m.dawson's blog

Well, Otalia fans, this is the last recap. It’s been a wonderful ride. I have enjoyed having every one of you in the back seat. Though Guiding Light was traded in for cash for clunkers and what’s behind curtain #3, Otalia will live on. Thanks to your request there is now a written history. Albeit, not a very reverent one, but a humorously fitting one. Thank you for all your support.

Olivia and Natalia have their arms around each other and are attached at the hip. Could be my mind schmootz, but it appears they’re basking in afterglow. Personally, I never believed that network BS about them waiting because they had never been with a woman before. These are not two teenagers fumbling around in the dark, these are two experienced women, and lust is lust. It’s the same old bike, just get on and ride.

Otalia and Emma stop off before the wedding to see Philip. Beth comments on how close Olivia and Natalia have become. Philip says she has no idea. Actually, none of us have a freaking clue.

Earlier this week, I thought, "My god, have you ever seen such a love match between two beautiful women? I have never seen so much passion." What? Oh, this isn’t Otalia — I was watching tennis. "Guiding Light is on tomorrow."

Natalia walks into Olivia’s office with a book of baby names. She wants Olivia’s help naming their baby girl. (Personal prayer answered.) Olivia says she will help her, but she wants to move slowly. Slowly? The only thing Olivia Spencer does slowly is eat a muffin.

Natalia is reciting baby names and stops on “Ivy." Wonder how that creeped in? Nat takes Liv’s hand and places it on her belly; the baby kicked. Olivia tells Natalia she loves her, but she has to catch up to her on the baby thing.

Olivia runs into Josh. He asks her if she and Natalia are getting back together. She says, “I don’t know.” IDK-itis is more contagious on this show than swine flu. Get the shot and get on with your lives. Josh hears the scream reverberating in my head and tells Olivia to just do it. You love her, she loves you.

Olivia is out for a jog and runs into Matt. He is taking the edge off his sorrows with P&G product placement. He’s poppin’ Pringles because his ex-wife is remarrying. Olivia has been there before, many times, and sympathizes with lost chances.

Olivia gets a call from Natalia, which answers my initial confusion of why is she running with her phone in her hand. (A matching accessory for the sunglasses on the top of her head?) Nat is calling because she needs maternity clothes and she needs Olivia to go shopping with her. That’s what friends do, right?

Olivia agrees to help with Natalia’s professional pea in the pod ensemble. She can’t let Nat go to work in common clothes. That means no ugly blue scarves, no huge, puffy coats, no ridiculously large handbags and no laundry basket. Wait, Natalia is folding laundry. Some things never change.

Natalia runs into Matt at the mini-mart. Since Vanessa is marrying Billy, he is pondering the clinical benefits of ice cream or tequila for depression. I had no idea P&G made tequila. Must be a new marketing strategy to sell more pregnancy tests.

Not constrained by the standards or the practices of a gluteal-free diet, Josh devours Olivia’s maximus stretching routine. She says her “friends” don’t check out her ass like that. (No, but her fans do.)

Olivia’s in her office and asks Keira for a file. Natalia walks in with the portfolio. She comes bearing no cookies, no flowers, and no inhibitions.

Natalia needs a job, and she sees Olivia filled her old position with Emma’s friend from the spa. Nat can do anything — perhaps become a maid so she can clean up her own mess.

Olivia says this isn’t fair and wants her to leave. She doesn’t need a daily reminder of how much she loves Natalia. I’m thinking the picture on the nightstand, the picture on her desk, and the picture in her head is enough.

Natalia reminds Olivia she is a good employee and loved working at the Beacon...the benefits were beyond reform. Olivia’s resolve breaks a little as she compliments Natalia that she is good at whatever she does. I don’t think we have seen the “whatever” but I’ll take Liv’s word for it.

Liv quickly realizes her break in composure and tells Nat she can’t work with her. Saved by the bell; the elevator arrives. Liv gets inside, buttons pushed, and dreams of Natalia going down.

It’s official: After months of playful innuendo, The Soapgeist has announced Crystal Chappell will be playing the lesbian lead character, a designer named Gina, in the upcoming web serial, Venice: The Series.

