Celebrities that are not lesbians 3.0

Keeping track of who has joined the Sapphic sisterhood (otherwise known as the sisterhood of the traveling cargo pants) and who hasn’t is just so difficult these days. Sam is with LiLo, Naomi Watts is perfectly straight, Megan Fox once schtupped a stripper named Nikita and Katy Perry is still a nuisance. And that’s just in the last month alone.

But wait — there is more! In the third installment of "Celebrities That Are Not Lesbians," we cover media reports of possible lesbian tendencies of various female celebrities or declarations of heterosexuality by certain female celebrities and ridicule them.

Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue defies the aging effects of time. She does not look much different than she did when The Locomotion was burning up dance floors — well, minus the gravity-resisting teased '80s perm. Another unchanging aspect of Minogue is that she was not a lesbian in the 1980s, and she is still not a lesbian. This may go without saying, but as usual, there is a back story.

In September, Ms. Minogue mentioned that she might "go gay." She was quoted as saying, “God knows I can’t get a man — so maybe I should cross over.” (Because, you see, women become lesbians when they cannot get a man. Well, gee, I’m glad that I finally got that memo.)

She also admitted a crush on the bisexual starlet Tallulah Bankhead. So is this a sign that Kylie Minogue is headed for Sapphic bliss? Not so much.

What comes to mind when one mentions Tallulah Bankhead? Glamorous? YES! The life of the party? YES! Bisexual? YES! So what’s the problem?

Sometimes, when we really don’t want to get entangled in a relationship or even a fling, we sabotage ourselves by chasing after the unattainable. For example, when we don’t really want to be in a relationship, sometimes we pine after straight girls, or we chase after emotionally unavailable women, because we know that ultimately, the relationship will either exist solely in our heads or be comfortably short-lived. In other words, sometimes we create a safety net or an escape hatch at the outset.

Tallulah Bankhead is the ultimate example of the unattainable, because she is DEAD. DECEASED. EXPIRED.

What could be more unattainable than a corpse? It ain’t gonna happen for Ms. Minogue. In the immortal words of En Vogue:

There is absolutely no chance that Tallulah Bankhead is going to show up on Kylie Minogue’s doorstep with a U-Haul. Admitting a crush on a dead person is 100 percent safe and noncommittal. Saying that you have a lesbian crush on a dead person is like saying you would become a lesbian if aliens landed and subjugated all of humanity.

And this is why, in my humble opinion, Kylie Minogue is not a lesbian.

Burlesque superstar and Wonderbra spokesmodel Dita Von Teese recently launched a new vintage-inspired lingerie line, prompting gossip rags to chatter about the raven-haired beauty. Last week, gossip headlines screamed ”Dita Von [Teese] dumps lesbians for men!”

Did Von Teese leave a string of broken-hearted women crying in her wake before deciding that she preferred men? Not at all. In fact, she only had one brief same-sex fling in her 20s that lasted barely a month.

Sorry, but dating a man with prosthetic breasts for six years doesn’t count. We may question her taste in men, but we do not question whether Dita Von Teese is heterosexual. She might be a heterosexual who desperately needs to see an eye doctor, but she is still heterosexual.

This wraps up yet another installment of Celebrities That Are Not Lesbians, and because the media just can’t get enough of the word “lesbian,” we are sure there are more installments to come.