Cherry Bomb: "Cheating: Part Two"

Wow its been a minute for this, looking good ladies.  Oh how I've missed  you...

Ok this is the conclusion I've come to, if I can't tell my girlfriend about whatever it is I'm doing because of one reason or another its cheating.  If there's underlying insecurity issues, thats a whole other thing, but for the sake of discussion if I feel so guilty that I feel like I'd need to hide my actions.  Its not something I'm going to do before clearing up any other grey areas, or miscommunications 

"Some only come in your life for a season, and stay a while giving you a reason to take temporary and think that its forever" 

CHEATERS SUCK

I know some people will say even “thinking” about some else is cheating, but I think it depends…..

Also, I’ve never wanted to take an aspect of my crush, (i.e their humour or other parts of their personality or visual look etc) and then apply it back to a present relationship that I’ve been in, as this has just never been something that has come in to my mind when its come to a crush and how they differ from my present partner. I mean crushes to me are ‘separate’ feelings to how you feel ‘more deeply feel’ for your own partner. I have never looked at my own partner as lacking in some department, just because I’ve happened to like/admire the way some one else looks or acts at the same time! Feelings for a crush and feelings for an actual partner are incomparable, unless for whatever reason, you want/or unconsciously allow them to become more so. The only time that I’ve thought more deeply/and seriously about someone I’ve had a crush on/or semi to slight attraction to is when I’ve been completely single…, and so therefore been allowed to let myself think ‘that much’ about someone without having to try to stop or control how I’ve felt about them.

People do cheat on their partners with a crushes/and others of whatever level of attraction to, no doubt! But cheating can also occur for reasons of people wanting to hurt their partner intentionally without even liking the other person they’re using to cheat, as well as just having the choice of being able to do so in a certain place at a certain time, and taking that opportunity because they just can! There are people like that who do things just for the hell of it because there is just something in them that thinks..“yeah whatever” and “what the hell”…despite knowing all too well that they can hurt someone while in the process of doing so. Generally with cheating though, whether you do or don’t intend to do so, it is mainly about whichever decision you choose to act/or not act upon. Because at the end of the day, even if you’re in a relationship with somebody and would say you undoubtedly love them, it still isn’t hard to have a crush/or feeling of affection for someone else at the same time, whatever degree that it may be. The feelings we have for ‘people’ are always gonna pop up for whatever reason they do, and without your own choice. The only choice you have is whether you act upon how you feel for someone else or not. Because even when people say they couldn’t of stopped the situation of cheating from happening because it did just simply “happen” and whatever.., fact is, they probably could of stopped themselves from succumbing to temptation if they had really and truly tried to do so. Its whether you give in to it or not.

…”I don't care if ghosts exit or not, as long as they stay the hell away from me”…

lol  I love Gloria.  Excellent vlog ladies.  By the way .. is it me or was Nikki a little combative around the 20 minute mark?  "So how often do you get these?!"  etc. awkward. 

"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

Nikki was being a bit of a Jerk in the vlog.  I mean if it was Gloria that had said what Nikki was saying I wouldn't feel like she was being a Jerk because 1) She would have made it funny and 2) It would be more inline with her personality.

But this coming from Ms. "I'm open to everything, really open minded, do you, be yourself explore your self/feelings to know yourself" seemed disingenuous and out of left field.  Its ok to have your own way of dealing with crushes but Dalila and Tatum clearly explain what they were saying. "Someone" wasnt listen or just assumed they were lying.  And i still dont understand what Nikki meant by "feeding" because what the other couch was talking about was not feeding but analyzing and understanding in order to fix yourself or your relationship.  Which I think is a good idea.  Dont get swept up in the crush but understand why you're crushing.

Either way great vlog... the crushing discussion was very useful 

Turning your feelings off for someone is a choice to be the "better person" for the one you are committed with, because that was your honorable agreement when you signed up for the relationship with them, to honor them even while you are presented with temptations.

So let me ask you three questions regarding relationships:...

How honorable are you?

How responsible are you?

How respectful are you?

I've never cheated or helped somebody else cheat. And I never will. It just goes against everything that I am. Any which way you look at it, cheating is wrong. Whatever the problems, the circumstances, the age there's no excuse, no reasonable explanation for cheating. 

But like you girls said, cheating is breaking off the mutual understanding, the unwritten contract. There's no need for cheating, period, but what cheating means is down to the too people involved in that relationship. 

The cheaters that I knew cheated because any of the following: dishonest by nature, emotionally imature even at 40, commitment challenged, no understanding or respect for other people, too lazy to find some other way to deal with things than cheating.

Thanks Ladies, for a great discussion that was enough to get me commenting on your videos, which I watch sans comments typically! 

I don't want to lose my thoughts about a couple of points(hey I even added formatting! - its been a long day at work!):

What is a crush? I think the idea that you just kind of walk around a corner and unwittingly 'into a crush' is hard to believe, for me. You're obviously differentiating it from an attraction, so I'm assuming its further down the road from an attraction.

