"Out in the Country" features lesbians living the rural life

I've been raised in various small towns in Texas, but I don't quite have the right perspective.  See, in most small towns, everybody's been there since day one, and everyone knows and loves everyone.  Someone new comes in, and it upsets that balance.  I think if I hadn't moved as much as I had, and had been able to put roots down in any one of them (well, maybe not Elysian Fields... stay away, stay far far away), then I would have had a better experience overall, and I doubt that my orientation would have been as much of an issue as it was.

And actually, I have no desire to live in a big city.  The anonymity freaks me out.  In fact, when I'm all set and stable, I have every intention of buying a big plot of land somewhere, and building my dream house on it.  And then I want to be left alone with my trees and nature.

x Rage More x

I grew up in a very conservative town guised as a liberal, accepting town. The kids said they were supportive of gay rights and all, but any hint of LGBT activity and they ran  to the hills, or the local sheetz in this instance.

There was a lesbian couple in my school and people were so freaked out by it, especially when they would kiss or hold hands. It's like they were saying one thing, and practicing another. The nearest LGBT center was in the city 15 mins away, so we could go there if we wanted to. But my town was caught up in tradition and reputation..two things that once altered you never got back..therefore coming out/ and or growing up gay was very difficult.

 But all those things aside, I don't desire the city life at all..I'm more a small town farm girl myself, so I don't know how that will pan out for me, but hopefully I'll find a nice accepting town nestled in the county =)

Let's get one thing straight, I'm not.

Indiana State is in Terre Haute, IN and Indiana University is in Bloomington, IN. Just curious which university she's at for sure.    :)

I really enjoyed the article though I've never lived in the country I have lived in smaller cities and now I'm on a mission to find the nearest bookstore with this book.

My partner and I met while I was in school in a city.  I began employment in the middle of church going, Pennsyltucky 8 years ago.  She moved out a few years later.  We love it out here.  We feel more safe, are more involved in the community and really feel that we are valued members of the area. We have been able to put down roots here. When I moved here I had this preconceived notions of religious people that they were all fire and brimstone and would try to convert me or hate me.  Although there are some of them out here the vast majority of them are good people whose primary goal is to help the less fortunate.  We belong to a liberal church out here and have not had a single problem.  My friends from back home and school laugh at some of the things that go on out here ( I email them every article about a horse/buggy vs car accident).

Now granted we do not walk down the street holding hands or kiss in public, however it is the nature of the community that we rarely see anyone doing that in public.  We save the hand holding and pecks for when we are in a bigger place where it is more accepted amongst heterosexuals and homosexuals. 

my partner and i bought a small ground floor corner flat (with a large garden, well for dutch standards..) in a newly built section of a very conservative, religious, farming village about 40 km up from amsterdam. we were one of the last families to move in so all eyes were on us (and all our junk)! no worries tho, fellas appeared from nowhere to help carry in the washingmachine, help with man jobs. most excellent!!

i think the fact that i turned our front and back lawns into fruit and veggie patches caused more of a stir then us being two girls. also me working from home brings up the dutch genetically imprinted question "how can they afford that"? which is much more interesting then us being gay.

across the road from us we also have two ladies living together. when their son was born it caused some speculation. standing out the front of the house with 2 neighbours one night one of the guys asked us how that works, you know the "they could have asked me for a hand hee hee hee" conversation. my beloved didnt miss a beat and replied "oh no, you can get a strap on with a turkey baster inside these days, you buy them on line..."..  the guys where gobsmacked, talked about the veggies for a few minutes and then took off. we're running odds at 9:2 they've been on line searching for pictures of said strap on. anyone taking?

but in all seriousness, we've been very lucky moving here. not only for the acceptance we've been given, and the awareness of gay rights in the community; but also as outsiders, townies who may have taken local housing needed for their own young ones. (my dutch is town dutch. locals speak dutch with a west friesian hint, so its very apparent im from town/outside. my beloved comes from a vilage 10 km up the road, sounds the same but is definately not local).

and anyway, where else could i have had farming lessons with my horse? living in the city, you know "how could we afford that"! ;P

I've never lived in city, nor have I ever wanted to. For all the diversity major cities appear to have, it appears to me that people live in bubbles. You can find enough like-minded people in a city to insulate yourself against people who are different.

I grew up in New Hampshire. Most folks can't name a major city in NH. Manchester (pop 108,000) and Nashua (pop 86,000) are the two largest cities in NH...actually, the two largest cities in the tri-state area of New Hampshire, Vermont and Maine. So, yeah, they're mostly rural. What do these states have in common? Gay marriage is legal and they're all in the top 10 states with the highest percentage of gay people.

And the Gay Mecca for lesbians in New England isn't Boston as some might assume. It's Northampton out in rural western Massuchusetts. I think states with a lot of out gays in the rural areas end up being more progressive on gay rights.

I've also lived in small towns in the South (SC, NC and AL) and the West (OR and CA). It seems to me the difference in New England towns is more folks are traditionally involved in their local government, going to town meetings and such. In the South people tend to discuss/solve community issues at church meetings.