Little is known of the series other than it is based around a family dynamic set in the progressive Southern California city of Venice Beach and several notable soap stars have signed on to the project including Jessica Leccia, the other half of Guiding Light’s same-sex super couple, Otalia, and Elizabeth Keener (The L Word, 3-Way).

Twitter was aflutter as legions of Otalia fans celebrated the confirmation that Chappell will play Gina.The production team tease that this could be the anticipated continuation of the pairing from the now canceled daytime drama.

Nat is back! She walks up to the farmhouse and smiles. I think she’s happy she doesn’t have to wear those matronly black clothes and ugly scarves anymore.

Father Ray is rehearsing his Sunday sermon, something about guilt I’m sure, and speak of the devil, Natalia walks in. Father Ray asks if Natalia discovered what God wants for her. Better yet, Natalia says faith gave her the strength to figure out what she wanted.

Natalia looks for Olivia at the gym. She really has been at a nunnery otherwise she would have started at the bar. Natalia goes to the Beacon. She bops on the door-gasm calling out Olivia’s name.

Natalia spots Olivia and Emma at the park. Liv turns to see Natalia and labors to exhale. Nat nervously begins with small talk then says she thought about Olivia every minute. Yeah, Liv thought about you, too, between the curious continuity and the gaggle of Goose.

Liv cuts right to it and asks why she left. As if revealing what’s behind curtain number three, Natalia steps from behind the car and says, “I’m pregnant.” Nat says it’s Frank’s baby from just that one time. Well, that’s all it takes. That, and a production team without protection.

Olivia wants to know why she didn’t tell her. Because then it would have been real. That ‘s why she had to go away and think. Olivia says you left me and didn’t say anything. Natalia apologizes. Olivia interrupts and reiterates that Natalia left her.

Olivia can’t sleep. She is tossing and turning and abusing prescription medications with every throw. My suggestion for immediate slumber would be to watch the video caps of this recent storyline.

She gives up and goes to Company for an early breakfast. Blake tries to make cute coffee conversation, but Olivia cuts off her percolation. Blake is Natalia’s friend; she helped her leave. She is not Olivia’s friend.

Olivia inquires of Buzz about his Jenna project and says it must be amazing to have someone to love you like that. Buzz believes Olivia is joking since she is the object of adoration of every man who has ever met her. Yeah, well, that’s not exactly what she wants. Frank looks a little nauseous.

Being some kind of sadist, Olivia asks Frank why Natalia left her. He doesn’t know, and does it really matter? Olivia presses the why, and Frank asks her if she ever considered that is was her — just her. Doubt.

I am suspending my recaps of The Closer. Initially, I was attracted to summarizing one of my favorite quirky dramas with the added bonus of what the press releases were calling a recurring lesbian character, played by former Miss Columbia, Paola Turbay. This character was supposed to be tough, hard-driving, and punishing. What could be better than that?

Well, present would be nice.

Paola Turbay doesn’t know when Detective Mikki Mendoza will be appearing on The Closer again. Responding to my tweet from a few days ago, the lovely Columbian replied that she loved the character, but didn’t know if or when when she would be back.

This is disappointing that a lesbian character was billed for the show, and at this point is a relative no show. As I commented in my recap last week, from what we have been given of the character, how are we supposed to know she is a lesbian?

TGIF, or this recap would have been posted on Twitter. I only had 140 characters — well, 141, but I decided to leave out a period.

Olivia comforts Ava after her father’s funeral. They are speaking of the fragility of human life. Timing is something we take for granted like babies, holidays, and GL editing.

Olivia is bemoaning the fact she has no one with whom to share her pain. Philip disagrees and reminds her that she is connected to most of the people in Springfield. Wasn’t she married to at least half of them?

I don’t really understand why Ava and Liv are now sitting in the dugout of the baseball field unless it’s a metaphor for Olivia riding the pine right now. Liv, get in the game.

