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When bad movies happen to good actressesOver the weekend, while lazily flipping the channels, I stopped on some dragon movie and before I could click away, a familiar face caught my eye. Is that? Could that? Hey, that's Piper Perabo. Yes, indeed, it was Piper and she was starring in George and the Dragon, a 2004 movie loosely based on the Crusades-era legend of a knight who slew a dragon to save a princess.
I ended up watching the last third of the film, not because it was any good but because I kept being astonished by who popped up next. Not only was Piper in the film but so was Patrick Swayze, James Purefoy, Michael Clarke Duncan and Tony and Golden Globe-winning actress Joan Plowright. Geez, did they all lose a bet to the director?
Which, of course, got me thinking. How many other good actresses have bad films lurking on their resumes? And by bad, I'm not just talking bombs or flops, and I'm not talking early work when they were desperate to be in anything. Instead I'm talking the "I'm pretty famous, but I've still got to pay the rent" kind of bad. These are the movies they clearly made for the paycheck. These are the movies they hope no one will notice. So let's point them out and laugh … in a nice way. On another insomniac evening a while ago, yet another medieval fantasy stopped my channel surfing with a familiar face. There was Amber Benson, my beloved Tara Maclay, battling it out in the 2007 film Gryphon. Despite how great as she looked in her knight duds, this movie was just awful. Truly, truly awful. The CGI alone would make any sci-fi geek weep bitter, angry tears.
Even more recently, there was Jenna Malone in The Ruins, released earlier this month. When looking at promotional material, I was surprised to see Jenna. She was in Saved! She was in Donnie Darko. She was in Contact. Now she is in a horror film that could easily be subtitled, My Friends All Went on a Fabulous Mexican Vacation and All I Got Were These Stupid Vines Growing Under My Skin. OK, fine, that's a little long to fit on the poster.
Then there is milky pure Anne Hathaway. While most people remember her shedding her good-girl image (and more) in Brokeback Mountain, it was actually the direct-to-DVD release Havoc earlier that year that first saw the Princess Diaries star get her naughty on. Haven't heard of Havoc? Well, it has the distinction of earning Anne the 2006 Mr. Skin's Anatomy Awards "best nude scene" honor. Which, as everyone knows, is so much better than an Oscar.
But here I go saving the best for last. Seems our beloved Jennifer Beals had a bit of a rough patch between being a manic welder/dancer and the alpha Bette of our dreams. Back in the fall of 2000, four years before the letter after K and before M came calling, she starred in a little direct-to-video gem called Militia. She played an ATF agent helping to stop — you guessed it — a militia from taking over the United States government.
While I approve, on principle, of any film that has Jennifer packing heat, I have to disapprove of her co-stars/perennial B-movie stars Dean Cain (The Perfect Husband: The Laci Peterson Story) and Stacy Keach (Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America). Ironically, if the movie had been released just one year later in the fall of 2001, it would have been timely, what with its terrorist threats, anthrax missiles and megalomaniac dictator with a penchant for berets. I mean, it still would have been bad, but it least it would have been topical. So, have you unearthed your own "I can't believe she is in this movie" moments? Do tell. This will make me feel a whole lot better about my kindergarten appearance as a bicuspid in our school play. I had to wear a papier-mâché tooth hat. I've never lived down the embarrassment. Submitted by on April 14, 2008 - 1:00pm. |
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News, Reviews & Commentary on Lesbian and Bisexual women in Entertainment and the Media
Renée O'Connor in "Alien Apocalypse"
Along side with Bruce Campbell... OH MY GOSH!!!
I just wanna smash my TV after that... Why does a good actress such as Renee will agree to play in this kind of bad written TV movie?
omg! so true! 6 Xena years
*Headdesk*
Come ON! Most Bruce Campbell's are intentionally bad. Your suppose to laugh at the rubber ants.
"Bad jokes are us, ur me."
You are so right
The reason Renee did this movie is because it was written and directed by former Xena writer Josh Becker, and because she'd be working with Bruce Campbell again.
This movie was *horrible* on every level (except for the presence of Renee, who is a goddess), but what made it truly loathsome was when Bruce Campbell's character, the supposed hero of the movie, referred to the bad guys as "fags." I couldn't believe it when I heard it. I don't know how the Sci Fi Channel, the censors, whoever, could have let that air, or how Campbell could have used that word.
alien apocalypse
just the fact that renee o'connor is in this movie is enough to make me enjoy it and watch it every time it comes on tv. too bad it doesn't come on that often
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
The Cave
The Cave with Piper Perabo AND Lena Heady.
