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How not to cover Angelina Jolie

by
Dorothy Snarker

Congratulations, Angelina Jolie! You've just added two bouncing bundles of joy to your ever-expanding litter family of youngsters. You're in a relationship with one of the sexist men alive. Your summer blockbuster Wanted has grossed nearly $200 million internationally. And, oh yeah, you're gorgeous. You must feel on top of the world right about now. So, naturally, I hesitate to bring this up. But I simply cannot ignore this any longer, I must know. Do the magazine editors of the world have some kind of grudge against you?

It's the only logical explanation for the monstrosity that is the new Vanity Fair Italy cover. Yowza. Your face looks like it was molded out of Silly Putty. And your skin looks like you rolled around in cocoa powder before arriving at the studio. Or, possibly, this is just your wax figure from Madame Tussauds sprayed with too much bronzer, in which case what a clever time-saving technique.

But I am afraid there is even more evidence to my grudge theory, namely the June 20 issue of Entertainment Weekly. I don't know how they did it, but the editors at EW managed to make me look at you and, for the first time, think “Wow, that nose!” instead of “Wow, those lips!” Vanity Fair Italy actually used EW's shots and just doctored them to be even less attractive. Nice trick, guys.

Even your more flattering covers shots are distracting for other reasons. The American edition of Vanity Fair had a lovely, sexy shot of your cleavage, err, face in July.

First Gillian Anderson and now you. So what gives? Are all these magazine editors secretly (or not-so-secretly) jealous of you? Did someone get drunk while using Photoshop? Are you deliberately changing your skin tone as an homage to the multi-ethnic backgrounds of your international brood? The silliest part is, this is all so totally unnecessary. The real you will always be more beautiful than the digitally-altered you.

p.s. If you and Brad ever need a babysitter, give me a call. As long as you have cable and a nanny to change the poopie diapers, I'm so there.

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    • Submitted by
    Dorothy Snarker
    on July 16, 2008 - 1:00pm.
    TAGS :: 
    glamagyrl's picture

    ??

    Submitted by
    chilaxing (200 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 1:18pm.

    I don't see what the big deal is about the different skin tone on the covers. You can still tell that it's her.

     

    ktbear1020's picture

    Not just the skin tone.

    Submitted by
    Katie (5 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 1:38pm.
    Of course you can tell it's her, I don't think that is the point.  The fact that media outlets feel that they need to "retouch" an already gorgeous face to make it flawless is the disturbing thing.
    Latane_Blu's picture

    Photoshop is the

    Submitted by
    Latane_Blu (70 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 1:44pm.

    Photoshop is the everyday womans nightmare. It reinforces the poor self image women in general struggle with from childhood. That is the big deal. 

    I am so glad I have only used Dove for yearrrrss[good product] and they have launched such a wonderful positive campaign for women's self image.Of REAL women:)

    lezgirllover's picture

    Drunk while photoshopping

    Submitted by
    Gaby (334 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 1:56pm.
    How can the editors let this go to print??? I admit that sometimes retouching a picture can help (not in making someone look younger, thinner etc), but do they really need to change their faces?
    SpaceCloudAgent7's picture

    I've often thought

    Submitted by
    SpaceCloudAgent7 (61 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 6:30pm.

    I've often thought that.

    I've no idea how anyone (the people who do the photoshopping, the editors, the photographers whose good work gets demolished etc) allows this to happen. I mean seriously who looks at that pic (& countless others) & thinks "Wow, we've done a great job here, looks fantastic!" They've ruined a probably very nice pic.

    Some photoshop to remove bags under eyes etc I can maybe understand but to actually bascially mess with an entire face to warp someone into this really weird looking & very obviously photoshopped state I just don't get. It doesn't even look remotely good!

    I don't mind some photoshop but when they make someone look unhuman & as if their skin is all melting into plastic...that's when I take issue.

    lezgirllover's picture

    Thank you very much!

    Submitted by
    Gaby (334 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 11:59pm.

    I totally agree, obviously. How can someone think that THAT looks good?????

    Thank you for expressing this more eloquently than I did.

    x ruthanne's picture

    wtf.

    Submitted by
    Ruth (37 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 2:20pm.
    the use of photoshop is disgusting. It's so obviously used in some of these pictures. Normal flaws such as birth marks or dark spots appear and disappear. In the last picture with the two side by side - on the left you can see two distinctive marks, one to the left of her nose and one above her left eye brow. Of course there is nothing at all wrong with that. Certain marks are what make us human! Why must they be covered to portray a face that isn't true?
    kazoocapital's picture

    She looks like a black Mona

    Submitted by
    Spill Jill (77 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 2:34pm.
    She looks like a black Mona Lisa that would only appear in an LSD motivated dream. Not good.
    petiteframboise's picture

    good one. :) damn, i

    Submitted by
    Lisa (26 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 2:55pm.

    good one. :)

    damn, i could care less about the skin tone, but what's up with the nose?! oO

    Nessie2000's picture

    I took one look at the top photo and thought.....

    Submitted by
    Vanessa (16 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 3:16pm.

    ... That's the Mona Lisa!!

    I just hope Annie Leibovitz wasn't responsible for any of these crimes to the human eye. Angelina Jolie is gorgeous as is, full stop!

     

    arodrig's picture

    Natural Beauty

    Submitted by
    sleepylobster (141 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 3:17pm.

    That women like Angelina Jolie and Sharon Stone are touched up to the point of looking like artificial skin covered robots is scary.  I find  the natural eyes, lines  and smile on the left so much more attractive than the scary thingy on the right... Photoshop is fine for removing blemishes, scars, adjusting for poor lighting.... but this is just weird

    -A

    Pyewacket's picture

    Beauty is the new ugly.