Olivia tells Ava there are things that she doesn’t know about her and would rather she not hear them from someone else. Liv explains that Natalia saved her through all the loss last year. She gave her Gus’s heart, she nursed her back to health, and she stood by her at times that she didn’t deserve it.

Here is the synopsis: The Major Crimes squad investigates the murder of a man who, 10 years ago, was the lead suspect in the murder of two girls. The state of the body indicates he was dragged behind a truck a full day before being shot twice in the head and dumped in Elysian Park. A detective comes out of retirement to help with the investigation, but his obsession with closing his decade-old case threatens Brenda’s own inquiry.

Now, I’m asking you, how do I snark this? It’s difficult to give it a poke with my sarcastic stick when there is no lesbian involved. Tritely conceivedprimetime (and daytime) lesbian storylines make it easy. Detective Mendoza is a no show once again as there is no episode requirement for kicked-in doors, punched perps, or the need for Det. Sanchez to get his rocks off.

Also, how do we know that Detective Mikki Mendoza is a lesbian? I mean other than the fact AfterEllen.com broke the story months ago. Is it that she is a policewoman? Nope, TV lesbians with guns are usually the killers, not the cops Is it the jeans and “beater” tank tops with well toned muscular arms? Oh, hell, I have those. OK, well, that might be a clue then.

Anyway, what I am asking is how will this play out, and will it be soon? Will there be more massaging of Det. Sanchez’s Latin libido only to dash the poor man’s tense titillation? I assume we will all find out as Detective Mendoza, in keeping with the theme we all love so much, will in all probability ask Sanchez to be the sperm donor for her and her partner’s baby. Why couldn’t Mary McDonnell’s character have been the lesbian?

The rest of the episode goes like this:

Brenda is dreaming about the one she couldn’t close. Last February, Brenda cornered a murderer/rapist, Philip Stroh, but was unable to prosecute him. She is awakened from her frantic nightmare of him by a body call.

The victim is identified as a suspect in the missing person (and assumed dead) cases of two women in the 90’s. The bodies were never found, so the cases went cold. The investigating officer of the original cases was called in. The retired detective, Joey Olin, is played by none other than TomSkerritt.

This week’s recap picks up where last week’s left off. Olivia is at the farmhouse with a bottle of wine. Somewhere between then and now she has broken in and taken a wine glass.

While Liv empties the bottle in Jeffery’s memory, the phone rings reminding Olivia she has forgotten to pick up Emma from camp. A MADD member drop-out, Liv drives drunk to camp. And thus begins Olivia’s journey down the boulevard of bat-crap crazy so recently paved by the Obama “birthers."

Living up to the oath of Hypocrites, Christina decides her first responsibility is to do no harm. She volunteers to take Emma for the afternoon giving Liv the opportunity to sober up. No, Liv, it’s not fair that only the good die young, but why don’t you try walking off your fermentation so more innocents don’t become part of that urban proverb.

Liv ambles off, but not to find sobriety. She schlepps into Farley’s and finds Josh. Those two seem to prefer their afternoons muddled just like their mojitos. Liv and Josh lament the loss of friends and submerge each other’s collective sorrows in midday liquid spirit.

A few games of eight ball and a pot of Eight O’Clock later, Olivia admits she’s in trouble. She is drinking alone, endangering Emma, and frequently going around the Springfield bend. She is glad Josh is there to keep her real. Well, as real as this ill-conceived, disjointed storyline will allow.

Josh gives the erratic Liv a ride back to her hotel. That cheesy soft-core music plays as Olivia thanks Josh for driving her home. I anticipate retro muffin innuendo, but get blatant bath bravado instead. Liv shuts off the opportunity of any anticipatory ex-husband door-gasm and walks over to the stale Otalia picture from New Year’s Eve.

Blake walks through a wide open hotel door. That’s not the only thing unhinged in that room. She finds Liv sitting on the floor of her bathroom, shower running, eating a bag of chips. Blake realizes these crisps come with the dip.

