Best. Lesbian. Year. Ever. 2006

AUGUST

IF THE GLASS SLIPPER FITS…
One week and 22,000 votes later, we have a winner in our lesbian movie poster contest: Cinderella, by Maureen O’Connell, with 36% of the votes. We all know Cinderella would have been much happier if she had fallen in love with Belle instead of that silly prince–and then she would have had someone besides singing mice to talk to after a long day in the castle. Congratulations, Maureen, and thanks to everyone who participated!

Coming in a close second in the contest was Whitney Slone’s The Break-Up, at 32%. But don’t get too excited–Jennifer Anniston’s publicist insists that, despite recent movie poster entries to the contrary, she is NOT engaged to Grey’s Anatomy‘s Katherine Heigl.

YOU FORGOT TO SAY “NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT”
This is so lame I don’t even know where to start. Singer Nelly Furtado, who only two weeks ago was making headlines for declaring herself and everyone else to be bisexual, is now backpedaling faster than Pat Robertson on global warming. “I guess I was humoring the journalist a little and I was reading a book about Chinese medicine, and we went off on a tangent,” an “embarrassed” Furtado told the Sydney Morning Herald this week, before confirming that she is straight, but “very open-minded”, and “appreciates her gay and bisexual fans”.

Gee, Nelly, reinforcing the whole bisexual-women-are-indecisive stereotype sure is a funny way of showing your appreciation. Next time, just send a card. And if you’re reading a book about marine animals before your next interview, make sure you don’t get carried away and accidentally tell the reporter you’re a dolphin.

AND BY “CHALLENGES”, SHE MEANS “HOW TO GET A DATE WHEN YOU’RE THE ONLY LESBIAN IN PINE VALLEY”
Eden RiegelGood news for lesbian soap fans: Eden Riegel, who played All My Children‘s lesbian sweetheart Bianca for over four years before she left the show in early 2005, has just signed a new contract to reprise her lesbian role beginning with the October 11th episode. In discussing the news with TV Guide this week, Eden wouldn’t divulge much about Bianca’s future storyline, or confirm whether she is still with Maggie (Elizabeth Hendrickson), but says, “It’s the kind of story I’m very excited about” because “Bianca has some challenges, heartache and new beginnings.”

On the other hand, Eden also says the baby-switch saga Bianca was stuck with before she left the show was “wonderful”, because “with all the controversy about gay parents and all that stuff, people were universally opposed to this lesbian heroine being apart from her child.” So clearly, Eden’s judgment is a little off. But she means well!

THEY’RE LIKE A LESBIAN ROSS AND RACHEL, IF RACHEL THREW PUBLIC TANTRUMS AND BIT PEOPLE
Bravo’s reality series Work Out aired its finale this week, and it was Lesbian Dysfunction on Parade, complete with biting and throwing of glassware, as Mimi berated Jackie in front of her staff for dating other people, while Jackie repeated the equivalent of “We were on a break!” Mimi has reportedly been posting on message boards recently about how unfairly she was represented by Bravo, but did they make her throw that glass?

In typical lesbian fashion, however, Jackie and Mimi reportedly reconciled after a 5-month break. Which means they’re back together just in time to start filming Work Out 2: Terror at the Sky Spa.

SEPTEMBER

A LESBIAN WALKS INTO A TALK SHOW…
Rosie on 'The View'In more lesbian talk-show news, Rosie O’Donnell made her big TV comeback on The View this week, joining Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck as the popular ABC talk show’s newest co-host. In her debut episode, Rosie talked about her marriage to Kelli, coming out (“I thought everyone knew”) and her now-infamous hair cut (“an error of epic proportions”). She talks even more candidly about the past few years in a new interview with Newsweek, which includes her amusing statement that “my Angelina Jolie crush was much more sexual than my Tom Cruise crush ever was.” (Gee, you think?)

Critics gave Rosie’s View debut mostly positive reviews, and viewers tuned in in droves: The View drew an audience of 4.2 million on her first day, a 55% increase over the same day last year. But will viewers keep coming back, especially since Rosie’s not shy about mentioning her sexual orientation on the show? 60% of People magazine readers say yes (see the poll at the bottom), but we’ll have to wait and see how it ultimately pans out.

