"Weeds" mini-cap: the cheese stands alone

In “I Am the Table,” we learn that Esteban believes he’s furniture, Andy believes he’s Moses, Nancy believes a mundane life would be scary, Celia believes pills are her salvation, Silas believes he’s one lucky dude, Shane believes he’s destined to be victimized by bullies, Isabelle believes her parents are worthless, Doug believes he’s going to see his MerMex, Maria, along some 2000 mile stretch of the U.S. Mexican border and I believe that very few of them would pass a psych evaluation. But hey, that’s what makes it so much fun!

Surprise! Nancy has taken a shine to Esteban. I’d prefer she take a shine to Celia but frankly, Celia is a drugged out pharma-pill taking mess at the moment — not sexy. So until Celia gets it together I guess Esteban is it. Sigh. Oh, wait? Has Nancy met Silas’s main cheese, I mean, squeeze? I bet they have a lot in common.

Oh yeah, the real story — so Esteban meets with Nancy and Guillermo and tells Guillermo it’s not OK for him to kill Nancy, which of course, is good news because a dead Nancy is not funny. Esteban then invites Nancy to his favorite restaurant for lunch and he’s promptly greeted with a hail of gunfire in an assassination attempt. Being the most macho of all macho men, he insists on finishing his meal with this huge pain in his neck. No, not Nancy. Shrapnel!

Esteban, using a placemat map of Mexico along with salt and pepper shakers on the table, names other drug families interested in killing him. Basically we learn though that he’s not salt or pepper nor is he the hot sauce bottle but he’s the actual table. I think it means he controls all of Mexico or at least he thinks he does. This type of power has to give our thrill seeking Nancy a major rush of squee!

Speaking of major rushes, Celia is not in one. She barely wakes up in the morning and even when she manages to get to the store, she falls asleep on the cash register allowing pregnant looters to have a field day. And in a pot-meets-kettle moment, even the gun-toting dude guarding the hole in floor can see that she’s letting pregnant thieves fleece the place. He gives her snorts of other drugs to get her hyped enough to work like a maniac and stay awake. Where oh where is my Celia Hodes? Where oh where can she be?

As for Andy and Doug, their market research indicated that it wasn’t the U.S Immigration Service that tends to catch those entering the country illegally rather it’s regular citizen vigilantes that patrol the border. So Doug joins the vigilante group. His ethnic politics really would fit in quite nicely with the vigilante mind set if he hadn’t fallen for his MerMex, Maria.

Ultimately, Doug is left alone on vigilante duty and Andy gets all Old Testament on the group of immigrants he’s working with as he leads them to the promised land. Doug and Andy actually pull off a successful coyote trip. Typical though, Andy forgot to collect the fee from each person so this first time out was an unintentional freebie. Oh, well, we knew they’d figure out a way to botch it up. But Andy will have bigger worries soon because the coyote that Andy shot in the leg has been looking for him and now knows that Andy is in the coyote business. Uh oh.

Silas continues his adult education classes at the cheese shop. I don’t think the classes will lead to his GED, though. His new instructor learns that he grows pot and offers him the use of her back room as his grow headquarters. The only thing more pungent than a room filled with marijuana is a store filled with cheese. Frankly, I can see Nancy being more annoyed by the grow house arrangement (where’s her cut of this deal?) than by this woman, Lisa, who is Nancy’s age, schooling her son and giving him extra credit assignments over and over and over.

Speaking of school, Shane and Isabelle return to school. Neither is thrilled by the idea of being the new kid but at least they have each other. At lunch, in a preemptive strike, Shane walks up to the most popular kid and smacks him silly with a food tray. Probably not a great idea.

By the end of the episode Nancy goes with Esteban as he checks in on a rare untamed lion that he is exporting to one of his zoos in Mexico. The caged beast is fed a cute little live lamb and rather than be disgusted at watching first hand the food chain sacrifice on exhibit it apparently serves as a huge libido trigger for Nancy and Esteban. They end up back at his place as he ravishes Nancy to her delight leaving very deep scratches on her back. Nancy likes it kind of rough. Poor sweet Conrad didn’t stand a chance, did he?

So was it Guillermo that tried to kill Esteban? Will Nancy remember she has kids? Will Celia just say no to drugs?