Can't control your feelings? Well, so my next question is - how do you get yourself down that road, knowing that you're not supposed to be on that road in the first place? For me, it'd be because I knowingly want to go down that road and see where it takes me, even if I tell myself in my mind that I won't go down more than a few blocks, I can't deny that I chose to go down that road. So I agree with Nikki and Gloria, that you're 'feeding' the crush, because it doesn't become a crush otherwise.

Turning it around to 'fix' your relationship? The point that I find it hardest to relate to is the idea of using it to change some aspect of my relationship. Firstly, it seems to me that a crush is a very outward thing, in that you're not feeling good about something that you discovered in yourself, but its something that you are hooking onto in another person. So in that scenario, to bring something forth from that crush into the relationship to change it, that would seem to me that you're trying to change the person you're with to be more like the person you're having a crush on!! Horrible, from my perspective! I don't think you should ever do that - because it means that you don't appreciate the person you're with in their entirety - and it might be a sign that you need to exit said relationship.

I understand that some people think they can't control their feelings, and they like who they like, and as long as they don't act on it, its ok because 'it helps them analyse themselves'. All well and good if it works for you, but it sounds to me like your'e saying that its ok that the dog is peeing in the middle of the carpet, as long as they don't poop, and they try to convince their Mummy that its ok!

Sad analogy, but its was the 1st that came to mind! Happy Friday everyone!!  

"A human

Glo your facial expressions are priceless

Crushes healthy for relationships?  Knees weak for your crush?  I'm sorry, but my girlfriend would not have that. LOL. 

Enjoyable show though. 

I'm in agreement with Nikki.

Thank you for this great episode! Learned a lot, definitions matter but I guess it´s a part of the personal understanding of things. All opinions are understandable in their own way but from my point of view I relate most to Tautum´s words.

I am agreeing that one can handle her own feelings and does not have to act on them. You´re never only a victim of your emotions.

It is a matter of choice whether you let yourself run off and go all crazy and wild or if you choose to act in a responsible, respectful way for yourself and your partner / or all the people involved.

With acting responsibly I mean a healthy way of exploring your own feelings, your needs, your dreams and life goals. I don´t mean an act of cheating. Taking a deeper look into yourself can cause the rising up of surpressed dirty/ sticky/ simply unpleasant parts of your own personality.

I think that crushes can help you in the process of becoming aware of your inner monsters. It can help acknowledging them and integrating them into your human being by accepting that they are there. There´s not always so much to do about unpleasant feelings. There´s rather a big chance to become calm and aware and help you to come back to the middle...

I don´t think it a useful way avoiding parts of yourself/ putting feelings into a box / pretending that´s all fine when it isn´t.

But what I think Tautum and Delilah meant with "fixing cracks" is that there is a great chance to fix own inner lacks and holes in oneself. It´s not about changing your partner but about giving yourself the chance to grow and integrate missing character traits e.g. in your own being.

I really feel like the ladies often don't give Tatum a chance to explain herself fully...Yay for Delilah this week for hearing her out! At a certain point Nikki just got so into her argument she wouldn't give up an inch to hear them out. Not everyone thinks as logically about love as Tatum does...but I DO!!!! Our brains work very similarly in our analysis of life and love so I'd love to hear more of what she has to say!

I was in a situation where I was very heavily crushing on someone else while in a longterm relationship. I never cheated, but I did feed the crush. And Tatum was right, I was missing something in my relationship...I felt very confined. 

Once my relationship ended (positively, by the way. We knew we just had to move in different directions) I went back to that crush (who I had remained friends with on and off throughout). The former "crush" is my new lover, and has been for a while now. I've never been happier...

I'd love to hear the ladies analyze that one! 

what nikki said, i too would rather look at couples in healthy, happy relationships..the feeling of..i want that..that rock solid relationship that they have, how can i make my relationship more like their's.
i think thats so much healthier and i find myself doing that a lot lately. i feel so secure in my current relationship though cos im with someone who i know would never cheat on me. its hard to explain how i know this for sure, but i just do. i have been cheated on in the past mostly cos of the person being insecure, and needing a back up plan..jus in case "we" didnt work out. as for crushes while being in a relationship, i think its natural to be attracted to other people, but u have to make a conscious decision on whether to move past it or not. for everything eventually there is a choice to be made, and as much as some people would like to believe, things are really not that much out of our control.

when i have been accused of cheating it happen when i felt unappreicated by who i was with and someone else grab my attention and appreciated the greatness that is me so .... also dalia plaese put those things away or call me and i will do something with them.

mind your business

I'm gonna have to side with Tatum and Dalila on this one. Because, when you connect with someone, there really isn't an off and on button to your feelings. Thus they become "uncontrollable" feelings. Because, being in a relationship with someone does not mean your feelings all of sudden get assigned a remote control, and you are now only capable of tuning in to your partner and nobody else. For me it just doesn't work that way. You can certainly try and block them out, but human emotions are not firewall ready. In other words, sometimes you really can't, "Stop, in the name of love". And most times it happens when you least expect it, with someone you least expected it from. So it wasn't like you went looking for it, it just happened. Like Nikki's "feeding" episode. It just explodes on you outta nowhere.