This is the seventh episode and lesbian Det. Mikki Mendoza (Paola Turbay) makes her second appearance. I desired to recap this series with the impression that the lovely detective would recur on my screen more frequently. I don’t know why I should have assumed anything other than what we have been given. Lesbian characters on television are about as rare as an honest politician on C Street. Nonetheless, Mary McDonnell is back as well, and she is fabulous. This one is an estrogen rush.

Shots fired. Officers down. Major Crimes squad on the scene. Chief Johnson arrives. Nice shoes, Brenda Leigh. Two cops and one civilian are dead.

Looks like a routine traffic stop. The officers were fired upon when they pulled up. By the number of casings, an assault weapon.

The Force Investigation Division is already there. The captivating Capt. Raydor (Mary McDonnell) is making demands at the crime scene. Her tenacious meddling interferes with Brenda’s investigation.

Brenda says officers killed on the street belong to Major Crimes. Raydor adds that civilians killed by LAPD belong to FID. I would say this is a cat fight, but, if you remember, Brenda is short one kitty.

The Pope commands FID share the crime scene, but the holy see belongs to Brenda and Major Crimes. He instructs Raydor not to interfere.

Natalia is still locked away somewhere in the hills of Springfield in Catholic cleansing and contemplation. Olivia continues her experiment in melodramatic masochism by attending the blissful wedding of Bill and Lizzie where even the old people are kissing and forest animals are “twitterpated." One bright note, Doris seems to have yet another new jacket.

Rafe accuses Olivia of intending to break up yet another wedding. Since she has Biblical knowledge of the groom, perhaps the bride is the next obvious testimonial. Perhaps Rafe’s disrespect is displacement anxiety that BLANK is moving in on RANK.

As a sign of character growth, Liv asks Philip to take care of Emma. She can’t bear one more minute of this euphoric display of love’s commitment publicly proclaimed. Olivia takes one last gander as she heads for her next Goose.

Olivia snaps at Emma over the fact she needs lunch for camp. Olivia realizes it’s not the lunch she is lamenting and apologizes to Emma. Emma tells her mom that she misses Natalia, too.

Lts. Flynn and Provenza are eating breakfast. Provenza has traded his steak and eggs for fruit. His new squeeze says his diet was making him feel older. Flynn corrects that its his age making him feel older. Provenza goes into massages and stretching and at that part my mind just shuts down out of self preservation.

The Pope joins the detectives as part of his new incentive to break down walls with no isolation from on high. There is police action across the street. Provenza closes the blinds. Pope goes to the crime scene muttering something about the concept “to serve."

The Pope meets detective Richard Tracy, who explains the crime scene. The victim was shot in the face at close range. A woman was seen running away from the scene and sped away in a black BMW dropping a gun out the window.

Detective Tracy is very enthusiastic. He volunteers to log in all the evidence because they work for the same woman, right? Brenda Leigh? No, justice, the lady with the scales. Justice can be a little cold and gray. I’ll take Brenda any day.

Detective Tracy asks for the three detectives business cards. Provenza and Flynn think the new detective is a kiss ass. The Pope says Tracy is the kind of follower he is trying to mold in his image.

Cue The Sound of Music.

OK, as unimaginative as it is, GL had to create a storyline to logistically answer Jessica Leccia’s four week maternity leave. Essentially, they asked themselves, how do you solve a problem like Leccia? So, naturally, the powers that be chose a pregnancy and an abbey retreat with forced nun control.

So every time I ask myself questions like, why did Liv decide to take a jog around the pond instead of immediately going to Natalia? And why did she wait until the next day to call the love of her life, who out of the blue says through an interpreter that she doesn’t want to see her? I have to answer myself with that definite daytime dilemma: How do you solve a problem likeLeccia? Of course — you send her to the sisters, just not the Sapphic sort.

And so we begin.

A sleep deprived Liv calls Nat and leaves a message, pleading for her to pick up the phone. Liv runs to the farmhouse desperately knocking on the door; running from window to window calling Natalia’s name. More phone calls begging Nat not to ignore her. Liv trembles with foreboding.

Olivia goes to the police station to report a missing person, not that the SPD could find their hand in the dark. And what would an Otalia-themed scene be without Frank? I wouldn’t have the slightest idea, because he is here in perpetuum.

