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Lesbian scientistics 2.0: the females in this summer's hottest films

by
StuntDouble

We're halfway through summer movie season, and it is time once again to employ Lesbian Scientistics to determine which summer blockbuster star is the most kissable, and what exactly goes into lip appeal. (CAUTION: The findings below are fraught with SPOILERS.)

Step 1) Ask a question. Does a woman's bad-assness effect her kissability?

Step 2) Observe. I will profile each woman to garner an accurate portrait of her bad-assness, paying special attention to whose ass she kicks, what she kicks ass with, and what she wears to hand out said ass kickin'.

Anna Popplewell/Susan Pevensie, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Enemies: Telemarines, the misogyny of C.S. Lewis.

Allies: 2 Sons of Adam, 1 Daughter of Eve.

Uniform: Chainmail, leather corset.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw, The Sex and the City Movie

Enemies: Big, Mr.

Allies: Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte.

Uniform: Fraggle-fur shawl.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Angelina Jolie/Master Tigress, Kung Fu Panda

Enemy: Ninja snow leopard Tai Lung.

Allies: Ninja snake, ninja monkey, ninja praying mantis, ninja(ish) panda bear.

Uniform: Ninja pants, ninja vest.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Anne Hathaway/Agent 99, Get Smart

Enemies: Kaos.

Allies: Agent Michael Scarn.

Uniform: Black leather pants, jacket.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Cate Blanchett/Irina Spalko, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Enemy: Jones, Indiana. Capitalism.

Allies: Stalin.

Uniform: Grey wool KGB jumpsuit.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Step 3) Form a hypothesis. Hypothesis: The more bad-ass a woman is, the more kissable she will be.

Step 4) Test hypothesis with experiments and further observation. I will calculate each woman's Bad-ass Vector by plotting her place on a Cartesian Coordinate Graph, and then compare that to her place on the Histogram of Kissability.

Step 5) Form a Conclusion. Anne Hathaway's Agent 99, the baddest-ass woman according to my research, is much more kissable than Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw, the lamest-ass woman according to my research. Therefore it would appear that being a bad-ass makes a women more kissable. However, there were many "-isms" that kept the control group from being an accurate sample. I will have to add to my control group: Angelina Jolie in Wanted, Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Dark Knight, and The Sisters of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 once their movies hit theaters later this summer to gain an accurate understanding of bad-assness as a predictor for kissability.

Do any of you have thoughts based on your own research?

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    • Submitted by
    StuntDouble
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:00pm.
    TAGS :: 
    Gina Vivinetto's picture

    Briiliant. And,

    Submitted by
    Gina Vivinetto (77 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 4:53pm.
    Briiliant. And, scientifically sound.
    Batman's picture

    those damn -isms

    Submitted by
    Batman (294 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:02pm.

     

    I agree with the results, and hope you add Gyllenhaal to the control.

    ______________________________________

    Cloverfield? 1-18-08-underground.com...

    pannenhilfe's picture

    Le Moi

    Submitted by
    Buffybot (78 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:04pm.

    I would SO totally kiss Kate Blanchett .... only out of scientific reasons of course!

     

    TheFrank's picture

    Onward Research!

    Submitted by
    TheFrank (38 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:07pm.

    I don't think being a card-carrying Commie is cause for elimination, being a murdering pyschopath might be, but surely you can't discount someone for their political beliefs.

     

     

     

    deeds13's picture

    for narnia!

    Submitted by
    Jules (7 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:11pm.
    well, you know, i'm only 17.  i could definitely go for susan pevensie.  but honestly, when they get older, i'm gonna prefer lucy.  she fights in battles while susan sits home like a lady.  lucy is gonna be way more badass.
    ifferfish's picture

    Anna Popplewell

    Submitted by
    Jenn (66 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:38pm.

    Definitely kissable. And older than me, which makes this crush A-OKAY!

    littlecaesar's picture

    I've always been thinsk

    Submitted by
    littlecaesar (70 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:39pm.

    "Allies: Agent Michael Scarn."

     

    Oh StuntDouble. Where have you been all my life, beautiful?

    falsealarm715's picture

    Maggie <33

    Submitted by
    Emma (71 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 5:53pm.

    Anna Popplewell is older than me, totally kissable. And have you seen her lips, goodness. Other than that I agree, I think Maggie will beat out Angie for me: guns are great but did you see Maggie in Secretary, mm mmm mmm.

    ___//♫♪ let your girlfriend do what your boyfriend can't

    lashun's picture

    pie charts

    Submitted by
    lashun (139 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 6:17pm.
    That is mighty impressive. I have never seen pie/graph charts used in such a manor. I would have paid more attention in math if they were used that way. This is best thing I have read all week!
    Mari SanGiovanni's picture

    some kind of funny

    Submitted by
    Mari SanGiovanni (91 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 6:19pm.

    Loved format...who knew pie charts could be so much fun?

    If only Excel were this interesting...

    --Mari

     

    Mari SanGiovanni

    Author of: Greetings From Jamaica, Wish You Were Queer...

    www.GreetingsFromJamaica.com

    HeyShasta's picture

    Yummy

    Submitted by
    Shasta (78 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 6:23pm.

    I felt very creepy watching Narnia, especially since Susan is really only supposed to be 14 or 15 in that story. Maybe 16 at the most. So being distracted by those lips was just.... wrong! Thankfully, she's turning 20 this year, which is still awful, but not illegal. I've managed to get over feeling gross about Natalie Portman. heh.

    I think it's also fair enough to be nostalgic for last summer and the kissability there.

