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Hi, I'm Jessica Alba and I drool

by
Dorothy Snarker

Ugh. I’m not sure what annoys me most about this poster.

Is it the fact that the ice cream cone dripping all over Jessica Alba’s hand is the least subtle phallic symbol since middle-aged men began buying red, shiny sports cars; the fact that it’s part of a trio of groan-worthy posters (seriously, groan) for her new film Good Luck Chuck; or the fact that it is one in a strange series of pictures taken of the actress recently where she is either dripping or splattered with some form of liquid and/or edible substances?

To the latter, I ask, yeah, what’s up with that? Better yet, don’t answer. I know it must get boring for those photographers, having to shoot young, supple, toned actress after young, supple, toned actress. So, why not spice up a photo shoot by covering her in, say, ice cream or bubble gum or bottled water. Also, I think she should be drooling the water. Like I said, ugh.

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    • Submitted by
    Dorothy Snarker
    on May 25, 2007 - 8:58am.
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    YaTuSabe's picture

    I Did Almost Drool. Literally.

    Submitted by
    Alessandra (5 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 9:11am.

    Ugh? She's gorgeous!

    I'm surprised these photographs would be criticized. If anything, they represent good news for people tired of the same old "pretty little starlet" ad campaigns. The shots are more naturalistic than overly-glamorized or airbrush. The GQ photoshoot shows Alba for what she is: a naturally beautiful woman. Personally, I'd rather celebrate her natural beauty (in everyday settings [with water, chewing gum]), than see more Photoshop-perfected, unrealistic, high-gloss photos in most fashion magazines.

    The ice-cream cone as a phallic symbol? Okay, maybe, but I'm sure most things can be seen as phallic symbols when looked at from a bitter perspective.

    Andra8's picture

    How could it not be phallic?

    Submitted by
    Andra8 (72 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 12:03pm.
    The dripping ice cream is obviously supposed to be cum.  In fact, I don't know if I have ever seen a more phallic symbol.  Usually, I think people see phallic symbolism where it is not there (skyscrapers and the like), but there is no way to deny it in this case. 
    mlei's picture

    ugh is right

    Submitted by
    mlei (31 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 9:25am.
    its pornographic, plain and simple. and gross-out spermy rather that goes beyond your everyday phallic symbolism. and these photos look just as airbrushed as any fashion mag photos. this is the same old thing...just nastier.
    ann_82's picture

    ITA

    Submitted by
    ann_82 (52 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 11:26am.
    Jessica Alba may be good looking, but this disgusting male fantasy porn aesthetic is about as far from sexy as you get.
    Heartsease's picture

    I do agree...

    Submitted by
    ~H~ (2451 posts)
    on June 27, 2007 - 9:33pm.

    that this post is gone.

    Harpy's picture

    Heh

    Submitted by
    Harpy, Moderator (9130 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 9:28am.

    LOL!

    Probably my biggest pet peeve is people who are sloppy eaters.  You know, food on their face and such.  That being said, these photos don't bother me in that regard.  They're just... wtf.  The drooling one is just stupid.

    Heartsease's picture

    Ha! I see your point, but...

    Submitted by
    ~H~ (2451 posts)
    on June 27, 2007 - 9:35pm.

    Jessica Alba looks beautiful (no matter how they set up the shot).

    She has a classic look in the ice cream photo.

    Those lips...
    Those eyes...
    That gorgeous figure...

    She's lovely (no matter what they decide to drip on her  ;-) ).

    netgirl1983's picture

    hehe

    Submitted by
    Chantal (302 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 10:40am.

    The only reason why people are complaining is because the ice cream is dripping. If it was just the ice cream it would be Jessica just holding an Ice Cream and could pass for a summer photoshoot , when you take out the letters and all that too

    The water drool is just, well nasty.

    The gum? That's just adorable and cute

     

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    huzzahbravo's picture

    That bubblegum

    Submitted by
    huzzahbravo (18 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 11:04am.

    looks like a condom on her nose.

    There's nothing subtle or cute about this photo shoot.

    Heartsease's picture

    A condom?

    Submitted by
    ~H~ (2451 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 11:18am.

    That thought never even entered my mind. I guess my mind doesn't want to go there.

    If it did...I suppose I would be disgusted, but since I'm seeing bubblegum on the face of an adorable woman...I think it is a cute photo.

    Heartsease's picture

    By the way...

    Submitted by
    ~H~ (2451 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 11:22am.

    Look at "someone you may know's" avatar (below the bubblegum photo). It seems that it is the "before" version of the bubblegum photo.

    Gobias Somecoffee's picture

    Not that appealing...

    Submitted by
    Gobias Somecoffee (251 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 2:32pm.

    I don't think that Jessica Alba is that hot but those photos make it worse.  The water drool is gross as is the ice cream.  I like the "before" version of the bubble gum photo better since the "after" looks weird.

    My friend loves Jessica Alba so he'd probably think they're hot. Heh.

    th1thonly's picture

    I agree

    Submitted by
    th1thonly (36 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 3:20pm.
    I don't really get the appeal of Jessica Alba. I guess she's pretty, but she's just not my type. Plus, it really bothers me that she CAN NOT ACT. She ruined Sin City for me a little bit (Alexis Bledel wasn't that good either, but at least her part was small). A boy in my class last year was totally smitten w/ Jessica Alba. *shrug* To each their own, I guess.
    plain_alicia_was_taken's picture

    I didn't think of the ice

    Submitted by
    Alicia (10 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 1:10pm.

