Guest starlets Britney and Paris vie for ratings

Ratings are God. OK, let me rephrase that before someone chucks a Bible/Koran/Torah/Vedas/dog-eared copy of Atlas Shrugged at my head (what, no radical individualists here?). In the world of television, ratings are God. Sure, good writing and strong acting are minor gods. But the Big Kahuna is, and always will be, ratings. In the quest for more and bigger ones, television has a long and sordid history of sacrificial offerings stunt casting. Though, sometimes when you consider who they’re offering up, you wonder if we the audience aren’t the ones being sacrificed instead. Case in point:

Oy. Two well-regarded (if not on my must-see list) shows, How I Met Your Mother and My Name Is Earl, are bringing on guest starlets Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, respectively. Both shows are no doubt relying on the high-profile cameos to help them build buzz for their new episodes as they return post–writers' strike. And, dagnabbit, if it hasn’t worked. Still, as the doomed character in any sci-fi film would say, “Dear God, what have we done?!”

Brit-Brit, who will appear on How I Met Your Mother March 24, is no doubt using her one-episode appearance as yet another comeback launching pad. She will play “Abby,” a receptionist for Ted’s dermatologist who becomes smitten with him. Scrubs star Sarah Chalke will play the dermatologist. Not like anyone noticed with all the “Oh, my God, that Britney’s shameless” hoopla going around. In fact, Alicia Silverstone dropped out from the dermatologist role precisely for that reason.

Paris will pop up on My Name Is Earl in a dream sequence (or should we say nightmare?) on April 3. I used to watch Earl, that first season before the Ugly Betty/30 Rock battle royale for my heart took over. Paris apparently appears to Earl while he is in a coma. That do-not-resuscitate consent form is looking better and better.

Now, I’m sure neither starlet will be horrible in her role. Alyson Hannigan even dubbed Britney “lovely” and said, “I have been quite impressed by Britney’s performance. The character she is playing is very sweet and endearing, which seems to come naturally to her.” Plus, this kind of guest-star-itis, while acute, is usually blessedly brief.

So here is my question: Does any of this actually make you want to watch? And, if you do watch, are you watching for the train wreck (for reference, please see the MTV Video Music Awards), or are you watching for the sheer celebrity of it all? And, finally, if Paris makes good on her threat to guest star on The L Word, will you boycott or, better yet, girlcott? Discuss.