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Casting an all-female "Star Trek": Make it so.

by
the linster

If you’re ever at a Star Trek convention and things get a little boring, here are six words guaranteed to stir the pot. “Best Star Trek captain ever. Discuss.” Entire websites are devoted to the Kirk vs. Picard debate, and it’s not a subject that Trekkies take lightly. Here at AfterEllen.com, however, no discussion is necessary. The best Star Trek captain is obvious.

News of Star Trek XI, directed by J.J. Abrams, has fueled new debate, since the movie’s storyline is a prequel to the original series and requires casting younger versions of Kirk & crew. Our own globalgrrl had a Psychic Friends moment when she correctly put Zoë Saldana in the role of Uhura.

That got me thinking: If an AfterEllen.com woman can cast a part so perfectly, imagine the lineup if AfterEllen.com cast an entire Star Trek film. Especially if the film had an all-female cast. Now we’re talking. I can almost see the marquee. “AfterEllen.com presents: Star Trek L: Revenge of the Manatees.”

Since we don’t have a script or director (details, details), we can use the regular characters of Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation as a guide. So, we need hot women talented actresses to play Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, Scotty, Picard, Riker, Data, La Forge, Worf, Crusher and Troi — or some combination thereof. (I say we keep Saldana in the Uhura role, since she’s perfect in every way. Agreed?) Of course, we can add recurring characters like Q and Wesley as needed. Only one role is set in stone; the voice of the computer will be Majel Barrett Roddenberry. In some matters, one simply does not tempt the fates.

To be fair, and by that I mean to force us to move beyond Kate Mulgrew and Jeri Ryan, past Star Trek cast members are ineligible. Now, now — calm down. Here, see the pretty picture of Seven of Nine?

I’ll get the credits rolling with a few possibilities for our fantasy cast, then it’s up to you.

Kirk: Stockard Channing — Kirk is intelligent, confident, bold and, at times, bombastic, with lines like, “I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers.” Once I pictured Channing in this role, I couldn’t think of anyone else.

Spock: Jane Lynch — Playing Spock requires a talent for detached, deadpan delivery. Casting Lynch is, well, logical. Besides, she’d look cute with pointy ears.

Scotty: Rosie O’Donnell — Rosie in the engine room with a Scottish accent. “Aye, Capt’n, I’m workin’ as fast as I can.”

McCoy: Lily Tomlin — Tomlin has the chutzpah to stare down Kirk, foil Spock with a one-liner and convince us that she can save a planet from the plague.

Picard: Helen Mirren — A quiet moment; a confident, contented look; a simple word: “Engage.” I think I just melted.

Riker: Katherine Heigl — Beautiful, arrogant, flirtatious, ready for action. Need I say more?

Crusher: Allison Janney — Three words: affair with Picard.

I can’t go on. My imagination simply will not accept more input. So, this is your mission. To explore new casting possibilities. To seek out new women in new roles. To boldly go where no director has gone before.

Make it so.

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    • Submitted by
    the linster
    on October 5, 2007 - 3:11pm.
    TAGS :: 
    Monty's picture

    One thought on this

    Submitted by
    Monty (92 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 3:32pm.

    Odo: Meryl Streep. She's a shape shifter anyway. Why not save some money on special effects?

     

    Mash62's picture

    Hmmmm, LMAO!

    Submitted by
    Mash62 (31 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 3:45pm.
    I laughed so hard when I read this. I think you were spot on with your casting for the most part but I disagree with Stockard Channing as Kirk. I dunno, but for me no one can take Shatner's place or duplicate his performance. I'm dreading the upcoming film.
    snarky's picture

    McCoy

    Submitted by
    snarky (1 post)
    on October 5, 2007 - 4:07pm.
    I'm thinkin' Margaret Cho as McCoy. She looks cute in blue, plus can't you just hear her saying "Dammit Kirk, I'm a doctor, not a hot dog vendor!!" Or, ummm, something like that. 
    Sarah in Chicago's picture

    I am sorry ...

    Submitted by
    Sarah in Chicago (147 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 4:26pm.
    But as much as I did love ST: Voyager (and I know I am a minority amongst trekkers for that), and did like Janeway, since finding out Kate Mulgrew the actress is anti-choice (ie what they falsly call 'pro-life') I can't like her ... that level of insanity just kills the sexy like it was put through a blender on liquify.

    Best captain? Course it was Picard, followed closely behind by Benjamin Sisko, and then maybe Kirk.

    Oh a side note though ... I always though in ST:Voyager that B'elanna Torres and Seven Of Nine should have hooked up ... the sparks and chemistry between them was incredible ... whichever screenwriter thought Torres getting together with that irritating frat-boy Tom Paris was a good idea should be shot. Any true Klingon (even a half-Klingon like B'elanna was) would have turned Paris into targ-slop after 30 seconds of being in the same room with him.

