Dorothy Snarker's blog

Oh what a tangled web we weave when you hire a prostitute to seduce our husband and then get seduced by said prostitute instead — I think. The first U.S. trailer for Chloe has been released and if there was any doubt that Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried share something more than a business transaction, this should effectively squash it.

While the international trailer showed more skin, the American trailer gives us a better sense of the story with its twists, turns and lovers scorned.

Remember way back in July when we learned the original Misery Chick was finally, finally coming to DVD in 2010? Well, stop standing on my neck in anticipation, because the long-awaited Daria DVD now has a slightly more specific release date: Spring 2010. UPDATE: The official release date of May 11, 2010 was announced today! (Hat tip, Megan!)

Still too vague, but at least not winter 2010, am I right? The MTV animated-series ran from 1997-2002 and followed the sick, sad world of green-blazered, bespectacled teenage misanthrope Daria Morgendorffer and her best friend Jane Lane. MTV has released a teaser trailer to remind us all why Daria will forever be the queen of the dead pan.

Apparently, men don’t like their wives. Or their girlfriends. Or even possibly their children. At least, that’s what I learned last night while watching the Super Bowl — or, as it was called in my house, the Misogyny Bowl.

Considered advertising’s biggest night, the event is seen as a showcase for the newest and most creative new marketing campaigns. Instead it was a barrage of ads that made men feel like less than men for doing things like getting married, listening to their wives and shopping with their girlfriends. Gosh, and just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Think I’m just being an overly sensitive, feminist, bleeding-heart, queer liberal? Well, yes, I am. But I’m not exaggerating on the unmistakably women unfriendly tone of last night’s ads. Take this Dodge Charger commercial. Apparently, big dumb cars are now men’s reward for caring about their partners’ opinions and acting like a grown up.

Who says the gays don’t like football? In America, the biggest sports event of the year is upon us. That’s right — it’s Super Bowl weekend. While men in tight pants hitting each other has its own appeal (especially for our brothers over at AfterElton.com), we think the game could benefit from, well, lesbians. So, without further ado, we bring you the inaugural AfterEllen.com Lesbo Bowl.

What’s a Lesbo Bowl, you ask? Well, it’s only the most lesbian (and bisexual, inclusiveness rocks) football game of all time. We pit our favorite TV lesbians against each other for a hard-nosed gridiron smackdown. Two teams enter, one team leaves the champion of the lesbians. So without further ado I (with major assists from Heather Hogan on graphics and TheLinster on snark) bring you the Lesbo Bowl. Now the only question remains: Are you ready for some football?

Team AlphaBettes

Bette Porter (Captain), Tina Kennard, Shane McCutcheon, Angela Montenegro, Xena, Gabrielle, Lover Cindi, Kennedy, Ellen Morgan, Tasha Williams, Alice Pieszecki

It’s Mrs. Nice vs. Mr. Nasty. It’s the forces of good vs. the forces of evil. It’s a really good haircut vs. a really terrible one. (Seriously, why is Simon’s head square?) Fox has released the first clip of Ellen DeGeneres in action with her fellow American Idol judges Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi and host Ryan Seacrest.

Ellen does nothing to dispel her reputation as “The Nice One” in the short preview, as contestants gush about her and she gushes back.

After a slew of guest judges who sat in to varying degrees of success (More Kristin Chenoweth! Less Avril Lavigne!), it will be nice to have a stable and completely sane judge at the table for a change. Plus, it’ll be nice to have someone finally represent for the lesbians. (No offense, Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken — we love at least one of you.)

Who wants to play cowboys with Olivia Wilde? What with all the riding and roping and wearing leather chaps and — oh, sorry, I got a little distracted. Olivia is in talks to star in the upcoming action flick Cowboys & Aliens.

No, you did not read that wrong. Aliens. Little green men. Space invaders. Definitely not Tonto. The House star would appear opposite Mr. James Bond himself, Daniel Craig, in the film being helmed by Iron Man director Jon Favreau.

