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"What Is Sexy?" — a secret I wish they'd kept

I don't frequent Victoria's Secret stores. I don't watch those lame Victoria's Secret TV specials. I don't peruse the Victoria's Secret catalog and never have, not even when one of my college friends insisted it was the perfect study break.

So, fine; I didn't really expect to like the 2008 What Is Sexy? list, which was released by Victoria's Secret earlier today. But nor did I expect to be thoroughly confused by it. You've probably seen headlines about the most ridiculous one: Ryan Seacrest made the list for "sexiest smile." Ryan Seacrest? I think they must have accidentally copied and pasted from their What Is Icky? list.

But let's talk about the women on the list, starting with the one that really made me say "Whaaaaat?" in a Jill Bennett–esque way:

Sexiest Mom: Victoria Beckham

Uh. Did they mean Sexiest Person You Always Forget Is a Mom, Because, Really, Since When Can Mannequins Reproduce? I can think of many better candidates. Salma Hayek, for one.

Sexiest Actress: Eva Mendes

I think I must be misreading that. It does say actress, right? As in, one who can act? Yes, I'm being harsh, but I don't think people generally focus on her acting ability. No need to pretend this is the kind of sexiness that's derived from talent rather than titillation.

Sexiest Eyes: Kate Bosworth

It's hard to believe that one blue eye and one hazel eye could be unimpressive, but I find Bosworth's gaze very empty. I like eyes that sparkle with intelligence, like America Ferrera's or Elizabeth Mitchell's.

Sexiest Legs: Ali Larter

Amy Smart and Ali Larter

Legs? I guess. She's sexier when she's killing zombies in Resident Evil: Extinction.

Sexiest Lips: Jessica Biel

Nah. Arms, maybe; lips, no. For lips (and arms, for that matter), I have to go with Jennifer Beals. Similar name, but oh, what a difference a few letters make.

Sexiest Couple: Fergie and Josh Duhamel

I can't see any kind of chemistry between these two at all. Not even if they were hanging out in a lab with beakers and Bunsen burners. And anyway, everyone knows this should be Alice and Dana.

Sexiest Newlyweds: Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley

I give up. They should have called this list Who's So Dull, They're Invisible?

And now for the two I actually agree with — or at least can understand without partaking of an illegal substance.

Sexiest Musician: Rihanna

Sexiest Style: Scarlett Johansson

The men on the list are even more mind-boggling to me — and they make me feel gayer. Dane Cook, Eric Bana and Josh Holloway all made the list. (Dane Cook was voted Sexiest Funnyman, which not only repels me but but also makes me wonder why is there no Sexiest Funnywoman. But then again, a lot of funny women are lesbians, and we couldn't have that.)

Read the full list here. Oh, and one more: The cast of Dirty Sexy Money was named Sexiest Cast. I think I would have gone with Ugly Betty on that one (because, again, funny is sexy), but at least there's a transgender character on Dirty Sexy Money. Without that, this is, above all, the straightest list ever.

The accompanying What Is Sexy? TV special will air Feb. 9 on E! — oh, now we see the Seacrest connection (he hosts E! News). Most of the footage for the special will no doubt come from the company's Valentine's Day bash in Arizona this Saturday, aka Super Bowl Eve. Victoria's Secret and football? Color me comatose.

  • scribegrrrl's blog
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  • lushbliss's picture

    ohh

    jennifer beals...stunning + incredibly intelligent + fantastic actress= sooo sexy
    chellexx's picture

    Jennifer Beals

    You took the words right out of my mouth lushbliss. Spot on.
    clonchi's picture

    ugh

    you're right... the one that stunned me the most was "sexiest eyes" I dunno if it's because one's hazel and the other one's blue or Kate's BLANK expression, but there's NOTHING sexy and everything disturbing about her eyes and her overall facial expression. I agree, Elizabeth Mitchell and America Ferrera are far better candidates for that title!
    chicagoarchitect's picture

    Blake Lively

    Blake Lively's a girl not a guy, and she's quite sexy. Victoria Beckham is definately not the sexiest mom in my book. But they got it right with Scarlett Johansson.
    fever ray's picture

    Blake Lively rocks my

    Blake Lively rocks my world!
    SHE is very beautiful and tall. I have no idea if she's good in other ways, but her Gossip Girl character is really.. good. yum.

    clonchi's picture

    wait...

    if I remember correctly, Blake Lively is the girl from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, right???

    If she is, I agree, she's totally hot!!

    emily's picture

    Blake Lively also happens to be...

    the sister of Eric Lively, who played the creepy videographer/roomate Mark Wayland on season 2 of The L Word.
    ravennaromance's picture

    the glass is half full!