    Ooooo, boy ... just showed how much of a nerd I am.

    Reign's picture

    Picard totally!

    Submitted by
    Reign (250 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 6:55pm.

    How any person who calls themselves a true ST fan can name anyone other than Picard as the best captain is beyond me! Janeway doesn't even come close (sorry to slap you with that slab of reality ladies). She was a good Captain though. I would put her right behind Sisko, making her #3 (in some instances they are even tied). I was a fan of Voyager although I thought it had the potential to be alot better (7 of 9 helped me get through the tough times).

     I totally agree with you that B'elanna would have never really hooked up with Paris!!!!!!! (ewww) The writers probably just had to throw that in there because her lesbian fan base was getting too large, they do that sometimes *eyeroll*

    As for the all female crew cast, I agree with all the selections (especially Helen Mirren as Picard pure genius), except I would move Stockard Channing. I'm not sure which character she would fit best, but it would be totally cool to see her in the movie.

    Xaverie's picture

    I definitely agree. Picard

    Submitted by
    Xaverie (69 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 4:19pm.

    I definitely agree. Picard first, Sisko second (even though he's my very favourite), Kirk third and Janeway fourth. My brother goes crazy whenever people say Janeway was a good captain because he thinks she was a little crazy and any captain that uses torture can't be the best.

    I refuse to acknowledge Enterprise but I couldn't stand Archer anyway. Scott Bakula acts by squinting a lot and that bothered me.

    HallyB's picture

    TOS, baby

    Submitted by
    HallyB (130 posts)
    on October 7, 2007 - 1:32am.

    I guess it was inevitable that the comments would involve some debate on the best captain, but I was shocked, shocked, to see that no one had put Kirk as the best captain? Really, Papi? Really? It's not even close. It's not even a contest. It's like USC against Stanford... wait, strike that last one. Seriously, Captain Kirk made Star Trek. He set the standard and defined what everything in the Star Trek world would be judged by. I was a huge fan of Picard, but he was so sensitive and PC. Every now and then I just wanted him to throw a Klingon through a window and grab some half-naked alien chick for dessert.

    I also refuse to acknowledge Archer or anyone else on "that other show." Picard would be #2, then Sisko, then Janeway. Didn't really like Janeway.

    Oh, and what about Capt. Pike? That's one of my favorite epiodes ever. Man, I'm a freakin' nerd... 

    Louise's picture

    Another nerd out of the woodwork

    Submitted by
    Louise (9 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 9:18pm.

    How come people always mention Janeway and Seven when talking about the women of Voyager, forgetting B'Elanna Torres (played by the incredibly sexy and down-to-earth Roxann Dawson)? Is it the ridges or the attitude?!  

    I found Janeway's craziness (and Mulgrew's ego) hard to take. And I would have liked to see Seven and B'Elanna hook up, but instead we had to endure the nauseating Paris/Torres relationship. Both those things put me right off the final two seasons.

     

     

    Shasta's picture

    Kelly McDonald

    Submitted by
    Shasta (88 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 4:48pm.

    I've got a fondness for Kelly McDonald. Just because Scotty was actually Canadian doesn't mean that this one couldn't really be Scottish. And look at her! She could so say "Thar be whales!"

     

    I think I need to go read some Seven/Janeway fanfic to erase that tidbit about Kate Mulgrew. B'Elanna and Paris made almost as much sense as Seven and Chakotay.

     

    Helen Mirren as a Starship captain is just genius. My goodness! Cate Blanchett could be darn fun as well.

     

    And now I know what my brain will be doing this weekend! Fantasy casting. Woo!

    Sarah in Chicago's picture

    Ah ...

    Submitted by
    Sarah in Chicago (147 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 5:05pm.
    "B'Elanna and Paris made almost as much sense as Seven and Chakotay."

    Oh yeah, Seven and Chakotay *shudder* ... that was just WRONG. Wrong, wrong, WRONG. *more shudders*

    Go read the Torres/Seven fanfics ... much better :)

    And I totally agree about Helen Mirren as Picard ... bloody inspired I have to say! "Make it so."
    cheapmetaphor's picture

    make it so

    Submitted by
    cheapmetaphor (3 posts)
    on October 5, 2007 - 8:36pm.

    I was a die hard Picard/Crusher girl back in the day, I can't believe you managed to make the thought of them getting together even more enticing. Mirren/Janney? Wow.

    Also, there's something about Kate Mulgrew's jawline that makes me go weak in the knees.