I know what you’re thinking right about now: But, but, there’ll still be leather chaps, right? You bet your sweet bippy. The film is an adaptation of the graphic novel by the same name.

Fans of gay penguins, pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food unite! Parks and Recreation has been renewed for a third season. Is it too early to start the Leslie Knope for President in 2012 campaign?

The sophomore sitcom on NBC has bounced back this season to become, at least in my book, the most-improved series on TV. Amy Poehler grows more endearing and hilarious each episode. Those turned off by the too-similar format to The Office and general unfunniness last season should give the show a second chance.

Look, I took some convincing myself — but it was our very own Heather Hogan who ultimately got me hooked on the show. And while I can’t agree with her assertion that the show is better than my beloved 30 Rock (them’s fighting words, Hogan!), I will say coupling the two shows via the magic of my DVR is my favorite hour of TV each week.

So, Dollhouse and Ugly Betty aren’t coming back. Both shows have been canceled and soon their respective casts will be just a bunch of unemployed actors. But before they start making those “Will Emote for Food” signs, how about we help them land their next gigs.

While I’m certain the talented casts of both shows will find gainful employment in no time, it can’t hurt to make a few suggestions. Short of each landing their own new series, many of these fine thespians would make a welcome addition to existing shows. Let’s recast a few.

America Ferrera on 30 Rock

America’s delightful comedy skills, not to mention her experience working in a crazy office, would make her a perfect match to join Liz Lemon. Maybe she could be a new NBC junior executive. Or a writer for The Girlie Show. Or just a new friend for Liz. I can already see them singing “Night Cheese” together.

The Oscars nominations were announced this morning minting a whole new class of actors who will forever have the words “Academy Award Nominee” in front of their names in movie trailers. Even if that movie turns out to be Snow Dogs. The 82nd Academy Award nominations offered up a few surprises and a classic David v. Goliath storyline.

In this case, the Goliath is box office record behemoth Avatar and the David is scrappy Iraq War drama The Hurt Locker. The two films lead the way with nine nominations each. And they also set up what is being called the battle of the exes as former husband and wife Avatar director James Cameron and The Hurt Locker director Kathryn Bigelow go head to head for best director. Kathryn, meanwhile, becomes only the fourth woman ever to earn a best director nomination. No woman has won the honor — yet.

Best Picture

Avatar
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire
A Serious Man
Up
Up in the Air

In the acting categories, it was experience versus the ingénues. Only three of the 10 women honored had been nominated before (Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Penelope Cruz). For the men, half had received nods previously. A full look at the acting nominations:

So this is it, really it. The Dollhouse finale airs tonight and we find out if the world ends in fire, ice or a bunch of mind-erased marauders wielding baseball bats. The better apocalypse through technology that Joss Whedon built has been breathtaking to watch.

What started as a show about high-tech human trafficking (or, to be blunt, prostitution) has evolved into a morality fable about nothing less than the end of civilization as we know it. While it’s disappointing that Fox canceled the series after only two seasons, we’ve been rewarded with complex, riveting and mind-blowing television this second half of the season. I, for one, feel lucky to have been on the ride, no matter how long it lasts.

While we’ll never know what the show might have become had it been given more time to grow and develop, what is clear is that Joss had a magnificent, ambitious vision for this show. It’s too bad it took a death sentence like cancelation for the show to finally reach its potential.

And so it was written on the 27th day of the 2,000th year plus half a score that he of the black mock turtleneck has solved all of our problems (womanly and otherwise) with one simple device. Behold and cower before the awesome data absorbency of the iPad.

Yesterday’s big announcement of the newest Apple device, heretofore known as the iPad, was met with oohs, ahhs and a considerable number of WTFs from women in particular. Um, did Steve Jobs really mean to name his revolutionary new digital tablet after something that makes ladies everywhere think of their most miserable time of the month? Was there no woman sitting in on the naming committee who could tap him on the shoulder and say, “Stevie, no. Really, no.”