    Submitted by
    Pyewacket (886 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 3:37pm.

    Okay, years ago the whole photoshop thing started for really good reasons. But now, my lord...thanks to the photoshop gang having to justify their existance and their paychecks...natural beauty has become the new ugly to eliminate!

    Geez, it is just like the orange spray-on tan that stars get just before walking the red carpet. Nope, sorry...you do not look hot...you look orange...creamsicle orange.

    The few celebs I have seen in person look much better...healthier, younger, beautiful...then their over-made-up alter egos on the screen.

    Kind reminds me of a certain episode of the Twilight Zone called "The Eye of the Beholder"...where deformed faces become the norm and a woman who is naturally pretty (and has been having surgeries to become deformed but with no success) has to be exiled with her kind so as to not upset the overall status of the state. Rod Serling was ahead of his time.

     

     

    phantomavatar08's picture

    Yikes!

    Submitted by
    phantomavatar08 (18 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 4:13pm.

    It's the invasion of the cocoa covered people!!!

    Dear Magazine Editors.....Seriously?!?!?

     

    If homophobes always think what they've always thought, then they'll always get what they've always got...my foot have way up their

    onedimpledcheek's picture

    Maybe Vanity Fair Italy was

    Submitted by
    onedimpledcheek (46 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 4:57pm.

    Maybe Vanity Fair Italy was trying to make her look like an Italian. That's the only explanation that seems plausible.

    I think the entertainment world just has it out for Angie in general. I know regular folks hate her with a passion for no reason at all, too.

    Mayhaps they just can't handle that she kind of turned into this wonder woman after all the crazy was over. Sorry haters; she's kind of spectacular.

    Deal with it.

    charbonneau's picture

    Wandering Eye

    Submitted by
    charbonneau (67 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 7:54pm.

    Vanity Fair always seemed to me to have interesting, beautifully photographed covers, but both those examples above are horror stories. The first one looks like they found a cast-off from one of those crazy Italian variety shows, what with the lazy left eye, the shortened chin and the nose that clearly belongs on someone else's face. As for the USA cover, I swear VF was trying for a brunette version of Marilyn Monroe. Perhaps Annie L. is on vacation...

    Pencil or pistol? I just can't decide.

    Betty's picture

    Angelina Smile

    Submitted by
    Betty (186 posts)
    on July 16, 2008 - 11:06pm.

    The cover does resemble the Mona Lisa paintning.

    I couldn't care less about the skin tone or the nose but I dislike the American edition of Vanity Fair cover. Everything looks so "perfect" to the point of disturbingly fake. I prefer the naturally beautiful Angelina.

    Btw, wanting to become Angelina's babysitter? Get in the line, sista!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

    Bekkah's picture

    *reading header* "oh

    Submitted by
    Bekkah (78 posts)
    on July 17, 2008 - 1:59am.

    *reading header*

    "oh well, it can't be that bad, i mean she's so gorgeous how badly could they--"

    *sees picture*

     

    "SWEET ZOMBIE BABY JESUS! HER FACE! WHAT DID THEY DO TO HER FACE?!?!?!"

     

    *shudders*

     

    you can't unsee that stuff.

    Keeva99's picture

    "SWEET ZOMBIE BABY JESUS!"

    Submitted by
    Keeva99 (126 posts)
    on July 17, 2008 - 4:40am.

    LOL...now that's funny.

    We have the poope here in Australia at the moment, and damn I wish I had enough time to put this on a t-shirt...lol.

    My brother has been going around saying "baby cheeses" "pwaise cheeses"...lol.

    ____________________________

    Sarah Warn - "she's not unattractive according to conventional standards of femininity, which is Women's studies speak for...she's hot".

    Katherine Key's picture

    Ridiculous

    Submitted by
    Katherine Key (29 posts)
    on July 17, 2008 - 4:08am.
    This is just ridiculous. First when I saw the cover, I thought "Is that Paris Hilton had her ugly tan and make up but the eyes and lips of gorgeous Angelina?". Than I thought "Oh, God! What did they do to her?!". Absolutely dead picture, even Jolie's tempting look is not tempting anymore. It's not expressing anything. Those editors are criminals, how f*ckin unsensetive and blind and drunk could they be to make THIS? I mean, Jesus, look at the Anton Corbijn's pictures or Hedi Slimane's pics. No make up, no photoshop and unbeliavably beautiful photos. Such a shame that not everyone can see it.
    Tikster's picture

    Touch-ups

    Submitted by
    Fuzzy Duck (11 posts)
    on July 17, 2008 - 8:13am.
    The first two covers also have airbrushed (or covered with bronzer) her beauty mark on her forehead.
    LilyJadeRose's picture

    wow!

    Submitted by
    LilyJadeRose (297 posts)
    on July 17, 2008 - 10:35am.

    now that's just bad photography.  who that was an awesome idea to let those pictures go to print?  the photog should be fired immediately!! 

    ~i am bisexual.  you are confused.~ 

    The Lo Down fan forum: http://www.afterellen.com/node/34821

    arodrig's picture

    A challenge

    Submitted by
    sleepylobster (141 posts)
    on July 17, 2008 - 1:47pm.

      I think I've found a challenge for all Photoshop nuts: Try editing this picture to make it any better.

     

    Her Majesty

     

    helen

    The latest from

    http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/index.html

    dontdoit's picture

    I love me some photoshop

    Submitted by
    Plunk'd (142 posts)
    on July 17, 2008 - 1:14pm.
    I love me some photoshop

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