Somebody up there hates Gillian Anderson. Maybe it's the aliens. Maybe it's the men in black. Maybe it's legions of fangirls and boys who can't believe their skeptical goddess of geekery is now cavorting with the tea and crumpets crowd over at Masterpiece Theatre. Regardless the source, there can be no other explanation for the Photoshop of horrors that is her face on the cover of the new TV Guide magazine.

My eyes! My eyes! Great googley-moogley, what the hell happened to her face? Who is that? Because that is certainly not Gillian or even Dana Scully. Has she been abducted by the aliens? Is this a not-so-cryptic hint as to the heretofore cryptic plot for their new film X-Files: I Want to Believe? Should I have put a spoiler warning at the top of this post?

What makes the TV Guide's Photoshopped atrocity even more perplexing is that Gillian seems to be the sole target of their digital wrath. David Duchovny looks OK — a little unnaturally smooth and strangely putty-colored, but otherwise fairly Mulderesque. But Gillian is barely recognizable. If she wasn't standing next to David it might even take me a few guesses. This, folk, is what happens when overzealous photo editors try to hide all signs of aging. They strip the humanity and, as a result, beauty of of a face. It ain't pretty.

Helena Bonham Carter is an unquestionably talented actress. No one has mastered the Victorian/Gothic/romantic/possibly-deranged vibe better than her. But there are still some movies I could never, ever imagine her in. And near the top of that list has to be any of the Terminator films. Does this woman look like a robot to you?

News came earlier this week that Helena is in talks to appear in the fourth installment of the machines vs. humans apocalyptic action series, Terminator Salvation. The restarted franchise will star Christian Bale (yes, Batman) as a grown-up John Connor as he leads the human rebellion against the cyborgs post nuclear holocaust. The Hollywood Reporter says Helena's role would be “small but pivotal” while the Los Angeles Times reports that she could be the “lead villain.” Bryce Dallas Howard will play John's wife, Kate. The project is beings directed by McG, the same one-named-wonder behind the Charlie's Angels films and many a music video. I expect many things to go boom.

Now, we all know Helena can play bad. Her extraordinarily twisted Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange first surfaced in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and will appear again to scare the bejesus out of small children and unsuspecting wizards in subsequent films.

What could make a film about women's roller derby that stars Ellen Page and is directed by Drew Barrymore even cooler? Think hard. I'll give you a second.

OK, time's up. Have you guessed? The answer is, of course, a really cool supporting cast of actresses. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Ellen and Drew will be joined in their upcoming film Whip It! by Juliette Lewis, Kristen Wiig, Marcia Gay Harden and Zoe Bell.

The film follows Ellen's character, Bliss Cavendar, a small-town Texas girl who runs away from her ex-pageant queen mom played by Marcia. While her mother wants her to follow in her tiara-wearing ways, Bliss would rather strap on some skates. So instead she joins a roller derby league in Austin.

I love shiny electronic gadgets. Mobile phones. Laptops. MP3 players. Garage door openers. You name it, I love it. I do not, however, love all the advertising for said shiny electronic gadgets. In fact, some of it I hate. In particular, I hate the ad for the new LG Secret.

First of all, they named their phone “Secret” which seems counterintuitive if they want people to actually know about and buy their product. But that’s a mere quibble compared to what’s really wrong with the LG Secret. Take a look at its European viral ad campaign and tell me if you can spot the problem.

Who, exactly, are they marketing this phone to? Stalkers? Potential rapists? The creepy guy who lives upstairs? Now I know why they named it Secret.

I think, a few hold outs aside, we can all agree that Charlize Theron is a very attractive woman. Just in case you’re one of those “I need empirical evidence”-people, I give you exhibit A.:

She is also an intelligent, talented and successful woman. (Um, hello, Oscar.) That said, you’d think any movie studio would be happy to have her in their film – thrilled even. In fact, the very sight of her is probably enough to make any marketing department erupt with screams of glee. So then why is she all but missing for the marketing for her new misanthropic superhero film Hancock?

She’s not on the poster. She’s barely in the official trailer. She’s only in a couple of the TV spots – and even then just for split seconds.

Have you ever walked out of a movie and thought, “Damn, I can sum that whole thing up in three lines or less”? Well, so did those clever bookish types at McSwenney’s. They recently summed up famous films in three lines of dialogue or less. The results for classics like Citizen Kane, The Philadelphia Story and The Godfather was inspired. That, of course, got me thinking about all the terrible great lesbian films out there.

So, without further ado, here is a sampling of lesbian movies in three lines or less:

Lost and Delirious

Paulie: But I love you.
Tori: But I can’t be gay.
Paulie: Why do I suddenly feel like singing “I Believe I Can Fly?”