Hell, all the geniuses at Apple had to do was check the Mad TV archives to know they were headed into feminine troubles with the name iPad.

The all too short-lived Pushing Daisies was like watching a cartoon — all bright colors and fantastical situations. But now, the series will get animated for real. Series creator Bryan Fuller is moving ahead with the rumored comic book version of the show.

Former Pushing Daisies actor Chi McBride told Sci Fi Wire that he has read some of Fuller's script for the comic. The series would be released as a 12-issue miniseries by DC on its Wildstorm imprint. McBride, who played the knitting detective Emerson Cod, said the pages her have seen are “off the hook. It’s really good.”

Now, this isn’t the first time Pushing Daisies found itself on ink and paper. A special comic was printed for the 2007 San Diego Comic-Con (see above). But now the series would follow in the successful footsteps of Buffy the Vampire Slayer by continuing its story outside of TV. Fuller has said previously that a comic would tie up loose ends caused by the show’s premature cancellation.

Is it April yet? More news leaks every week, almost every day, about the awesome new developments coming to Glee once it returns to the airwaves this spring. The latest tidbits? Jane Lynch is vogueing and Idina Menzel is snogging with Mr. Shu.

As we first reported last week, the newly engaged Ms. Lynch plans to wed her girlfriend Lara Embry in May. The couple made their public debut at the Golden Globes and were together again at last weekend’s Screen Actors Guild Awards. Luckily Jane will have plenty of choreography to choose from for their first dance. The actress will sing and shoot a video to “Vogue” for the upcoming all-Madonna Glee episode.

First we learn Sue Sylvester will sing “Physical” with Oliva Newton-John and now this? It’s almost too much good stuff, almost. But wait – just like in those late-night infomercial –there’s more!

Feeling a little down today? Kind of blue? Well, don’t blame yourself. Instead, blame science. Yes, science. You see today is scientifically proven to be the most depressing day of the year. There’s a formula and everything. They call it Blue Monday, I call it a challenge. Sure, it’s gray and cold and the holidays are 340 days away, we can still find plenty of reasons to be cheery today. Like, for starters, how about this?

Yeah, that’s the new official poster for The Runaways. And, in case the moisture dripping off a glistening cherry was too subtle an imagery for you, I think what it’s trying to say is, “SEX!” The film about the seminal all-girl rock band starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning debuted yesterday at the Sundance Film Festival to largely positive reviews, particularly for its two stars.

Still need more cheering up? If find that imagining I’m this SAG Award being held by Christina Hendricks in this picture does wonders for my mood. But then, I have a very active imagination.

You didn’t think I’d miss a chance to look at pretty women in pretty dressed, did you? The 16th annual Screen Actors Guild Awards were held Saturday night and the stars from TV and film gathered once again in all their finery to — oh, why am I still talking? Look, pretty.

Now, besides looking pretty Diane Kruger and the cast of Inglourious Basterds also left the SAG Awards winners for best cast performance — the show’s equivalent of best picture. Though no amount of awards will stop the film’s atrocious title spelling from making my eye twitch.

The awards honor the year’s best performances as voted on by the actors themselves. Mad Men and Glee won for best TV ensemble drama and comedy, respectively. Jane Lynch, in yet another lovely gown, gave the acceptance speech for the Gleeks. Meanwhile, I scanned the audience for a glimpse of her fiancé Lara Embry (she was there, but no on-camera kiss this time — bummer.)

Big stars will come together to help an even bigger cause tonight. The “Hope for Haiti Now: A Global Benefit for Earthquake Relief” telethon that will air at 8 p.m. ET/PT on 30 networks worldwide including all the major American broadcast networks. (We'll also be streaming it here on the AfterEllen.com blog.)

