 by Dorothy SnarkerColumns
Video
Currently Recapping
Popular People
|
The iPad solves all our feminine issuesAnd so it was written on the 27th day of the 2,000th year plus half a score that he of the black mock turtleneck has solved all of our problems (womanly and otherwise) with one simple device. Behold and cower before the awesome data absorbency of the iPad.
Yesterday’s big announcement of the newest Apple device, heretofore known as the iPad, was met with oohs, ahhs and a considerable number of WTFs from women in particular. Um, did Steve Jobs really mean to name his revolutionary new digital tablet after something that makes ladies everywhere think of their most miserable time of the month? Was there no woman sitting in on the naming committee who could tap him on the shoulder and say, “Stevie, no. Really, no.”
Hell, all the geniuses at Apple had to do was check the Mad TV archives to know they were headed into feminine troubles with the name iPad. The announcement was met with justified snickering across the web yesterday. iTampon immediately began trending on Twitter and reached No. 1 as the snarky observations came fast and furious. Even the specs are potentially hilarious: The iPad comes in 64GB (heavy flow), 32GB (regular cycle) and 16GB (lite days) models. Plus don’t forget the 3G option (wings for when Wi-Fi alone simply cannot provide enough coverage). But all menstrual jokes aside (I could go on for four to five days each month!), what does the iPad mean for lesbian and bisexual women? Billed as a “magical and revolutionary” device, let’s imagine those magical possibilities together. After the iPad, gay women everywhere will be thrilled to learn about Apple’s bold new product line diversification. Next up: The iSpeculum (multi-touch self-warming feature included), iPap (test result push notification optional) and iNseminate (yes, lesbians, finally there’s an app for that).
iPad will revolutionize the way we watch fan-made YouTube videos of our favorite on-screen couples. Now enjoy Naomily, Calzona and Otalia tributes on a crystal-clear 9.7-inch backlit LED screen. Zoom in on the good stuff (and by good I mean naked) with the touch of a finger. But remember, the iPad can not spare you from feeling iEmbarrassed when a kindly 80-year-old grandma catches you rewatching the Room in Rome trailer on the subway.
And finally, third-party app developers are already hard at work at the two most essential iPad programs for queer women everywhere. Expect the iHaul and iProcess to hit the iTunes store in early spring.
So, ladies, are you excited for the iPad? I can tell you one thing, my Aunt Flo is ecstatic. Submitted by on January 28, 2010 - 3:00pm. |
Recent blog posts
New forum topicsActive TopicsNew Comments
|
Welcome to AfterEllen.com!
- Login
- Join Now!
News, Reviews & Commentary on Lesbian and Bisexual women in Entertainment and the Media
Facebook
Twitter
good stuff
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hilarious snarker. hilarious.
it's almost too easy to make fun of...a bit like the SOTU last night.
also, excellent photoshopping skills.
Please keep the jokes coming
This is so amazingly epic! And I love the lesbian twist! I was following you on twitter yesterday, Dorothy and loving every minute of it.
Also, definitely tried to watch the Room In Rome trailer in public and nearly gave half a cafe a crash course in hot lezzie sex. Good, albeit hilarious, call. :)
I couldn't help but giggle when I heard the name..
And the Mad Tv sketch is just hilarious, all the more so when you think it was made years ago. Oh, Steve, what were you thinking?
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Excellent
brilliant DS
Crying... with...
Crying... with... laughter...
How did I not put two and two together when I heard that name? It's so obvious now!
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. Awesome post! xD
Ba-dum-bum
-ching!
Good ones, Ms. Snarker. I was cracking up all day yesterday over this. My first response was "Too bulky--I'm holding out for the iTampon," but then I saw about a million people had beat me to that joke. I actually collected some of my favorites from around the web:
"Surf the web while you’re surfing the crimson wave."
"I don't know how much I'd use it--probably only about once a month."
"iPad has changed "the conversation" from how we use tech in context to how we use tech as Kotex. (who named this thing?)"
"If only the #iTampon had a vibrate feature like the iPhone."
There were also a lot of good ones about how Apple is good at preventing leaks.
Heehee. People are funny, and I am 12.LOL.
I've been a mac for a long time
and I'm usually pretty excited about their new products but this was the hugest let-down of the biggest hype in a while. They pretty much gave us an XL iphone that we can't actually make calls on. No flash video? No camera? come.on
The upside is maybe it stands a chance of competing on the current e-reader market...maybe.
The name is the least of its problems.
http://www.thehumansaredead.wordpress.com
http://www.dykesonbikeycycles.com
http://www.dapperq.com
Not a Mac fan
Agreed
Its definitely a selling point for the eyes but considering that most unaware consumers are used to staring at computers screens all day anyway they may not realize the benefit of e-ink. I will say though the very sinister/genius thing apple is doing is releasing a mediocre product first. Now all the people who can't contain their nerd boners will go out and buy it and when apple releases a better version in a year they'll get new buyers and the old buyers to upgrade.
Thos clever devils
http://www.thehumansaredead.wordpress.com
http://www.dykesonbikeycycles.com
http://www.dapperq.com
A) funny times, it is a
A) funny times, it is a stupid name
B) The stupid name i think was actually invented to go with the stupid product. It's Bull Shit!!! It's too big to carry around with you and replace an iPhone, it's flat so you can't look at the screen and type at the same time, you can't make calls in it. It's basically just a novelty oversized iTouch with a bunch of extra apps that you can't use properly. WHICH RETARD THOUGHT THIS UP!?!?
qoute
Hilarious
Hahahahaha...This was the best laugh I had in days Dorothy Snarker
_________
"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything." - Marilyn Monroe
LOL!