But I’m a Cheerleader

Megan: 2-4-6-8! Being straight is really great!
Graham: Gimme a G! Gimme an A! Gimme a Y! What’s that spell? Gay! Gay! Gay!
Megan: I like your cheer better. Let’s make out.

Talking posters? That’s just crazy talk! What’s next? Moving pictures in a flickering box? An interconnected network that instantly shares data around the world at the click of a button? Oh, wait, those things already exist? Fine, then maybe the talking poster for the new comic book turned motion picture The Spirit isn’t that weird after all.

[Click here for the talking poster, but hurry back so we can talk about it!]

Roll your mouse over each character (Eva Mendes as Sand Saref, Scarlett Johansson as Silken Floss, Jaime King as Lorelei and out actress Sarah Paulson as Ellen Dolan) and you will hear her signature line. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been using it like a mix machine and making my own talking poster mash-up. It’s kind of fun. Or perhaps I’m just a geek who is too easily amused.

Also amusing, or should I say arresting, is the film’s teaser trailer:

The film is an adaptation of the 40s noir newspaper comic by the same name from writer/artist Will Eisner. In the comic, a young detective is killed only to return as a crime-fighting, mask-wearing vigilante. Gabriel Macht (Because I Said So) plays The Spirit in the film by Frank Miller (writer/director of Sin City and creator of 300). Miller’s last stint behind the camera was the visually stunning but narrative-leaden Sin City. Miller uses that film’s striking graphic novel style again in The Spirit.

I’m not usually wowed by movie trailers. To be honest, most of them are pretty uninspired. They give a little (and often too much) of the plot away, throw in some punches and/or punchlines and are soon forgotten. But, while procrastinating working the other day, I stumbled upon something very curious. It was, in fact, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

The new fable of a film stars Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. It is based on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s short story by the same name about a man who ages backwards. Fascinating idea, fascinating trailer. But, as always, don’t take my word for it. [See the trailer in hi-def here.]

First of all, doesn’t that seem remarkably like a Tim Burton movie? But the movie is actually helmed by David Fincher, the man behind Se7en, Fight Club, Panic Room and Zodiac. Burton-esque overtones (and score) aside, Fincher has a real style of his own and he has chosen films that expose the dark underbelly of humankind’s propensity for violence. While we see a few graphic images of World War I in the trailer, the violence Fincher seems to be exploring in Benjamin Button is more of the emotional kind. Said Fincher of the project:

“It’s dark, it’s romantic, and it also deals with mortality in a pretty unflattering way. The guy is born in 1919 - with the film itself beginning in World War I, traveling around the world and carrying on all the way through to the year 2000.”

It’s been a good week to be gay. It’s been a particularly good week to be gay and in California. Looking through all the pictures of happy couples getting their gay marriage on this week has been an absolute joy. No, I’m not crying. That’s something in my eye. Really, I’m not crying. Fine, who has some tissue?

All these nuptials naturally got me thinking about wedding traditions and, more specifically, the first dance. As luck would have it, Yahoo Music just posted a list of the “Top First-Dance Songs” according to a new survey. The results can only appropriately be called schmaltztastic. I mean it, “On Bended Knee” by Boyz II Men, “I Swear” by All-4-One and Aladdin’s theme?

Really, straight people? Really?

Of course I agree with some of them. You can’t go wrong with the classics: Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong. Uh-uh-uh, not so fast Celine Dion. But I think we can still do better – much, much better. How about we make our own list? Some of the picks I share with our chapel-bound straight friends. But the rest, well, they’re just another reason it’s good to be gay.

The Top 10 Totally Gay First-Dance Songs (click each to play):

1) “At Last,” Etta James

At last, indeed. Wrap your heart up in clover, lovebirds.

2) “All You Need is Love,” The Beatles

It’s all you need, it’s all that matters.

3) “I’m Coming Out,” Diana Ross

Hey, who says a first dance can’t be disco?

Gabrielle Union seems like a very talented, promising, affable young actress. So this, well – this is just wrong.

Yes, that is Gabrielle sticking out of an enormous, 15-foot replica of Eddie Murphy’s head to promote their upcoming film Meet Dave. At some point during the day, she had to look at her situation and have a horrifying David Byrne-like epiphany: “How did I get here? My God! What have I done?!”

Meet Dave is about a bunch of quarter-inch tall aliens who navigate “Dave,” their giant Eddie-shaped spacecraft, through the streets of New York City. Gabrielle plays one of the little people. Further exacerbating her humiliation is the fact that in an Entertainment Tonight interview, the correspondent called her a “booger” because of a scene where she comes out of Eddie’s nose. Yeah, that’s her on the right.