The two-hour telethon will raise funds to help the people of Haiti who were devastated by the earthquake last week. Superstar George Clooney has brought together more than 100 stars to be part of the show from the worlds of movies, TV, music, sports, politics and more including Bill Clinton, Madonna, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali and Anderson Cooper.

Other actors taking part include like Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, Tom Hanks, Clint Eastwood, Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Will Smith, Jon Stewart, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman, Robert Pattinson, Samuel L. Jackson, Ben Stiller and Chris Rock.

While some might have considered Jenny Schecter a ruthless bloodsucker, Mia Kirshner now has a chance to act with actual vampires. The former The L Word actress makes her debut on The Vampire Diaries at 8 p.m. tonight on the CW as the show returns from its winter break.

Mia will play Isobel, "the sweet-yet-dangerous wife of Matt Davis’ history teacher, Alaric." Sweet yet dangerous? Heck, Mia can do that in her sleep. That’s like just the first two seasons of The L Word when Jenny went from sweet Midwestern writing student to crazed self-mutilating circus freak. The first promo featuring Mia in her recurring role looking more sweet than dangerous, for now.

Mia is among a slew of guest stars coming to the freshman series. Tonight also marks the appearance of Firefly alum Gina Torres. Gina plays Bree, a former lover of Damon’s (Ian Somerhalder) who he visits for help. Every role should require Gina wear a tank top.

Grey’s Anatomy just got gayer. Out actress Sarah Paulson has signed on to appear in an upcoming episode as the younger version of Ellis Grey, Meredith’s mother. Joining her will be Angel alum J. August Richards as the young Dr. Richard Webber.

According to Entertainment Weekly, the episode titled “Time Warp” will include flashbacks to 1982 to show the beginnings of years-long affair between Ellis and Richard. The episode will feature flashbacks to younger Bailey (Chandra Wilson) in her “pre-‘Nazi’ days” and Callie (Sara Ramirez) pre-Seattle Grace days. That would also be Callie pre-gay days. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Get up on this! Salt-N-Pepa is coming to The Dinah and they’re in effect. The Grammy-winning hip hop duo will headline the lesbian equivalent of spring break known as the Dinah Shore Weekend which runs March 31 to April 4 in Palm Springs.

Now wait a minute, y’all. I know what you’re thinking: This dance ain’t for everybody. Only the sexy people. True, but if you’re at The Dinah that includes you. At least, that’s what the flyer says. Cheryl “Salt” James and Sandra “Pepa” Denton will perform (minus Spinderella) along with Jack Daniels toothpaste lover Ke$ha of Billboard No. 1 “Tik Tok” fame. The Paradiso Girls and Lolene are also on the bill. So, like I was saying, only the sexy people.

Last year, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and the Indigo Girls headlined the lesbian bacchanalia sponsored by Club Skirts. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the event and Salt-n-Pepa will be one of the biggest hip-hop acts to perform in its history.

Blame it on the rain, or the lack of Mariah-levels of over-imbibing, but the Golden Globes were a relatively subdued — dare I say classy — affair Sunday night. The soggy weather coupled with serious world events made for far fewer wacky Globes moments (à la Christine Lahti and the world’s worst timed bathroom). Still the stars managed to shine and some were downright Glee-ful.

Several celebrities wore ribbons in support of Haiti. Others — including Olivia Wilde, Meryl Streep and Amy Poehler — are auctioning off their Golden Globes dresses to raise money for earthquake relief efforts. Sadly, Olivia does not come with her dress.

The evening’s first big winner set the emotional tone for the night. Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture winner Mo’Nique have a heartfelt speech that touched her film Precious’ themes of abuse and redemption. “I celebrate this award with every person that’s ever been touched,” she said. “It’s now time to tell. And it’s okay.”

First, Rue McClanahan is doing fine. Second, The Golden Girls star had a minor stroke last year. I start with the good news because of the passing in the last two consecutive years of her co-stars Estelle Getty and Bea Arthur, we’re justifiably worried about the remaining members of the fabulous foursome.

