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Home » Blogs » scribegrrrl's blog » A Lifetime of bad movie titles

A Lifetime of bad movie titles

by
scribegrrrl

Entertainment Weekly recently featured an article called Drama Queens, which sang the praises of the Lifetime Movie Network. There are a lot of reasons to love LMN, starting with the very good odds that you'll come across Nancy McKeon.

And we mustn't forget Melissa Gilbert, Meredith Baxter and Kate Jackson. Without Lifetime, would they even be able to pay the bills?

I think we've all had moments of love for the overwrought, underwritten melodrama that is Lifetime's stock-in-trade. But for me, it's all about the movie titles — they're way better than the actual movies. Here are seven of my faves:

7. Betrayed: A Story of Three Women

6. This Child Is Mine

5. I Do (But I Don't)

4. Seduction in a Small Town

3. Stranger in My Bed

2. What Kind of Mother Are You?

1. (you knew this was coming) Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

And here, because I can't help myself, are my gayed-up versions of those titles:

7. Mulleted: A Story of Three Haircuts

6. This Cat Is Mine

5. I Do (Even Though It's Only Been Two Weeks)

4. Karaoke in a Small Bar

3. Person I Know Way Too Well in My Bed

2. What Kind of Co-Mother Are You?

1. Mother, May I Sleep With Bette Porter?

Check out LMN.tv and discover the wealth of bad titles — and then post your gayed-up versions in the comments!

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    • Submitted by
    scribegrrrl
    on April 27, 2007 - 4:10pm.
    TAGS :: 
    Sheila's picture

    Funniest

    Submitted by
    Sheila (8 posts)
    on April 27, 2007 - 6:00pm.
    I always thought the funniest one was "My Lover, My Stepson."
    Melissa Hsu's picture

    She Woke up Pregnant

    Submitted by
    Melissa Hsu (not verified)
    on April 27, 2007 - 6:25pm.

    One of my faves: "Crimes of Passion:  She Woke Up Pregnant."

     

     

    God, I hate when that happens.

    Chickonspeed's picture

    Loving 5. and 3. =)

    Submitted by
    Chickonspeed (52 posts)
    on April 27, 2007 - 6:39pm.

    How about

    Chasing Papi -> Chastising Papi

    After Sex -> LBD

    Cheers BTW for mentioning "Antonia" somewhere some time ago, just watched it tonight with a couple of friends and absolutely loved it!

    Rain's picture

    ah well, let's see here

    Submitted by
    Rain (198 posts)
    on April 27, 2007 - 6:58pm.
    Oxygen: Dying to Escape - Oxygen: What you want when your dental dam sticks to your face...

    Lesser Evil - Lesbian Evil

    Human Trafficking - Humping in Traffic

    The Stranger Within - The Stranger in your bed or What the hell did I do last night?

    A Father for Brittany - Uhhh, no...

    Family - We are family, I've got all my sisters with me!

    Fatal Lessons: The Good Teacher - Fun Lessons: The Gym Teacher

    K's picture

    How About...

    Submitted by
    K (171 posts)
    on April 27, 2007 - 7:11pm.

    1. "Nailed" - a singer father gets advice from his dad after he gets a girl pregnant

    2. "Woman On The Ledge" - 3 women talk about suicide up on a building

    3. "Bitter Vengeance" - an ex policeman robs a bank then blames it on his wife and heads for mexico with a bank teller

    4. "Past Tense" - this ones about a 10 year old who says shes had past lives..i kid you not

    5. "Dying To Remember" - melissa gilbert *big shocker* is under hypnosis when she sees a murder  in the past

    6. "Thirst"  - joely fisher is the nurse occupationed wife of a water filtration specialist who together handle a water contamination threat

    dirty third's picture

    hehe

    Submitted by
    dirty third (27 posts)
    on April 29, 2007 - 4:30am.
    1. "Nailed" = "U-Haul-ed"
    woops's picture

    priceless!

    Submitted by
    woops (106 posts)
    on April 27, 2007 - 7:18pm.

    "1. Mother, May I Sleep With Bette Porter?"

    Too funny! How do you come up with this stuff?

    paige 's picture

    hahahah

    Submitted by
    paige (53 posts)
    on April 30, 2007 - 10:20pm.

    "1. Mother, May I Sleep With Bette Porter?"

    hahahaha! omg soo funny

    hirai's picture

    Wow

    Submitted by
    hirai (8 posts)
    on April 27, 2007 - 8:59pm.
    I actually LOLed at "5. I Do (Even Though It's Only Been Two Weeks)"
    Melissa Hsu's picture

    Titles

    Submitted by
    Melissa Hsu (not verified)
    on April 28, 2007 - 6:01am.

    That are really long loose my interest because going to the video store and asking for 'Person I Know Way Too Well in My Bed' is quite the mouthful!

    I can't think of any strange or long titles to share, but interesting blog to read about!

    Well, actually, Dreamgirls was mis-leading. I didn't know anything about it and thought it was something else. Hmmm.

    Chantal's picture

    Nancy McKeon

    Submitted by
    Chantal (334 posts)
    on April 28, 2007 - 6:31am.

    Okay, now. I remember her from *something*, but for the life of me I can not find it. I've been through her filmography at imdb.com but none of the titles nor descriptions ring a bell to me.

    Either I saw her in a passing moment, or it was just so so long ago that i can't remember what the heck it was.

     

     

    Because Visibility Matters - The AfterEllen.com Fanlisting - http://aefan.alrightstill.net

    Mesmerizing - The Lauren Blitzer Fanlisting - http://lbfan.alrightstill.net

    scribegrrrl's picture

    you mean other than The Facts of Life?