Frank reasons cold feet for why Natalia didn’t show, but Liv responds absolutely not, Natalia is honest with her. The smirk of the schmuck across the table says, Hello, my name is Frank, have we met? True, she did honestly dump you at the alter.

Brenda and Fritz are taking Kitty’s play things to donate at the shelter. Brenda paws at Kitty’s stuffed chickadee which is wrapped around the rear view mirror. Southerners like to call this behavior “eccentric," but speaking from experience, it’s just a fancy word for wackadoodle.

Brenda gets a call, interrupting their sentimental journey. There’s been a murder at the Crenshaw Community Center, Father Jack’s center. Brenda’s squad has a history there and not a good history. There is a single victim — black male, single gunshot wound to the head.

The victim’s wallet is there, so no robbery motive. Father Jack informs the detectives the victim is paroled ex-con, Reggie Gray. He was helping out at the community center, mentoring at risk youth and painting over the graffiti around the center.

Brenda wants to assess the crime scene from on high. Secure in his masculinity, Det. Sanchez holds Brenda’s purse while she climbs the bell tower of the church across the street. The church and associated Center overlook gang territory, a different gang in each direction.

Natalia gets sick in the bathroom; it’s Buzz’s oven smoke. What else could it be? It could be a myriad of more creative things, but it's not.

Fr. Ray comes by to pick up cookies for church. Why does Nat invite that vampire in? The padre notices Natalia isn't looking well, probably because he is sucking the life out of her. Father Ray insinuates her lifestyle choices are taking a toll on her. Nat refuses to believe she has to give up Olivia to make her life easier. This priest is a bad omen.

Doris and Ashlee argue over appropriate flatware when Olivia arrives. Ashlee tells her mom to fork off and leaves. Doris admits she tried to tell Ashlee about her sexuality years ago but couldn't. Olivia hopes she and Natalia handle it better than Doris did.

Natalia is still sick. She thinks it's food poisoning. Nat did have an old wiener four months ago — that could do it. Blake asks is there is any possibility she is pregnant. No one under the age of 90 attempts marriage without sleeping together first. For all those swinging nonagenarians out there, I apologize: GL's words, not mine.

Natalia explains her relationship with God is important. Blake interrupts, questioning if that means she and Olivia haven't had sex. No, they haven't, but don't blame God, blame the all-seeing eye of CBS.

Otalia are at the mini-mart shopping for BBQ baking supplies. Nat sends Liv on a marshmallow quest while she peruses the home pregnancy tests (they should be right next to the condoms). Too late now.

Philip is waiting for them outside the farmhouse. Natalia goes inside. Olivia tells Philip about their plans for Emma and the barbecue. Philip has no problem; he just wants Emma to be happy. Olivia knows there will be jokes. If Reva showed up with a woman, she would joke. If Reva showed up with a woman, we would all joke. Olivia believes everything will be OK, something someone who lives in a soap should never say.

Brenda is cooking. Things are slow at work, so as a substitute she decides to murder the meatloaf.

Fritz walks in with a package from the vet — Kitty’s ashes. Brenda cries. She is disturbed the vet put her in an old plastic bag and cardboard box. Brenda doesn’t want to be one of those women who put their cats in an urn. So as any self-respecting Southerner who has attended a Dixie Longate instructional Tupperware party would do, Brenda sealed away her valuables in the better plastic crap, and tucked him/her away in her purse.

Fritz sizes up Brenda. If things are really slow, she could do him a favor. No, they have decided to keep their professional lives separate. Brenda’s interest is piqued. The FBI just needs to find a routine missing person. But Brenda doesn’t have to. It has to be under the radar so to speak. Brenda says she guesses she can help out since thing are slow. Fritz puts down the bow. He plays such fine music.

The FBI’s missing person is a 26-year-old male reported missing by his boyfriend a month ago. Flynn wants to know why they are looking. Gay boy doesn’t come back from a party — it’s a familiar pattern. Brenda says start investigating. See if this convenient stereotype they are spouting to avoid real police work holds up.

