And the Oscar goes to ... the wrong person

I have an Academy Awards fantasy. This Sunday, when the presenter opens the envelope for Best Achievement in Directing, I envision audible gasps, then stunned silence and, finally, thunderous applause when un-nominated Kasi Lemmons benefits from a secret write-in campaign and wins for Talk to Me.

And then, for the hell of it, Sarah Polley wins an Honorable Mention for Away From Her.

I suspect, however, that one of the actual nominees will win. (I'm pulling for Jason Reitman — Juno.) But this does not change the sad truth that sometimes the best movies and performers do not get nominated, and sometimes the absolutely wrong performers and movies win.

It can be pretty tough to figure out the logic. For example, my brother noted that the longest — read poorly edited — movies often win Best Editing. (As he elaborated, “All 28 hours of The English Patient beat Fargo in 1997.) And the acting nominees sometimes reflect the most offensive scenery-chewing.

Of course, my brother and I are not the only ones to spew righteous indignation about the state of Academy Awards affairs. I recently read a pretty good list of the Worst Oscars Ever, some of which I agreed with and some of which I disagreed with. And this led me to compile my own list of Academy Awards Travesties — the performers and movies that stole the awards that should have rightfully gone to more deserving others.

Best Picture Travesty — Crash (2006)

Sometimes, perhaps even frequently, the Academy gets it right. A personal high for me was when The Silence of the Lambs beat JFK in 1992.

And whether or not it was really the best movie of the year, Shakespeare in Love made me very happy when it knocked out Saving Private Ryan in 1999.

But sometimes the Academy gets it very, very wrong. Dare I mention A Beautiful Mind over In the Bedroom in 2002, Gladiator over Traffic in 2001 and Braveheart over Babe in 1996. (And my brother still wakes up screaming because Dances With Wolves beat Goodfellas in 1991. What is so compelling about the crappy epics?) But the most obvious, most egregious and most morally and criminally wrong was Crash over Brokeback Mountain in 2006. Crash was entertaining in a manipulative, simplistic, overbearing way. (People are capable of both good and bad. Who knew?!) And, of course, the women were quite lovely.

(I also had an adolescent crush on Matt Dillon back in the day.)

But Brokeback was compelling enough to turn the “gay cowboy movie” into a mainstream hit. It featured subtle, engaging performances, a mesmerizing story and breathtaking cinematography. Fie on you, Academy members, for this travesty.

Best Actress Travesty — None

It makes me quite happy that I don't have a nominee for this category. Had I been consulted, I might have handed out a few statuettes to different winners over the years, but I can't find any that trigger outrage. And I can name many that make me very happy: Charlize Theron for Monster. And, most important, Hilary Swank for Boys Don't Cry.

That was possibly the best performance in a movie ever. Ever.

I do, however, wonder why there are so few travesties here. Thinking about it leads me to a depressing hypothesis, namely that there are so many fewer meaty roles for women, so the few who get the opportunities almost always shine.

Best Actor Travesty — Denzel Washington (Training Day, 2002)

There are, of course, many roles for men and many corresponding opportunities for them to overact or be overrated. I could go on at length about Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe and Tom Hanks — all of whom bore me to tears — but I don't feel like blathering on about the boys. I will simply take a moment to note that Tom Wilkinson delivered a perfect, understated performance in the best movie of 2001, In the Bedroom. And he lost to bombast personified, Denzel Washington.

Best Supporting Actress Travesty —Angelina Jolie (Girl, Interrupted — 2000)

And speaking of bombast, I'm going to commit the cardinal lesbian sin of criticizing Angelina Jolie. She wasn't bad in Girl, Interrupted, but her character and her performance were both over the top. Contrast that with Chloë Sevigny, who created a believable, complex person that same year in Boys Don't Cry.

I know others would argue that the biggest Best Supporting Actress Travesty is Whoopi Goldberg beating Lorraine Bracco in 1991, and I suppose that's a fair argument. But that doesn't pain me as much as the triumph of bombast over understatement.

On the flip side, the Best Supporting Actress category was the source of my favorite Oscars moment. I haven't seen The Piano, so I don't know if Anna Paquin deserved the win, but her acceptance speech was priceless.

Best Original Song Travesty — “It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp” (Hustle and Flow, 2006)

This was the other travesty of 2006. I don't actually have any feelings about “It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp,” but Dolly Parton's “Travelin' Thru” deserved to win. And that's not just because I love Dolly. It's also because the song helped create the warmth and heart of Transamerica.

There are many runners-up in this category, though. Particularly egregious was when the stupid Tarzan Phil Collins song beat “Blame Canada” from South Park and “When She Loved Me” from Toy Story 2.

Best Director Travesty — Kimberly Peirce not being nominated in 2000

I'm not upset that Sam Mendes won in 2000 — American Beauty was an excellent movie. But the fact that Kimberly Peirce was not even nominated for Boys Don't Cry tells me that the Academy that year was full of extremely sexist or extremely stupid people.

The Cider House Rules and The Insider were both perfectly good movies, but neither was as gripping or as powerful as Boys Don't Cry — which means that neither was as well directed.

In the history of the Academy Awards, I can find one ray of hope in the Best Directing category. I firmly believe Sofia Coppola would have won in 2004 had it not been the predetermined year for Peter Jackson to win for the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I could keep going, but I've gone on far too long already. What Academy Awards — or omissions — trigger your righteous indignation?