    Instead of highlighting the negative aspects of this highly opinionated list, let's stay positive! All women are beautiful, in the end, aren't they? ^_^ And there's some cuties on the list! These categories are just an excuse to show off MORE and more hot women.

    Besides, if I hadn't already planned for my sign I'm gonna be holding up at the Spice Girls concert to read "Melanie C, don't let me go," you can bet it'd say "POSH = MILF!" ^_~ Hee hee.

    NorthernStar's picture

    what - no Shannyn Sossaman?

    She is, IMO, the sexiest newcomer! (though I can understand choosing Blake Lively - she's better known from Gossip Girl nowadays).

    And if you twisted my arm and made me pick the sexiest man, I'd go with Alex O'Loughlin from Moonlight. What? at least he gets to cry a lot on the show!

    Phantom's picture

    Victoria Beckham? Not again -_-

    For goodness sake recently I really think she should 'call home'. Then again guess her mothership doesn't really miss her that much...
    deathbyblonde's picture

    Some corrections

    I think Romola Garai needs to be on there for something, probably best lips or eyes.

    And Marion Cotillard could definitely be a contender for best eyes, as well.

    As for best legs...Gina Carano :)

    space's picture

    gina

    Gina, yum!! good call! She also has great hair. afterellen should really do a spotlight on the women of American Gladiators!
    deathbyblonde's picture

    Heh

    Katee Sackhoff was totally my second choice for that category ;)  AfterEllen actually did do a spotlight on the female Gladiators, but it was before the show aired.  They should do another one because Gina rocks my socks.
    Vee's picture

    Crush!

    Oh yes please!

    I think Gina could crack my head open with her thighs *drools*

     

    and...

     

    I think I'd let her do so :p

    deathbyblonde's picture

    I know!

    She could do whatever she wanted with me without a single objection :)
    Aeris's picture

    Alice and Dana! Swoon!

    Alice and Dana! Swoon! Speaking of Alice, I think Leisha Hailey has gorgeous eyes.

    But hey! At least Tila Tequila isn't on their List of Bad Judgement.

    JuRu's picture

    Blake

    Blake Lively makes me feel gayer as well because she is so damn HOT!
    Meep's picture

    Salma Hayek is one of my

    Salma Hayek is one of my favorite famous people. I saw that photo and awww-ed out loud.
    Shell12's picture

    this water-filled list is definitely padded!

    right on, scribegrrrl, i agree 100% double d.

    Explorergal's picture

    Differences...

     Interesting, what those 'powers that be' who makes these lists think are sexy, and what we do. I agree with you on this one Scribe, altho I am partial to all things Ali Larter.

    Eyes, you want eyes?  How about....Renee O'Connor??

     

    renee-oconnor-newgig-092607

    I agree with a lot of your choices, including Jennifer B., Salma and America.

    Best line:  "Since when can mannequins reproduce"

    Fengxian's picture

    :O

    That's the sexiest pic I've seen of Renee O_O

    *saves it*

     She should have won the Best Eyes XD

    Phoenix's picture

    What about Keira Knightley?

    See, I'd've put Keira Knightley for lips. I know she's a stick and a lot of people disagree about her acting ability (I argue that the splendid dykiness of Bend It Like Beckham alone deserves our eternal love) but whatever other faults she may have the woman has truly beautiful lips.

    --

    No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always boom tomorrow.
    --Susan Ivanova tells it like it is

    Cassandra's picture

    Did you know...

    ...that in the original script they were gay, and the coach was only added as a love interest because the director decided she was probably going to have enough problems getting the film made + distributed as it was? HOW MUCH BETTER WOULD IT HAVE BEEN? I think it also goes toward explaining why the coach storyline feels curiously unresolved. And all that stuff about them kissing at the bus stop -- I think in the original script they did, and they just left the scene in. It's all a bit demented.
    Phoenix's picture

    yeah, I read that!

    Explained why the girls had raging chemistry and the het pairing was painfully unconvincing. (Though I remember when I Googled it I think the only source I found was here on AfterEllen, so my inner scientist must be slightly suspicious.)

    --

    No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There's always boom tomorrow.
    --Susan Ivanova tells it like it is

    Cassandra's picture

    I know I read it first

    I know I read it first somewhere that wasn't here, but fucked if I can remember where. I'm inclined to believe it, though, on the balance of the aforementioned evidence. And because I want to. :D
    TheWeyrd1's picture

    Blake Lively...very sexy

    But I'm not looking at women that young...really...

    But you can right here.