Here is the thing: I never realized that yogurt was so girlie. All this time I was just living my life, buying groceries, eating yogurt and never noticing that this was simply not something that men did. No, yogurt is strictly a woman thing – like an “I am woman, hear me roar” thing. At least, that’s what the yogurt companies keep telling me.

I like yogurt, in general. I mean I don’t eat it every day and I’m terrified by the yogurt that, in the immortal words of Tina Fey, “helps you poop.” But it took the perceptive eye of Current TV’s Sarah Haskins to open my eyes to the fact that yogurt really is all about the ladies.

First, that video is genius. Sarah is my newest funny lady crush. Raise your hand if you have a friend who belongs to the gray-hoodie, “I have a masters degree but then got married” club. Also, bonus points for the Leisha Hailey product placement. I don’t care if Leisha is selling me faux empowerment with fruit on the bottom, she’s still adorable in those spots. Though, really, who serves yogurt at a wedding?

The protest song is dead. Long live the protest song! While the days of folkies in overalls riding the rails and singing about union jobs may be long gone, a new crop of protest songs has emerged in the last few years that hint that the synergy of music and politics may not be gone for good. One of the most recent, high-profile entrants into the political arena is Sheryl Crow.

Lest you think that all Sheryl wants to do is have some fun, her new album Detours is a potent mash-up of the political and personal. Her latest video is for her joyous yet pointed “Out of Our Heads.” It is unquestionably one of the most upbeat protest songs I’ve heard since Edwin Starr’s funkalicious “War.” The video features politicians, celebrities and everyday folks flashing the peace sign. You’ll want to flash your own peace sign, not to mention tap your toe, throughout. I particularly like how the image of President Bush is followed by the lyrics “you have blood upon your hands.” Subtle — no. Accurate — yes.

Of course, Sheryl isn’t the only artist of late to meld politics with her art. Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, The Beastie Boys, John Mellencamp and, heck, even Eminem have protested our current political climate in song since the Iraq War started.

You know when you learn something about a celebrity you like that you wish you hadn’t? Like, I don’t know, they kick their dog or they call their children pigs or they vote Republican? Well, this is not one of those times. This is one of those times when you learn something about a celebrity you like that you wish you knew earlier. Like when I read this week in the Los Angeles Times about Battlestar Galactica stars Tricia Helfer and Katee Sackhoff’s love for motorcycles.

They report also includes a video of Tricia and Katee riding and talking about motorcycles. But, um, no one here would be interested in seeing the Battlestar babes decked out in tank tops and leather jackets while riding motorcycles, would you?

Wow, I’m not even that into motorcycles and that made me want to buy a Harley and unleash my inner Easy Rider. The report discussed the lack of female riders, a problem we’ve noted here before, both in real-life and the screen.

Sixteen chefs entered, three remain. The season finale of Top Chef: Chicago airs tonight with lesbian chef Lisa Fernandes among the three finalists left to battle for the title. New Yorker Lisa, Chicagoan Stephanie Izard and Atlantan Richard Blais will now cook their “meals of a lifetime” to impress the judges in the culmination of the fourth season of the Bravo reality series.

The season started with three lesbian chefs, the most in the show’s history. The finale will also break ground with the most-ever female chefs competing for the top prize. The finale of the two-part season ender set in Puerto Rico has the contestants prepare their ultimate meal for the judges – host Padma Lakshmi, head judge Tom Colicchio and Food & Wine special projects manager Gail Simmons and former Queer Eye food guru Ted Allen. Something tells me they all know their salad fork from their dessert fork.

While they both came out of the same pop cauldron of the early '80s, Cyndi Lauper and Madonna are rarely compared to one another musically. Well, that is, until now. Just in time for pride month (not to mention her second annual True Colors Tour), Cyndi has released her own confessions on the dancefloor. Her new CD, Bring Ya to the Brink, is a pure dance confection. Its 12 pulsing tracks will give Madge and her Hard Candy a run for disco domination.

The video for the single, “Into the Nightlife,” was also just released. Crowded dance floors, same-sex canoodling and the fabulous Cyndi Lauper? What’s not to like?

And lest you think Cyndi’s new danceable delights are all sound and fury, signifying nothing – take heart. This girl may just want to have fun, but she’s not mindless fun. Cyndi told Entertainment Weekly the inspiration for the “Into the Nightlife” was Henry Miller’s book by the same name that also inspired Lawrence Ferlinghetti's A Coney Island of the Mind. That, in turn, inspired Cyndi to describe NYC’s nightlife in the song.