The search doesn’t take them far as they find their missing person, Austin Blaine, in the morgue. The decedent had been to a circuit party, a gay rave, and died with symptoms of an overdose, GHB and alcohol. Will we discover more of why the medical examiner knows so much about the gay party circuit? Perhaps the lovely Latina Det. Mikki Mendoza told him.

The Otalia family lights the candles on Rafe's leftover birthday cake. Emma needs help with the blowing out — and with her lines. They all make a wish and we make ours, if there's a bun in the oven, please, let it be merely Liv's muff-in.

Nat wonders if she is a good mother when on her son's birthday, he can't be in the same room with them. Olivia promises they will find a way to bring Rafe back into the family. Thinking of Rafe reminds Olivia of community service. She has to get Emma to her camp project. Natalia wants to go but she has a job interview. And, you guessed it, we have more countenance caressing.

Later, Natalia orders a vodka, add an olive, serve it straight up, and you have the only thing passing over her girlfriend’s lips at this point. Could it be Freudian? Blake overhears and is intrigued at Natalia's desire of spirit. Natalia tells Blake she didn't get the job at Towers because she is over qualified. For the life of me, I can't imagine for what Nat and her IDK degree would be over qualified.

Blake inquires about her job as Olivia's assistant. Nat tells her she quit her job at the Beacon. Blake understands; Olivia can be hard to work for. No, Olivia is a great employer, though there is no public option currently offered in the negotiation of personal benefits.

Blake is going back into publishing soft core and mentions she needs an assistant. Nat accepts and orders Blake a shot, for giving her a shot. This is a weird viewer moment as Natalia’s alter ego is obviously 24 months pregnant — an appropriate gestation for an elephant-sized rumor of unplanned propagation and platitude.

Olivia and Emma are planting petunias at the park. Emma laments that all the other kids have bigger families and can plant more. Olivia explains families are a unit of love not length and come in all sizes. Emma wishes she had a bigger family. At that exact moment Natalia shows up. Foreshadowing?

Sgt. Gabriel is drowning his sorrows in his scotch while thinking about his Daniels. Commander Taylor returns his apology letter to Irene unopened. She’s moved on, and so should he.

Shots are heard outside the bar. Taylor and Gabriel pursue. The newspaper vendor is dead. Sgt. Gabriel is fired upon. He returns fire hitting the alleged assailant. Upon investigation, no weapon is found on or near the victim/suspect.

Enter the fierce and lovely Captain Sharon Raydor (Mary McDonnell). Force Investigation Division (IAD) officers are never popular, and she’ll never be voted Miss Congeniality by commandeering Brenda’s crime scene for the officer involved shooting. Down goes the yellow police tape and up goes the red tape of the FID unit — in more ways than one.

Chief Johnson is at the hospital with Sgt. Gabriel. He rode along with the victim/suspect. He tells her the victim/suspect kept saying he didn’t want to die and no one was supposed to get hurt. Brenda surmises that’s a awful odd thing to say for someone that was out killin’ people.

Brenda says no gun or casings were found. Only Gabriel’s. Capt. Raydor arrives at the hospital upset that members of the squad sent her to the wrong hospital initially.

Rafe walks up to Otalia demands to know what is going on. "Champagne, Ma?" (What is up with the "Ma"? Is this GL or Little House on the Prairie?)

Liv starts to speak, but Rafe puts on his prison persona and cuts her off. Natalia spanks him for speaking to Olivia like that. Have some respect.

Rafe asks how he is supposed to respect his elders, go to church. Rafe asks what’s going on? A Guiding Light-bulb moment. Rafe knows.

How long were they going to pretend Otalia were just friends. Knowing Olivia's reputation, Rafe wants to believe Olivia forced her. Now, Rafe, that may be how they do it in prison, but not in Otalia-ville. Rafe asks if this is some itch she needs to scratch? No, the only irritation around here is you.

If he is old enough to ask the question, then he is old enough to hear the answer. She is in love with Olivia. Rafe can't hear any more and walks away. Natalia tries to keep up but that small tent she wearing holds her back.