Or...it might be the snow. For the most part people in New England small towns mind their own business. If it doesn't affect how they live, they just don't give a damn.

Right now I live in a small "populated place" in Northern CA. Pop 978...it's not even a town. The county has less than 30,000 people. And by Northern CA I mean NORTHERN as in 6.5 hours north of San Francisco. I've been here a month and I already know some gay people. My neighbors know my girlfriend and I are a couple and they don't care.

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Tweet: @GrrrlRomeo

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Tweet: @GrrrlRomeo

I'm thrilled to see AfterEllen giving this coverage! I was a student of Mary Gray's twice during my time as a student at IU. She's absolutely delightful, and I can hardly wait to get my hands on this book.

I grew up in a very small, very rural community in northern Indiana. Though plenty of people spread rumors and talked about it, I wasn't out until college - and even then, not truly out at home. After being out at college, I moved home (it's where I fouond a job) and was miserable. I was flat-out told by someone, who I believed 100%, that if I were to come out at home, I would be fired. Just this summer, I retreated back to Bloomington (where I went to college). Though I somewhat like the small-town life, and sometimes wish I could go back and give back to the community that raised me, until there are more protections and equal rights, I'm not moving back.

It's hard being a gay person in a small country town.

I'm from rural Australia. My town has 1400 people. Well, actually a lot less now because of the closing down of the mines, and the death of a lot of people. It's a town full of mostly two breeds of people: gangstas and uber religious elderly people.

I keep my sexuality fairly guarded. I'm pretty sure I'd be ostracised, and or beaten, if I were to come out to everyone. I am lucky that I have a beautiful gorup of friends that accept me for who I am, and a loving family that have no issue with my sexuality.

"What are your thoughts about queer visibility in rural America?"

Although I am not from America, I am from a wee rural village so can relate. Basically I think it is extremely important that there is visibility in rural areas. It is hard growing up in a small religious place... however if there was more visibility perhaps any teenager struggling with their sexuality wouldnt have such a struggle. Sometimes all it takes is to see somebody else being out, happy and not looked down upon by others to make a person feel that they can be too. or even just to have somebody to relate to because, as stupid as it now sounds, I thought that you had to look and act a certain way to be gay and therefore I always felt that I didnt really fit anywhere.

rural just isnt for me though - I would crack up for sure if I had to live there forever!

This friend is the type of guy who loves cities because of the opportunities and the gay communities. He never truly appreciated our hometown like I have. I told him that I knew about these people because our mutual straight male friend knew these people to be gay or bisexual. And this straight male friend is really open-minded that he'll go to gay clubs with our gay friend just so he won't have to go alone (I don't go clubbing).

I think he felt alone during all those years in our small town and honestly, I did too. We only had each other for a few years before I started telling my close friends I was bi. Then pretty soon people were telling me they were gay/bi and they knew others as well. I think just having that small network made it easier among my generation.

...anywhere you live. Yes, I was harrassed in high school living in a small town. But I haven't heard of anyone who went to high school in a major city and was out that wasn't also harrassed.

And as far as violence goes, there are more anti-gay people in major cities...because there are more people. I think the whole idea that gays are safer in the big city is a myth. You're just more anonymous in a big city. Maybe you're safer in a big city if you can pass for straight walking down the street, and maybe you feel safter in a gay ghetto. But overall I don't think gays are safer in urban areas.

Fear vs Experience

It looks to me that a lot of folks who are saying it's harder to be gay in a small town aren't actually out. What you're expressing is fear of being out in a small town, not the actual experience of being out in a small town.

It is absolutely true that when I lived in South Carolina I could've been fired just for being gay. There are no hate crime laws in SC, no laws against discrimination against gays. But you know, we don't win rights by never going where we're not wanted.

I think in a lot of cases we're victims of our own fear. One of the most common fears humans have whether gay or straight--the fear of rejection.

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Tweet: @GrrrlRomeo

I find it highly appropriate that an IU professor living in Bloomington is the author of this book about reconsidering our ideas of rural life.  Bloomington's a great example of a liberal small town (or small city, when school's in session).  I spent four years there and was consistently amazed and intrigued by the interaction between hippie college students and salt-of-the-earth Midwesterners. 

I grew up in Indiana and was basically behaving as out from the time I was 16, though I didn't flat-out tell my family until I was 18.  Honestly, until I moved to New York City, I wouldn't have thought there was anything unusual about how I approached being queer.  As someone mentioned above, I don't go in for public displays of affection, but that's just how everyone was.  It's not that I changed my behavior in fear of the community; it's just a community norm that carried over.  I've been in New York for three years now and I don't feel any more or less comfortable being queer here than I did in Indiana, and I really appreciate the idea that we need to reevaluate our perceptions of queer life in non-urban areas.  Looking forward to reading this book!

Hi everyone,

I'm Mary Gray, the author of "Out in the Country" --a friend forwarded me a link to Jen Sabella's very kind review. I just wanted to drop a note to say I'm really enjoying the discussion. Thanks for sharing your experiences here!

Best,

Mary

www.queercountry.org

Mary L. Gray

Department of Communication and Culture

Indiana University, Bloomington