I've seen interviews with the two where they refuse to talk about it when someone asks. They know it's horrible. A monster movie where a team is trapped in an underground cave and the monster starts infecting/chasing them. Truly terrible.
The ONLY good part about this movie was the very nice shot of Lena's eyes at the end. But that's it. Just watch the last 40 seconds.
Oh God...Not "The Cave"
that movie....that movie was SOOOO bad that i just couldnt take it and wound up wondering how that crapfest was able to stick onto the dvd long enough to play.
i would rate that one in the bottom 3 of movies i saw that year...it was really really bad. my other 2 were the hills have eyes 2 (which BTW used the same sets to "save on costs") and he godawful bloodrayne...not because of the actors because they all suck (who expects michelle rodriguez to ACT...seriously..just give her a gun and let her go at it with the stare...you know the one im talking about...head down eyes up) and i couldnt expect acting at all...but uwe boll can blow me. WHO gives that guy money for lunch let alone movies...*shiver*
argh...
that was terrible (although I do love bad scifi movies)
I've seen an interview on the Imagine Me and You DVD and when asked about The Cave all they say is "what are you talking about? I don't know what film you mean".
sooo bad.
.45
Milla Jovovich. Just couldn't stand that movie.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
William Blake
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Ha!
You said "scratch" .... :P
Mine would have to be "Junior" with Emma Thompson. Emma was working hard for the money ... literally ... I can't imagine that working opposite The Governator would be a thing of ease and/or beauty ...
You know she's getting something other than the love of her mother.........
HECK. YES. I always
HECK. YES.
I always wonder why Emma Thompson did that film.
Piper
If Piper is mention then we have to add "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle" and "Slap her...She's French"
Ok i admit i have never seen "Slap her...She's French">cuz i didn't even like the trailer... its one of those trying to hard comedy where everybody has a really bad accent... but hey, this is just my personal opinion.
I do love her, the only reason i saw "The Cave" its because she was in it so...
PS: sorry for my really bad grammar, english its not really my first lenguage..
Chomp
I adore Piper (and Lena, that's why I sat through The Cave) but yeah, she's been in some shockers! I would love to see her in something meatier a la Lost and Delirious, but not as depressing...
Lesbian Tees & Gifts
Gryphon
That movie was TERRIBLE. I TiVo'd it because I love all things Amber Benson, but I acutally had to stop watching it halfway through. I was alternating between laughing hysterically at the cheesy dialogue and bad graphics and crying hysterically at how one of my favorite actresses could be in a pile of crap.
To this day when I see that movie at blockbuster I die a little inside.
Even Jennifer Beals?
"That Showtime Made for TV
"That Showtime Made for TV movie where her father was "Massa" and her mother was a slave are in my top 10 list of Unintentionally Funny Movies."
That makes me think of the fictional novel, In Love with the Night Mysterious. Remember, it's mentioned in Angels in America as Belize's favorite paperback novel? It features the line "Real love isn't ever ambivelent!" anybody? nobody.
That's A Real Book?!
not a real book
At least I don't think so.
And I agree, definitely one of my favorite parts. Although, I just love Jeffery Wright. Another one of my favorite moments is how he delivers the line "that color out there...is mauve" fabulous.
Eliza Dushku in 'Sex and Breakfast'
The basic plot is 2 straight couples James (Macaulay Culkin) and Heather (Alexis Dziena) and Ellis (Kuno Becker) and Renee (Eliza Dushku) are having some relationship issues. They see a therapist who specializes, it seams, in group sex. The two couples do end up “wife swaping” but in just a very uncofitable way. Also who would ever think Macaulay Culkin and Eliza Dushku would make a good pare were REALLY mistaken!
Renee (Eliza Dushku) did bring up a desire to be with a woman. And has a couple cute conversations with a waitress where they have their breakfast. Renee does have a very UNhot and quick kiss with Heather (Alexis Dziena) during the partner swap.
Just one I thought of right away!
~~SHORTY T~~
the question is: who greenlights such crap?
I actually think it's the other way around
I think crap get's greenlighted because really good scripts like almost anything of quality are hard to come by. But things that are ok or not as bad as they could have been are cheaper and easier to produce to turn a profit.
Because I Said So
That movie sucked on toast.
my eyes!