Rosie is also appearing on the new season of Nip/Tuck, which bowed this week. She guest-stars on the October 3rd and 17th episodes as a housewife who gets liposuction, and dumps her husband after she wins $381 million in the lottery. And, of course, because this is Nip/Tuck, she sleeps with Christian (Julian McMahon). Now that sounds like an error of epic proportions…

BECAUSE EVERY GOOD MURDER MYSTERY NEEDS A LESBIAN BULGARIAN CHORUS LINE
The Black Dahlia, opening nationwide this weekend, is not a lesbian movie whatsoever, but it does feature bisexual characters played by Mia Kirshner and Hilary Swank, a performance by k.d. lang, and police staking out lesbian bars. Director Brian de Palma talked about this in a recent interview: “I said, “Why not have a Lesbian chorus line of these drop-dead beautiful girls making out with each other?” So I had this choreographer that worked for me, a French choreographer that worked with me on Femme Fatale and she actually had these Bulgarian dancers and a couple of ringers from Paris.” Ah yes, I had a ringer from Paris once. Good times, good times.

HOW DRUNK WAS THE SUN’S EDITOR WHEN SHE APROVED THAT HEADLINE?
Sophie BushIn an article titled “Spare My Bushes” (no, I’m not kidding), the UK tabloid The Sun reports that One Tree Hill star Sophia Bush has developed an ardent lesbian fan following because of her bisexual cheerleader role on Nip/Tuck, and bi-curious one in the new movie John Tucker Must Die (in which she kisses a female classmate).

“I’ve started getting interesting propositions from some female fans” the tabloid quotes Bush as saying. “(I get) some letters, the barista at a Starbucks I frequent has started asking me if I wouldn’t mind playing for the other team. I had to kindly say no, but she makes really great coffee so, I still go in every day! I’m not thinking about it, but I appreciate it greatly!”

In other words, we can bring her coffee, but not breakfast in bed.

In other I’m-not-gay-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that news, actress Scarlett Johanssen (also in The Black Dahlia) is also denying that she goes to our church. According to the rather unreliable tabloid site ContactMusic.com, Johanssen said, “I wasn’t really that bothered by the story about me and Benicio. It wasn’t true but it was just ridiculous. I was bothered about the story about me being a lesbian. I got my lawyers involved because it was untrue and it hurt my friend, who has nothing to do with this business. So it was important to me to stop that story.”

Hmmm, I’m not sure this interview helps her cause: I didn’t know there was a story about her being a lesbian before, but I do now!

Gabrielle UnionGabrielle Union, meanwhile, recently told Out magazine that she doesn’t mind the lesbian rumors about her, saying, “You haven’t really made it until you’ve got the gay rumors. I’ve tried, but it never seems to take.” Union also told Out that when family members questioned her about playing a lesbian in Running With Scissors (not that you can even tell she’s even in the movie from its ridiculously de-gayed trailer, but never mind), she replied, “You had no problem when I was in movies as a lap dancer or killing, like, 50 people. Why get riled up when I’m playing someone who happens to find love with another woman?” Then she dramatically ripped up their check, told them to “bring it!” and kicked their ass in a cheerleading competition. (Yes, I have been watching Bring it On again. But have you seen Eliza Dushku in that movie?)

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP DISTRACTION
Out contestant Megan did just fine on the premiere of the new season of America’s Next Top Model this week–which pulled in the show’s best ratings ever–but interestingly, her sexual orientation wasn’t mentioned on the show. In other words, if you didn’t read this column, you wouldn’t know she’s gay. This is either because the show’s producers: A) are planning to release this information on-air at a later date; B) don’t want to draw any more attention to the fact that Megan seems eerily similar to last season’s out lesbian contestant Kim; or C) don’t think Americans with their short attention spans can handle knowing two different defining characteristics of a contestant–i.e. since they’ve already positioned Megan as the contestant who was in a tragic plane crash, they don’t want to distract us with the information that’s she’s a lesbian, too.

Personally, I’m offended at this assumption. I can absolutely focus on two…hey, why is Anne Heche chasing a racoon with a wedding dress in its mouth? And why didn’t Cristina and Burke lock the door if they were going to have sex at work? I wish Sandra Oh’s character would come out as bi already…Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah: how cute is Lauren onThe Amazing Race?!

IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES A KIDNEY
Nip/Tuck‘s resident lesbian Liz (Roma Maffia) met a hot woman in a gay bar in this week’s episode. They laughed, they drank martinis, they went back to her place to do the horizontal mambo. It was all going so well–until Liz woke up the next morning missing an internal organ. Damn, don’t you just hate it when that happens?

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