    Submitted by
    scribegrrrl (5498 posts)
    on April 28, 2007 - 10:16am.
    ...'cause to me, she'll always be Jo.
    Chantal's picture

    yeah other then facts of life

    Submitted by
    Chantal (334 posts)
    on April 28, 2007 - 11:17am.

    I don't think we even had that show on here (in the netherlands) then.

     

    Because Visibility Matters - The AfterEllen.com Fanlisting - http://aefan.alrightstill.net

    Mesmerizing - The Lauren Blitzer Fanlisting - http://lbfan.alrightstill.net

    Melissa Hsu's picture

    Lifetime Movie Marathon

    Submitted by
    Melissa Hsu (not verified)
    on April 28, 2007 - 8:25am.

    A Father’s Choice:  His ‘Golf Partner’

     

    A Cry in the Night:  From the Potting Shed - the Nikki and Helen Story   :-p


    A Message From Holly:  Meet Me in the Girl’s Locker Room.  NOW!

     

    (Yet) Another Woman’s Husband:  Neglected His Wife So I Fucked Her

     

    An American Affair: The Torrid Trysts of Nancy Pelosi & Barbara Boxer

     

    Confessions of an American English Bride:  I Want the Hot Florist Chick

     

    Dead Ahead: Lunch at the Y

     

    Deadly Family Secrets:  Granny and the Nanny

     

    Deadly Appearances: Chicks With Di...

     

      

    Oh, I’ll just stop now. 

     
    spotticus's picture

    Hee hee

    Submitted by
    spotticus (636 posts)
    on April 28, 2007 - 2:09pm.

    Oh man, those are too funny, zee!!  Especially (Yet) Another Woman's Husband:...

    Thanks for brightening my day!

    Melissa Hsu's picture

    I hear

    Submitted by
    Melissa Hsu (not verified)
    on April 29, 2007 - 1:07am.

    I hear that one's based on a true life story ...    ; )

    Sally's picture

    Mother, may I sleep with...

    Submitted by
    Sally (301 posts)
    on April 28, 2007 - 11:22am.
    Julia Roberts, Erin Daniels, Natasha Richardson, Emma Thompson... OK, maybe not all of them at the same time! But at least once!
    Now I laugh about these titles, but I gotta admit, Lifetime was my guilty pleasure! I saw so many movies there!  And your gay twists are really funny!
    lesbian without borders
    hum_dinger's picture

    Very funny

    Submitted by
    hum_dinger (16 posts)
    on April 29, 2007 - 11:48am.
    I really loved your gayed up versions of the movie titles. A recent one that springs to mind is "Snakes on a plane". Haha. One word. Why? 
    tummynog's picture

    Aren't All Lifetime Movies Gay?

    Submitted by
    tummynog (21 posts)
    on April 29, 2007 - 3:37pm.

    How about.... Italics indicate original title.

    1. If Someone Had Known: I Could Have Avoided All of the Psychiatric Counseling

    2. This Child Is Mine: The Second Immaculate Conception, Confessions From a Gold Star

    3. The Sleepwalker Lesbian: I Promise, I Tripped and Just Fell In That Position

    4. A House of Secrets and Lies  --> that one doesn't need any gaying up.

    5. A Woman Scorned: The Carmen De La Pica Morales Story

    and of course, the instant classic....

    6. Murder in The Hamptons --> Lesbian Bed Death in P-Town

    it would be interesting to count in how many titles the words; Justice, Revenge and Betrayal occur.

    Queen Bea's picture

    Deep dark secret...

    Submitted by
    Queen Bea (112 posts)
    on April 29, 2007 - 6:28pm.

    ...I once had a pretty significant crush on Meredith Baxter Birney. I believe she is the only reason I ever watched "Family Ties." Also, when she was on "The Love Boat," I found myself INTENSELY interested in any scenes between her and Julie. But that stupid Gopher kept getting in the way!!! ARRRRGH!

    Um, Mary Higgins Clark's "Pretend You Don't See Her"? There are soooooo many ways you could go with that one!

    abbagirl's picture

    ugh.

    Submitted by
    abbagirl (129 posts)
    on April 29, 2007 - 11:47pm.

    i hate cheezy lifetime/we/hallmark channel movies.

    retch. 

    ------------------------------ 

    you can dance

    you can jive

    having the time of your life

    jennifer from pittsburgh's picture

    "Mother May I Sleep With

    Submitted by
    jennifer from p... (1434 posts)
    on April 30, 2007 - 6:54am.
    "Mother May I Sleep With Danger" is possibly the best title ever. Of course the movie itself is so bad it's almost unwatchable, but the title puts asses in seats.
    ebrittingham's picture

    Lifetime Movie Titles

    Submitted by
    ebrittingham (11 posts)
    on April 30, 2007 - 11:09am.

    Here's an old game for you...say the movie titles out loud, and say "between the sheets" after each one.

    Noclaf's picture

    another title

    Submitted by
    Noclaf (53 posts)
    on April 30, 2007 - 11:07pm.

    Mother, May I Sleep With Danger ?

    My super fun dyslexia initially read this as "Mother, may I sleep with your daughter?". I'm not sure what kind of plot that would be, but it sounds scary.

    ------

    http://noclafsaerie.blogspot.com/

    not only but also's picture

    Faster

    Submitted by
    not only but also (302 posts)
    on May 1, 2007 - 7:04am.

    Faster Pussy Cat, Kill, Kill! is my favourite movie title of all time - but probably belongs on this list as one of the worst. (Why oh why didn't I buy the rare-as-hens-teeth poster when I saw it in a shop 15 years ago...) 

    And my favourite porno movie title is Edward Penis Hands. So subtle. Actually, I love those porno movie puns. They always make me chuckle.

    Not Only But Also


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