     

    Phoenix's picture

    I has a Spock!

    Submitted by
    Phoenix (59 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 12:48am.

    I've just been watching Babylon 5, and so I think Claudia Christian'd be a perfect Spock.

    I mean, think about it:

    1) She's hot.

    2) Her B5 character was essentially a female, human, Russian Jewish, confirmedly bisexual, more misanthropic/homicidal version of Spock.

    3) She's hot.

    4) Her hair is seriously awesome.

    5) Did I mention that she's hot?

    stephcologne's picture

    i agree

    Submitted by
    stephcologne (90 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 5:28am.

     Claudia Christian for Spock

    or Leisha Hailey as Deanna Troi

     i just want to see Leisha :P

     

    "I open at the close"

    GrrrlRomeo's picture

    My TNG Cast

    Submitted by
    GrrrlRomeo (1075 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 5:39am.

    I was originally going to provide pictures....but it was way too long. So..

    Cpt. Picard: Jodie Foster

    Commander Riker: Lucy Lawless

    Counselor Troi: Renee O'Connor

    Worf: Grace Jones (raw alligator anyone?)

    Lt. Yar: Katee Sackhoff (too easy)

    Data: Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffybot anyone?)

    Guinan: Queen Latifah

    Chief O'Brien: Rose Mcgowan (I have no idea why)

    La Forge: Tamara Tunie (or Alyson Hannigan)

    Dr. Crusher: Alyson Hannigan (or Tamara Tunie)

    Ensign Wes Crusher: Emma Watson (aww)

    Barclay: Amber Benson (such a sexy stutter)

    Courtney's picture

    Your TNG cast

    Submitted by
    Courtney (14 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 6:01am.
    SENSATIONAL!!!!!
    Nathiest's picture

    My Crew List

    Submitted by
    Nathiest (831 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 12:14pm.

    Captain Angelina Jolie (Human)

    Second in Command Cate Blanchett (volcan)

    Chief Engineer Alyson Hannigan (Human/Q unknown to herself and crew)

    Communication Specialist Katherine Heigl (Betazoid)

    Security Commanding Officer Katee Sackhoff (Human/Klingon -albino with blue eyes)

    Chief Medical Officer Kate Beckinsale (Human)

    Acting Ensign Emily Browning (90% Human/ 10% Borg)

    -Nathiest

    yoohooana's picture

    How about

    Submitted by
    yoohooana (22 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 1:15pm.

    Simone Lahbib as Scotty

    Mal10's picture

    Janney as Crusher

    Submitted by
    Mal10 (19 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 4:26pm.

    Christ I nearly had a heart-attack when I first read that because I LOVE Allison and could NOT see her as Wesley Crusher...then I gave my head a shake and realized you meant Beverly and my world righted again...

     

    just to keep the argument going Janeway/7 Fic is the best...Gina Dartt anyone?

    stacy's picture

    janeane garofalo

    Submitted by
    stacy (2 posts)
    on October 6, 2007 - 5:30pm.
    I don't know why this popped into my head, but how about Janeane Garofalo as Scotty? Can't you just imagine the mumbling under the breathe about the Capt's orders, the cursing with the Scottish accent, and the occasional swigs of Scotch while repairing a console in engineering?
    eek's picture

    Resistance is futile

    Submitted by
    eek (61 posts)
    on October 7, 2007 - 2:32am.

    I so totally agree! Janeway is my best Star Trek captain. Are we the only ones who think that though? Maybe two or three people in this group, heheh.

    Have to comment on some posts here: Seven and Chakotay? That was a freakin' joke! What were they thinkin? Good thing their relationship ended as per the book "Homecoming" after the series ended. I kinda liked Tom and B'Elanna though. Okay, I'm probably another minority who liked this relationship. Heheh.

    This blog is a delight! If only it were true and we can watch it every week on tv. The actresses mentioned above are on the dot.

    There's this newbie on Grey's Anatomy who's portraying Meredith's half sister right now - the character is: Lacie Grey played by Chyler Leigh (pronounced Kyler).... Is it just me or is she a hottie or what? Oh la la... Yowza to the Nth degree. Yeah! Chyler....MMMMMM. ;)

    Anyhoo, I have a feeling Chyler will make a great Ensign Kim. Oops, okay, Kim is totally Asian but hey, she could have an Asian father and a European mother. Heheh.

    Can I just say Jodie Foster maybe as Tom Paris? LOL! Okay, when Willow and Tara (aka Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson) hooked up, resistance was futile in photoshopping them on Star Trek as characters...  I'd say they'd make great addition to any star trek series, LOL! 