    Michelle Pfeiffer, Claire Danes and Kate Magowan in Stardust. Kate Magowan! Where has she been? When can we see her again? And you have to love a girl who lures strangers into her super hot gypsy wagon to have her way with them.

     

    Keira Knightley in Pirates. Definitely bad-ass.

    It's a stretch for summer, but oh god, Lena Headey in 300. Just go do an image search on that. Happiness.

    As for Irina Spalko, Cate is hot. Irina Spalko is a little scary. Hot, but I'd want to keep my distance. Marion... no longer badass.

    Keep up the awesome lesbian scientistics! 

    Radical Bradacal's picture

    For Science!

    Submitted by
    Pirategrrrl (1398 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 12:32am.

     

    Anyone woman who can wield pie charts and XY graphs is bad-ass!

    Nice, Stunt ... nice.

    Speak what we feel not what we ought to say...

    Caoili's picture

    Thank you

    Submitted by
    Caoili (88 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 6:32pm.
    This was a very enjoyable way to start my day. I think I would kiss the tiger.
    alexc9's picture

    briliant-

    Submitted by
    alex (60 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 7:54pm.
    -ly hilarious.
    alexc9's picture

    brilliant-

    Submitted by
    alex (60 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 7:56pm.
    -ly hilarious.
    LamiaCult's picture

    Awesome

    Submitted by
    Thea (53 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 8:19pm.

    You win Stunt. *bows*

    www.doubleplusspecial.deviantart.com

    Shele's picture

    It's all in the lips.

    Submitted by
    Ceeshele (222 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 8:42pm.
    Ageism be damned!  Anna has the most kissable lips of them all.  Yeah, I'd kiss her.  Well, maybe after she turned 18. 
    StrawberryPanic's picture

    Master Tigress?

    Submitted by
    StrawberryPanic (19 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 8:44pm.

    Master Tigress? Seriously? Because Angelina in 'Wanted' wasn't hot or kissable enough?

     Wanted

    Was it because you were rooting for Agent 99? Not that I blame you, I would too. :)

     

     

     

    judithrose9's picture

    That arrow-wielding girl was so hot until...

    Submitted by
    Rosie (8 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 11:31pm.
    That arrow-wielding girl was so hot until I realized she was Susan. Narnia, somehow, is completely asexual, and not just because C.S. Lewis was a big ole religious man.
    BlueRoses_08's picture

    definitely Susan in prince

    Submitted by
    Rogue (6 posts)
    on June 23, 2008 - 11:44pm.

    definitely Susan in prince caspian. i mean she's incredibly beautiful nice accent and shoots arrows with impeccable precision. and she has grown up since lion witch and the wardrobe. what more could a person ask for?

    she's totally awesome

    super badass

    ^__^

    Meke's picture

    Anna

    Submitted by
    Meke (118 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 2:15am.
    I think I want to be Cate Blanchett's character more than I want to kiss her. But I would definitely kiss Anna from Narnia. She has a Bow and arrow and she's wearing a leather corset for christ's sake, and look at her lips, and she's beautiful. Plus she's exactly my age:)
    Ed Would's picture

    Excellent

    Submitted by
    Ed Would (147 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 6:46am.
    My favourite part was 'Carrie Bradshaw's Arsenal - Jennifer Hudson'.
    Bekkah's picture

    i'd definitely be willing

    Submitted by
    Bekkah (77 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 7:38am.

    i'd definitely be willing to overlook the communism for irina spalko. :)

     

    and anna's older than i am, so technically i am immune, and therefore given permission to ogle those lips.

    pickledcass's picture

    Susan I Heart You

    Submitted by
    pickledcass (10 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 7:46am.

    Okay, if you haven't seen Anna Popplewell a.k.a Susan Pevensie rip-roaring with her bow and arrows you haven't lived...well...through this movie season that is.

    Seriously I have never been so attracted to a movie-girl as I have seeing Popplewell pull of a couple of well-aimed shots and look sexy as hell while she's doing it! Also, chain looks good on her. So would I for that matter... ;)

    Anywho. Susan = melt!

     

    beckydc's picture

    I agree. ~becky~

    Submitted by
    Becky (32 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 9:10am.

    I agree.

    ~becky~

    Quirky Koala's picture

    Are you

    Submitted by
    Quirky Koala (91 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 12:14pm.

    Are you Lori in disguise? She's the only person I know who weilds pie charts with such enthusiam.

    My conclusion is more testing is needed.

    MsLaughALot's picture

    This blog is...

    Submitted by
    MsLaughALot (57 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 12:45pm.

    simply amazing.

    Looove it!

    Nathiest's picture

    Best new post in a while. I

    Submitted by
    Nathiest (513 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 3:24pm.

    Best new post in a while. I like it a lot! :D

    Now theres something new to look forward to at the end of this summer. ;p

    -Nathiest
    the devil is in the details

    Nathiest's picture

    Best new post in a while. I

    Submitted by
    Nathiest (513 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 3:34pm.
    oops

    -Nathiest
    the devil is in the details

    fiercedesea's picture

    Awesome.

    Submitted by
    Kat (14 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 10:51pm.
    I agree with the final results being Anne Hathaway, although I do look forward toward Angelina in Wanted and Maggie in The Dark Knight.
    lushbliss's picture

    these "mock-tistics" should

    Submitted by
    lushbliss (70 posts)
    on June 24, 2008 - 11:51pm.
    these "mock-tistics" should be a weekly thing. I saw the other article that had the pie charts and such and they crack me up. Highly entertaining :0). Oh and Susan, Anna Popplewell, is 19 making her legal and not out of age range for some ;0)

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