    I didn't think of the ice cream cone as phallic, but seeing it that way really makes me want to gag.  That picture of her had potential to be really pretty.

    FemBot's picture

    Bored now.

    Submitted by
    FemBot (40 posts)
    on May 25, 2007 - 4:50pm.
    And the difference between the movie industry and the porn industry just got a wee bit smaller. 
    snarky2007's picture

    I love trashy hollywood aesthetics...

    Submitted by
    snarky (92 posts)
    on May 26, 2007 - 1:42am.

    it's bringing high society to hell on an eighteen wheeler...honestly I didn't see the phallic symbolism till you brought it up.

    But, its not as bad as you might think. Ive seen far worse. I think in Europe they even go so far as to milk lesbian erotica in advertisements so blatantly that even little kids can see. Of course they just say they're more open, and they endorse that with the fact that as oversexed as Americans think they are, their sexual assault rates are still lower. I have to shrug at that.

    And as for Jessica Alba, I hate her....She's gorgeous!

    There's something about her though, she's so flawless it's almost boring.

    drivewayblues's picture

    hmm..

    Submitted by
    prettyhatemachine (11 posts)
    on May 27, 2007 - 9:44pm.

    i will never understand this big fuss over jessica alba.. sure she's pretty, but she's not that great.. and her acting skills (from the movies i've seen) are less than stellar ...

    Jadedgrrl's picture

    FF2

    Submitted by
    Jadedgrrl (36 posts)
    on May 28, 2007 - 9:17am.

    Anybody seen how how freeeeeeaaaaky she looks in the new Fantastic Four movie?!?! The blonde hair-blue eyes combo make her look like and albino!

    fantasticfour13.jpg

     And she has no curves. It's aaaaall an illusion.

    Don't dream it, be it.

    omega_800's picture

    Jessica Alba

    Submitted by
    omega_800 (79 posts)
    on May 28, 2007 - 10:05am.
    is, in my opinion, definitely more suited to be a brunette. I hardly recognized her in that picture!
    lovecatcadillac's picture

    I can handle the blonde hair on Ms Alba, but the blue eyes? NO.

    Submitted by
    lovecatcadillac (69 posts)
    on June 20, 2007 - 10:50pm.

    YES! God, yes! The blonde hair in the first Fantastic 4 movie took some getting used to, but I eventually started to think it looked quite nice. But then when they changed her eyes for the sequel... Whenever I walk into my local cinema, the giant poster of Susan Storm with those freaky, freaky blue eyes never fails to make me rear back in horror, shriek, "Oh, Jesus God and fuck!" and cross myself, even though I'm not religious.

    *sighs* And I do believe I had a little subconscious crush on Jessica Alba, back when I was thirteen or so and watching her as Max Guevara on Dark Angel. How times do change us.

    SassyChicagoChick's picture

    I just want to wash her

    Submitted by
    SassyChicagoChick (7 posts)
    on May 28, 2007 - 11:04am.
    I just want to wash her hands.  Ick.  Gross.  Poor thing.
    peeking's picture

    yes

    Submitted by
    peeking (32 posts)
    on May 28, 2007 - 10:44pm.
    wash her (shivers)...that's brilliant.  The Austin Powers in me loves the stupidity of those images.  I think she's one of nature's sexbombs.  Things don't always have to be pc.  Sex is beyond reason, don't we all know that and keep relearning it all the time!
    kateypants's picture

    i mean really

    Submitted by
    kateypants (17 posts)
    on May 28, 2007 - 11:44pm.
    i think if anything it's more problematic that we fetishize conventionally beautiful, skinny people (only) than 'phallic' symbols like an icecream cone. Who doesn't like icecream? It's tasty. Doesn't really look like some boy's downstairs to me. I vote yay for the proliferation of ALL saucy images, be they conventional or out there. I don't want to deny the hotness of Miss Alba, just bring on the diversity of cute.
    snarky2007's picture

    yeah okay.

    Submitted by
    snarky (92 posts)
    on May 29, 2007 - 12:31am.

    "I don't want to deny the hotness of Miss Alba, just bring on the diversity of cute."

    I'll confess it...I freakin love Jessica Alba, despite how flawlessly boring I think she is. I love the fact that she isn't one of those oversexed celebrities with superhuman curves like Jessica Simpson/Brit/LaLohan...

    But I still find her boring. But I still love her. Lol.

    Xaverie's picture

    Hahahaha. Oh man, lesbians

    Submitted by
    Xaverie (69 posts)
    on June 1, 2007 - 4:42pm.
    Hahahaha. Oh man, lesbians will complain and call ANYTHING pornographic these days. If that's phallic or pornographic to you, then you have simply a) never seen porn or b) think way too much about the Penis.
    Mercy83's picture

    I Don't Get It

    Submitted by
    Mercy83 (not verified)
    on June 2, 2007 - 12:23am.

    Seeing the Vega post - the two women embracing each other, seemed a whole lot more pornographic to me.

    I mean, I'm sure this is a dead debate now, but really - if a child saw the Vega image, would a possible question not be "Why is that lady sitting on the other lady?" and if a child saw the above Jessica Alba picture (which I expected to be so much worse - it's dribbling over her hand for crying out loud!) they'd be like "I want ice-cream!"

    I just don't get it, really I don't. And don't even come at me with the whole phallic symbology because to the majority of people who'd see that ad, a) they'd be like Mmm Jessica and b) they'd be like Mmm Ice Cream.

    Just some random thoughts. Stay tuned for a live weather up-date.


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