Rue played the famously sassy senior sexpot Blanche Devereaux on the series fro seven seasons. Her representatives revealed that the 75-year-old actress suffered a minor stroke while recovering from triple bypass surgery on Nov. 4. She is still in the hospital recovering from her stroke.

Her representative told Entertainment Tonight:

She’s doing amazingly well. She’s walking and talking and entertaining the staff with her feisty personality. She’s rehabbing and is expected home in about two weeks.

Twitter often gets maligned as a fancy way to tell the world what you had for lunch. But this week, social media got to show its true power, not to mention heart, as people flocked to Twitter and Facebook to learn how to help those affected by the devastating earthquake in Haiti. More than 100,000 souls feared lost, more than 3 million in desperate need of help. Right there, helping to spread the word, have been celebrities who have used their 140 characters to rally for aid.

House actress Olivia Wilde, who was just in the now-leveled capitol city of Port-au-Prince three weeks ago, started sending out pleas Tuesday afternoon right after the quake struck. Her Twitter feed is dedicated to quake relief and raising funds for the charity Artists for Peace and Justice, where she sits on the advisory board.

Olivia has even offered to record a personalized thank you video for everyone who donates $200 or more to the charity. Olivia thanking you personally and helping millions of people in desperate need of aid? That is the very definition of win-win.

While the boys over at NBC continue to war in what I like to call Jayocalypse 2: Sometimes They Come Back, the late night fiasco has highlighted an even larger and insidious problem. There continue to be no women on primetime late night. Sure, Chelsea Handler does her thing on E! And Wanda Sykes gets her groove on Saturdays on Fox. But on the major networks it’s just dudes as far as the eye can see: Conan, Jay, Dave, Jimmy, Craig, that other Jimmy and Carson.

So until this all shakes out and NBC announces its new plan to air Jay Leno at 10:00, 11:35, 12:35 and 1:35 daily, why don’t we help the network brass to really think outside of the box. There are countless talented, hilarious and highly-capable women who could host The Tonight Show, or any other late night program for that matter. Here are just a few.

Ellen DeGeneres: Ellen is already making the switch from daytime to primetime with her judging gig on American Idol. In fact, with her charm and winsomeness, she might even out Johnny Carson Johnny Carson.

Glee is coming back for a second season and you could be on it. That’s right, Fox announced yesterday that it renewed the freshman hit for its sophomore year. The early vote of confidence also came with news of a nationwide casting call for three new roles next season. That’s right, you could be an official Gleek.

That the show, which has been a breakout hit and pop culture phenomenon since it debut in May, was picked back up is no surprise. But fans will probably be most excited about the audition news. Much like how it found its current cast, the producers are auditioning unknowns, newcomers and professionals to find new talent.

The nationwide casting call beings in February to fill three new roles. Auditions are open to amateurs and professional between the ages of 16 and 26. All hopefuls can submit their auditions online. Check www.fox.com/glee soon for full details and updates.

If you think the combination of the words “covert,” “affairs” and “Piper Perabo” sounds titillating, you’re in luck. The pilot for the actress’ CIA series Covert Affairs has been picked up for an 11 episode order by USA. You know what that means? Piper in a suit on our TVs. Hallelujah.

Piper will play Annie Walker (Perabo), a multilingual CIA trainee unexpectedly plucked from obscurity to be a field operative. But she realizes the CIA may have promoted her less for her great linguistic skills and more for her mysterious ex-boyfriend, who is of particular interest to her agency bosses.

The cast includes the artist formerly known as Cutthroat Bitch on House Anne Dudek (as Annie’s sister), former Ugly Betty cutie Christopher Gorham (as a blind CIA intelligence officer), The O.C. dad Peter Gallagher (as the CIA Director of Clandestine Services ) and Invasion’s Kari Matchett (as his wife).