Brilliant!! I just choked on my water from laughing so hard.
Be Yourself, Loudly
good one!
hahaha. pads were the first thing i thought of too! oh apple, were women even included in your focus groups?
its a pointless piece of technology though. why do i need an iphone, a laptop AND an iPad? in 5 years it'll probably end up in the landfill with all the unwanted cellphones anyway. overkill!
When I read the title, I
This is hilarious. And yes,
This is hilarious.
And yes, that's the first thing I thought of too when I heard, "iPad"
Such a terrible name.
New name
My first thought-
"Wow, stupid. Obviously a product of some male's creative mind."
This article only confirmed my thoughts that the name is absolutely ridiculous XD
hilarious!
This version of the iPad is win. The real version? Fail.
Haha. I think they wanted a one syllable i-something to go with iPod, iMac and iPhone. The long-rumored iSlate name might've been better. I honestly didn't think of it until I heard all the tampon jokes.
On a serious note, can I say how stupid I think this device is? It doesn't have an SD card slot or USB slot. It does not let you mutlitask/use multiple applications and has no flash support. It doesn't even use a real operating system... it's like a giant iPhone without the phone call feature. My $200 netbook has a 1.6 ghz processor... the iPad has 1 ghz. And I would love, love, love a device to come along and give newspapers their audience back with some sort of nifty portable, electronic reader... but the iPad has a glossy, bright screen, not the electronic ink that devices like the Kindle use.To me that was the big deal breaker. They should've figure out a way to make it read like a book/newspaper so it can be used in sunlight. Again, I wish something would save newspapers and magazines. But part of me will enjoy seeing smug Steve Jobs fail.
Agreed
First...this iPad rocks...the dailymotion video is priceless!
And I am an avid apple fan, but I agree...this device seems so useless. Its like a bloated iPhone. And to add on to what it doesn't have, it doesn't have flash capabilies.
A friend pointed out that if you mount the iPad (seriously, WTF kind of name is that) on the wall, it will make for a great digital picture frame!! \o/
LED screen?
Stellar photoshopping!
Well done!
iProcess (so you don't have to) is my favorite thing ever.
When I read "So, who's the genius who came up with the name
iPad?" I laughed heartedly. Then I read this article and wondered where you got your inspiration.
http://blogs.abcnews.com/theworldnewser/2010/01/whos-the-genius-who-came-up-with-the-name-ipad.html
haha!
Snarker, really? Genius.
Snarker, really? Genius.
P.S. Wtf is the point really?
I was literally ROTF
This was soooo funny!
Great imagination and clever writing... Thanks for made my afternoon!
I will be remembering this when I see an i-something and be laughing in the street like a crazy person.
LOL!!!
Quite funny... What the fuck was Steve Jobs thinking when he named it "iPad"...
"Were I receptive to such proposition, it would first require a full booty check, and if you were to pass muster, baby I'd give it to you family style"-Peggy Peabody
Who is that couple naked in
Check "Room in Rome" trailer.
Thanks!
the Ipad...
My first thought
was "I Pad"? REALLY? PAD? Who was on that committee?
Not a lot of women for sure....I don't think I could speak it's name with a straight face if I did own one.
Makes me think of that great line in The L Word when Bette and Tina are considering the legal name of their first child by combining their surnames and Tina is like, great---"Hey "Por-Tard"...." I still laugh when I think of that scene!
Not to mention this pad is, of course, over-priced. I mean it's an over-sized smart phone or an under-sized pc--I mean mac, right?
It looks really cool, but at that price?
iPass.OH, and
This was
funny. That Mad TV sketch makes me wish Mad TV was still around.
"Come On Then Get These Good Done Debbies"
I'm with the rest of the
This has definitely made my
This has definitely made my day. i wonder if it also updates you on how cramps will be like for the day.... hahahahaahah
Hilarious!
LMAO
Brilliant!
hahahahaha!
i had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud hahaha
CHEERS SNARKER!
<<S>>
Excited, but
I'm not too happy that there's no possible way of running two apps at once; i.e. you can read an online newspaper, but can't listen to music at the same time. Apple (Steve) should have known better and made the thingy capable of doing just that. Running two or more apps at the same time shouldn't be that hard, especially not for Apple.
Anyhoo; by the time it's getting cheaper this problem should have been solved (due to expected bad reviews about the one app at a time issue) and I'm sure to buy one! :D
Multi-Tasking
I'm not surprised that it cannot run two applications at once... It's definitely a man's product, the fact that:
a) there must've been no women on the board for the naming of the thing
b) there must've been no women on the board in designing that thing since women are known to be better at multi-tasking than men
So yeah... Running two apps at once might just short-circuit the thing and render it unusable. =P
thanks!
chap was a bit clueless huh?
DS,
That was awesome! Seriously, look in the mirror today and say "iRock"! ;)
Reply:
This is a highly amusing post. It is very funny. Thanks for sharing this.
Chapel Hill Houses for sale
Honestly didn't think of
Honestly didn't think of this until I heard all the jokes. Vaguely reminds me of one of my friends laughing at the first sentence of The Age of Innocence when we were 16: "though there was talk of the erection." Some words do mean more than one thing.
"I can make the rain go any time I move my finger." -- Sinatra
so funny
i laugh so hard reading this. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hilarious MadTV video.
Hilarious MadTV video. Especially the dancing at the end. I LOL'd!
The frisbee seemed to be getting larger; and then it hit me.
Twitter me! @Deb_Renee