Havoc
Omg i saw that movie. I really couldn't believe that was Ms-Princess-Diaries-Anne-Hathaway. It was so graphic. Shedding a good girl image shouldn't have been incentive enough.
Sex and Breakfast was crap too even though Eliza's character flirts with having an affair with a woman.
Havoc!
havoc was good
for the most part havoc is a good movie. and i certainly wouldn't mind watching it again
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
Emma Thompson
in 'Junior' ... Why???
Also Hilary Swank in ... well pretty much everything except 'Boys Don't Cry' and 'Million Dollar Baby' (she was in two good movies and won an Oscar for each ... gotta respect that).
Her 'Boys Don't Cry' co-star Cloe Sevigny in 'The Brown Bunny'.
Ultraviolet. Worst. Movie. Ever.
Milla kicking arse..
...in tight outfits, what's not to like?
I agree it isn't an amazing film. But it isn't really about the plot and such. It is fine for a fighty action film. Not as good as resident evil which also stars Milla, but the fighting in it is way cool and I enjoyed it.
"My life's like a romantic comedy that's never romantic! Or comedic! My life is nothing like a romantic comedy!" - Caitlin (Cashmere Mafia)
Personally, I liked George
Personally, I liked George and the Dragon. It was good piece of stupid fun.
Women in armor are sexy, and I did.
"Bad jokes are us, ur me."
good movie
george and the dragon was a good movie. i saw it when it first came out and i've enjoyed it ever since
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
HAVOC probable was a good
HAVOC probable was a good movie at one point, But it got edited down to worthless trash thanks to the PTB at Disney.
-Nathiest
live for lust die for love
Dr. T & The Women
The lovely Kristin Chenoweth
PUSHING. DAISIES. Rules.
PUSHING. DAISIES. Rules. The. Frickin. Earth! LOVE that show maan!
Haven't seen those other movies, but I actually didn't think RV was all that bad.
You know who else rules the Earth? The Cheno!
Oh so bad
Check these out:
Angelina Jolie - Cyborg 2
Halle Berry - Catwoman (she was still sexy though)
Natascha McElhone - Fear Dot Com
Julianna Marguilies - Ghost Ship
Angela Bassett - Supernova
Sad part is, I own each of these movies.
OMG, I forgot...
...the best one. Julianna Margulies in Snakes on a Plane! Seriously. seriously.
---------------------------------------------------
Why I Don't Sleep Much: Dorothy Surrenders
That's A Real Book?!
Nothing To See Hear Folks
I must say...
...that the first thing I thought of when I saw "When bad movies happen to good actresses" was Amber Benson's Gryphon. I feel so bad for that girl. That movie was awful. And yes, the CGI sucked.
Geraldine Chaplin
How did BloodRayne happened to Geraldine Chaplin?
Insulting Keach?
Stacy Keach sure has appeared in a lot of junk (which happens when an person's personal travails spill into their work - most infamously the several months on jail in the 80's on drug charges). However why would one disapprove of him (as an actor in a film) is beyond me. Any informed film or stage buff knows how highly talented this man is as an actor. His early 70's work (Doc, End of the Road, The Traveling Executioner, The New Centurions) gave great promise. His performance in Fat City (one of the finest in film history - and cause of the NYFC's most infamous controversy) is stunning, as forceful and haunting an achievement as one may see in their lifetime. Go check that performance out and you'll see the depth and power that an actor can give to a role. Then it collapsed, with occasional glimpses of brilliance (The Ninth Configuration contains one of the terrific performances of the 80's, exceptional in Road Games, creating a strong Mike Hammer on TV). However his 1998 work in Art on stage showed that the man - whose stage portrayal of Hamlet - yes Hamlet - is legendary still had the chops.
It is disappointing that these actresses and actors above starred in junk but more disappointing is downgrading an actor, who while his career has fallen short of the lofty expectations, has shown brilliance repeatedly. Hopefully he can make a comeback like such other terrific actors as Martin Landau, Robert Forster, and Hal Holbrook (who did it at 84), all reduced to movies far below them only to get a shot to show again how skilled they are.
what about...
Nicole Kidman in Bewitched?!?
An argument could also probably be made for the fact that she was in Stepford Wives as well!
LegallyOut
Oh it doesn't even come close
To being as bad as Nicole Kidman AND Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic - a truly awful film.
Practical Magic
thats not something i would
I know
Yeah...
of course...it meets once a week in my bedroom....
*EG*
you walked right into that one...