside, because I feel the outside reflects who I am as a person already. I haven't changed, I've simply come to know myself a bit better. 

As it is, it is like being forced to enter an entirely different culture, and you have to shed some of yourself on the way. It shouldn't be this way. My straight friends are more accepting than the LGBT community at times, which I find sad. 

 Anyway guys, thanks for this. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this way!  

I was 'too beautiful to be gay' this episode really fits with my thoughts!

Great episode, and so true. I wonder why you would want to label yourself, if that only brings confusion. I am me, and I just happen to fall in love with girls.

The Fems will knock you down.. haha. I love these two. Their chemistry together is amazing! Congrats on their upcoming wedding!  

 ---ALL THAT WE ARE IS THE RESULT OF WHAT WE THOUGHT---