    Bia's picture

    You Know, I Don't Think...

    ...That most straight women really have a grasp of what "sexy" means. And when they do, it's a half-formed concept, befuddled and sometimes replaced by other concepts- I mean, it's not their fault. It's the culture- we are all told from day 1 that it is our duty to be "sexy", particularly to be sexy for men. This doesn't really apply to lesbians on an logical/emotional level, because even if they do not know they are gay, they do not feel a need/longing for men, and as such do not crave their approval/desire (in short, we reject most of what we are taught because it is of no use to us). So thus our formation of the concept of sex appeal doesn't really develop until we are able to fully feel, know and accept our own sexual thoughts and feelings. Straight women are taught to be "sexy" as children, before they can/should experience full, focused sexual desire. Thus, for them "sexy" is seperate from sex- it becomes a catch-all phrase that seems to mean "pretty/fun/desirable/hip/popular/expensive/cute/appealing". Although I suppose all of these traits could be sexy to people, on their own they do not constitute sexiness. Now that I've put waaaay too much thought into that, I must say: Kari Byron (from mythbusters) should have been nominated for something, anything. How about laugh? Do they even have a sexiest laugh category? And I think's it's pretty obvious why Victoria Beckham made the top of the list. Same name=brand association, the idea being "If Victoria Beckham is sexy, then Victoria's secret must be sexy because they have the same name". Nevermind that in this case, the Victoria's secret company is the one determining what is and isn't sexy. Also, which celebrities volunteered/got paid to say they wear Victoria's Secret probably has a lot to do with it too.
    Cassandra's picture

    This.

    "Thus, for them "sexy" is seperate from sex- it becomes a catch-all phrase that seems to mean "pretty/fun/desirable/hip/popular/expensive/cute/appealing"

    and all the rest is very very interesting. You are so right. I'd never thought about like that before. Thank you.

    Anlei19's picture

    I don't think it's fair to

    I don't think it's fair to say that most straight women don't have a real understanding of what sexy is when what is considered sexy is subjective.  Even what society makes standard to be sexy does not mean it's something the majority will follow to a T. I mean, what is sexy? It obviously means something very different to you than what the people of Victoria Secret feel.  And I'm guessing that you are going by your own definition of what is sexy.  For straight women, much of their motivation for being sexy is to attract someone (men) and I don't think this makes their ideals of sexiness any less valid than anyone elses.   I think you made a very good point about our own ideas of sex appeal not fully developing until we know our sexual selves. 

    Now, I personally do not find most of these choices sexy but I think these women were chosen moreso because of their growing popularity and the fact that they are not hideous (lol, generally speaking).  Quite frankly, I think they're boring, but then again, they're not the typical women I find myself generally attracted to.

    shygurl99's picture

    A sexy list is hard to do...

    It's hard to define what is sexy. Everyone has different tastes. Like some women here like Blake lively, I can't stand her. We all have different tastes.

    "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."-Helen Keller

    clonchi's picture

    True

    Yep... couldn't agree more!!

    It's very hard to make a universal list of what's sexy and please everybody...

    Ms. Junior's picture

    Dumbest List Ever

    I hate Victoria's Secret. It sucks. This list sucks even more because by saying "what is sexy" they are reinforcing patriarchal norms of our screwed up society. I also don't believe in breaking up women into body parts. For Ali Larter to be named "sexiest legs" completely disregards that she is a superb actress. She should have gotten the title "sexiest superhero" because she was amazing on Heroes. In addition, Salma Hayek is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen and, unlike Victoria Beckham, her picture actually has her child in it.
    Bia's picture

    And Also, Since Everyone Seems to forget about her...

    Helena!: Enough said.Helena Bonham Carter is a goddess. I don't understand why she isn't mentioned more...
    kallisti's picture

    Quite.

    Me neither. And that photograph's always been a dear favourite.
    IndustrialGirl's picture

    i would have put Kate

    i would have put Kate Winslet in the Sexiest Eyes category....and Sexiest Actress for that matter.

    "Life's too short to be cool" -Shirley Manson-

    www.myspace.com/grbgfreak1

    Lauren's picture

    Best Lips, FOR SURE....

    It has to be Rachel Weisz! (you know, from the Mummy)

    I just can't describe how much I loved watching her speak during that movie when I was in high school and saw it in the theaters.  *sigh*

    Rachel Weisz

     

    scribegrrrl's picture

    Blake Lively -- oops

    hahahahaha!

    You know who I was thinking of? Blake LEWIS!