An airport security video shows Alan Summers, a real estate mogul investigated by the FBI for fraud and embezzlement. His employees are suing him for lost pensions. Just another day in the American financial institution paradise.

Both Summers and the chauffeur disappeared. A ransom was called in of $1,190,476.19. Strange, not many zeros. Unfortunately, the Summers’ assets have been frozen by the FBI.

Enter Det. Mikki Mendoza (Paola Turbay). Latina, beautiful and noticeable — could be the white tank top, but it’s just a guess.

Brenda dismisses this as a case where the target of a multi-million dollar lawsuit skipped town. Mendoza’s first impression is not a good one. She accuses Chief Johnson of making a decision before finishing the tape. Brenda repudiates the beautiful, former Miss Columbia. (OK, so I Googled her.)

The feline announces her/his presence. It’s bring your kitty to work day. The remaining video shows Summers driving himself away in the car owned by the car service. The whole thing looks staged.

OK, GL, I can't hold back. This week you have reduced me to my most common element. To all my pearl-wearing friends, I apologize in advance. Just clutch those Mikimoto’s to your chest and hold on. Now, let’s talk about sex.

Josh see Liv and motions for her to come over, and bring her muff-in for breakfast. How is she? Fine, in somewhat of a holding pattern. Good thing she has in flight fueling capabilities, she has been holding interminably.

Spencer doesn't have a project? Oh there's a project, she just can't work on it yet. Josh inquires if she is looking for a way to exercise her time. She tells Josh to stay away from her muff-in.

They both have needs, but Liv doesn’t know what to do with them. Uh, you want my whole list, or just the top ten? Josh says you have to come up with a way to expend the energy. Volunteer, help people, that’s what he does. Olivia has an idea. Helping is good. She leaves and takes her muff-in with her. What, GL, no pet beaver?

Natalia is abandoned by her entire cookie committee. Olivia walks in. She says she loves baking cookies with Nat. Liv grabs the bag of semi-sweets and pops one in Nat’s mouth. Chocolate is a substitute for sex, right? Emma wants to make chocolate chip next, but they can’t. Nat has eaten most of the morsels. I rest my case.

Last April, AfterEllen.com reported that The Closer cast Paola Turbay to play a recurring lesbian character and antagonist to Chief Inspector Brenda Johnson (Kyra Sedgwick).

Growing weary of the continuing presence of Megan Fox turning up like a very beautiful, but bad penny, I approached AfterEllen.com for the chance to recap this new material. The only problem before now was that The Closer requires a bilingual blogger. Luckily, I grew up in the Junior League of Atlanta, and I speak Brenda Leigh — colloquialisms and all.

Brenda is now married to FBI special agent Fritz Howard. I have to wonder if having two spouses doesn’t in some way make Brenda Leigh feel an illegal kinship to those women of the fundamentalist LDS, but without Big Love hair. Wonder which husband will get the most attention, Fritzy, or work?

Wind chimes ring in a quiet neighborhood; an ice cream truck traverses the street. It’s a false peace as a 911 call is made by a frantic neighbor. Four dead.

I must preface this blog with an admission: This week's recap could just as easily be last week's recap with Doris and a Sunday school lesson thrown in. I am not so naive about this genre that I don't realize the normal pace is just a knot faster than continental drift. Add in the logistics that Jessica Leccia (Natalia) is now 19 months pregnant, and you have, Slow-talia.

I find myself focusing more on such things as Doris is now wearing her summer compliment of two jackets, Olivia appears to grow and shrink from scene to scene with the length of her jeans, and when Nat tells Rafe she has food in the car, all I can think of is yeah, and you have a watermelon under your coat.

While Father Ray is spreading the ministerial manure in the mini-mart, I can't keep my eyes off of the strategically placed Charmin. And where does GL get their background music? I know they have a Telemundo budget, but this week it began more like Bollywood. Anyway, as Otalia has to realize this week that you can't always get what you want, the same can be said for my recaps; if you try, sometimes you get what you read.

Here we go.