    Links:
    http://www.uberwillowtara.com/artvoyager.htm
    http://www.uberwillowtara.com/arttrek1.htm
    http://www.uberwillowtara.com/arttrek2.htm
    http://www.uberwillowtara.com/arttrek3.htm

    That's all I can think of right now, but LOL on this. Awesome and this'll keep me thinking of other actresses to portray our fave Star Trek characters!  Way to go.

    harawhasa's picture

    YES!

    Submitted by
    harawhasa (6 posts)
    on October 7, 2007 - 3:44pm.

    This is the best idea I've seen all year! *drool* for Captain Janeway!!

     

     

    G O L D E N

    BrownEyedGirl's picture

    hmmm :)

    Submitted by
    BrownEyedGirl (153 posts)
    on October 7, 2007 - 5:15pm.

    Riker: Katherine Heigl — Beautiful, arrogant, flirtatious, ready for action. Need I say more? ...after a picture of her in THAT white suit no words are neccessary.

    I am sorry that lusting over K. Heigl is my only contribution to this. I am really not so well informed on Star Trek. Except for when i was little i used to put a hairband over my eyes and pretend to be that one called Geordie. Im sure someone is going to tell me which Star Trek that was...probably the bad one, knowing me! lol. 

    ~I've been watching your world from afar, I've been trying to be where you are, I've been secretly falling apart...~

    Monty's picture

    TNG!

    Submitted by
    Monty (92 posts)
    on October 7, 2007 - 5:26pm.

    I am really not so well informed on Star Trek. Except for when i was little i used to put a hairband over my eyes and pretend to be that one called Geordie. Im sure someone is going to tell me which Star Trek that was...probably the bad one, knowing me! lol.

    That was The Next Generation. /dork

    BrownEyedGirl's picture

    hehe

    Submitted by
    BrownEyedGirl (153 posts)
    on October 7, 2007 - 6:00pm.

    Yup! I think dork just about sums me up.

    but you my friend are a nerd. And a star trek nerd at that :P

    (ps. please dont everybody want to kill me now....i like star trek nerds...... I like all nerds...im too young to die... :O)

    lol 

    ~I've been watching your world from afar, I've been trying to be where you are, I've been secretly falling apart...~

    Monty's picture

    :P

    Submitted by
    Monty (92 posts)
    on October 7, 2007 - 6:27pm.
    Hey, a Star Trek nerd would be able to tell you how that VISOR works.
    cosmiccowgirl's picture

    Please make it so.

    Submitted by
    cosmiccowgirl (892 posts)
    on October 8, 2007 - 12:45am.
    And while we're remaking, someone please do a new Battlestar Galactica with all women. Replacing Starbuck and Boomer just isn't enough.
    Doylerulz's picture

    Is it just me?

    Submitted by
    Doylerulz (85 posts)
    on October 8, 2007 - 4:26pm.
    I seem to be in the minority here but I always thought that Terry Farrell from DS9 was the hottest star trek woman ever! Yeah, Jeri Ryan is hot but Terry is just stunning and elegant. Those beautiful eyes. I was crushed when her character was killed off. Let's just make a movie with the current female star trek cast. We'll have Janeway, Torres, 7 of 9, Crusher, Troi, Edzia, Kira, and Uhura. I refuse to acknowledge that "other" star trek series. And lets face it, the new movie is gonna suck.
    Keeva99's picture

    LOL

    Submitted by
    Keeva99 (252 posts)
    on October 8, 2007 - 9:22pm.

    "I refuse to acknowledge that "other" star trek series"

    What other Star Trek series?...lol

    And don't forget Ro Laren & B'lanna (Gina Dartt's alt-Voyager universe as a movie...need I say more?)...and Ezri, don't foret Ezri...can Lenara Kahn be in there somewhere too?? Oh hell, just bring back every fantastic female character that had even a minor role, we'll need to fill alot of positions on the new ship.

    As for the new film...be thankful they didn't make a movie about that "other" star trek series...Kahless! i would have died.

    Doylerulz's picture

    The "other" star trek series...

    Submitted by
    Doylerulz (85 posts)
    on October 9, 2007 - 4:03pm.
    Enterprise. Didn't like it at all.
    AndroBard's picture

    TNG/Voyager mixed cast

    Submitted by
    AndroBard (24 posts)
    on March 26, 2008 - 7:36pm.

    Captin Janeway: Lucy Lawless (of course)

    Seven of Nine: Hudson Leick (or Renee O' Connor)

    Conselour Troi: Renee O' Connor

    Lt. Yar: Kate Schollof

    Worf: I would love to see Kevin Smith in this role, but because it has to be female, I choose Angeline Jolie... or some other tough lady person.... lol :P

    That's all I have right now...


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