    You have to agree with me on that one. He's very unsexy. :)

    And you have to agree that I should never multi-task, because this is what happens. :-/ Anyway, I've deleted my foolish mistake. Thanks for the corrections!
    space's picture

    Eva Mendes

    Sorry, but Eva Mendes is HOT! There's something about her attitude that makes her hot, or maybe because she's a latina who is a little bit unique looking. She also has that strong female lead look and picks roles that have a bit more depth than a lot of others.
    ketchup__fights's picture

    Yes, we could rail...

    ...at the choices on this list (like Jessica Biel's lips, which actually scare the bejesus out of me (lips shouldn't be that wide), or Fergie and Whatisface, who look like they bought each other matching sheens of sweat for their last anniversary in that picture.)

    But let's take a moment to reflect that the list actually succeeds where it counts.

    It truly captures Victoria's Secret's aesthetic. Tacky over tasteful, cheap over quality, flash in the pan over timeless elegance: anyone who's tried to buy a well made bra there will recognize that VS don't just applaud these principles: it embodies them.

    Cassandra's picture

    Congratulations

    You've somehow found the only picture I've ever seen where Scarlet Johannson actually looks hot. I get it now.

    Also, Katherine Heigl, dull? Really? I love her. She's great on Grey's and her and TR Knight's friendship makes me all happy inside. She's about the only thing on this list I do agree with.

    Seconding the votes for Rachel Weisz and Kate Winslet from somewhere above. But as others have pointed out, this list isn't actually about sexy at all. Or at least, not sexy as I understand it.

    I think we should all approach Victoria's Secret with the same attitude as Gretchen Wilson: Victoria's Secret? Well their stuff's real nice. But I can get the same damn thing on a Walmart shelf half price. Because, you can. It certainly isn't any better quality or any prettier than stuff I've seen in bargain bins. And their taste in celebrities isn't exactly helping their cause.

    pussywillow's picture

    Victoria Beckham???

    In recent years (ie since 1995) she's reminded me of one of those wooden birds that you sit on the edge of a bowl and they swing up and down pecking aimlessly at the water.

    Hey, I've just had an idea, Scribe. After Ellen should have a poll and ask its readers to nominate the 100 sexiest women. I'm pretty sure you'll get a few hits and lots of messages on the site. Then one of you just has to stay up all night counting them and we can argue for weeks over why we all disagree with who we voted for.

    Love Pussy xx

    scribegrrrl's picture

    *snort*

    Oh, that made my day.

    thank you.
    trypr's picture

    It's worth mentioning...

    ...that the transgendered character in Dirty Sexy Money (Carmelita) is not only a transexual woman, but is played by Candis Cayne who is a very good looking transexual actress :)

    Her voice is digitally lowered for the role she plays, as a mistress to William Baldwin's married character, but the character seems fairly positive despite those facts.

    The actress identifies as a straight woman, from what I can tell, but I am still suprised there is an interview with her on AfterElton.com but no mention of her here: I know it's not the focus of the site, but thank you anyhow scribegrrrl, for bringing it up :)

    The list is pretty lame, I have to agree :/

     

    Nodame's picture

    I believe..

    I believe this is more of a popularity list of 2008, not a list with much thought put into it. But then are you really expecting intelligence from a company that sells underwear... sexy underwear yes- but underwear non-the-less. I mean its not exactly rocket science.
    Vee's picture

    Musician

    Don't you have to play an intrument to qualify as a MUSICIAN?

     

    Granted I know shit about this Rhianna person but to the little bit of my knowledge she ain't no musician. That being said, the sexiest musician is....

     

    JAMIE BLAKE!

    Hth's picture

    Do you?  Why?  I thought

    Do you?  Why?  I thought all you had to do to be a musician is make music.

     What does Aretha Franklin do for a living, if she isn't a musician?

    Nodame's picture

    harsh..

    You don't have to play an instrument to qualify as a musician, your voice is considered an instrument. Now where Rhianna is more of a performer then a musician, she is still a musician.
    Maritza's picture

    Jessica, Bana

    Eric Bana is sexy. But the other dudes? Nah. Jessica Biel is lovely. This article gets 1 star.

    Maritza's picture

    Jessica, Bana

    Eric Bana is sexy. But the other dudes? Nah. Jessica Biel is lovely. This article gets 1 star.

    fee's picture

    Agreed!

    Ugh, I completely agree with you. Women like Victoria Beckham, Fergie and Eva Mendes make me cringe. Definitely not attractive. 
    I love Jennifer Beals though. And Scarlett Johansson.

    "Bad juju? Is that a voodoo-thing?"
    "Close...but with a 'j'." 
    - Malinda Lo & Sarah Pecora, 'the Lo-down'