Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (October 3, 2008)

I’LL TAKE ZACH FOR $1,000, ALEX
As we told you a few weeks ago, Eden Riegel will return to ABC’s All My Children on October 17 as the “beloved” Bianca Montgomery.

This time, she’s not just dropping in for a holiday or a wedding or to spout words of wisdom that turn a family tragedy into triumph. She’ll be around for a while and, in a few weeks, her girlfriend Reese (Tamara Braun) will join her.

Tamara Braun

AfterEllen.com reader Pyewacket tipped us off to the latest details about Bianca’s return. But first, allow me to raise my voice:

SPOILER ALERT!

If you want to be surprised, just move along. In fact, I’ll even give you something to do for the next few minutes. Hop over to Eden’s online show, Imaginary Bitches. In the latest episode, Eden’s character tries to figure out if she’s a lesbian.

Still here? OK. Bianca will return to All My Children around the time that a horrible tornado shakes the very foundations of Pine Valley! That’s an exclamation mark, people!

TV Guide reports that nobody knows she’s in town until her brother-in-law finds her under the rubble. But, quoting SOAPnet.com, “the physical affects [sic] of the tornado are miniscule compared to the ripples Bianca’s presence creates.” Bianca has been out as a lesbian for years and has been through a handful of relationships with women, so bringing her girlfriend home can’t be all that shocking. But if the startling storyline is the one reported by soapcentral.com, you might want to have a barf bag ready.

When Bianca returns to town this time, she will have a brand new ‘someone special’ in her life and a big surprise — Bianca is pregnant! And wait until everyone finds out who the “father” is.

Collective groan goes here.

I won’t bother raging about pregnant lesbians, since Sarah Warn wrote the definitive rant about the subject five years ago. I won’t even accuse heterosexual writers of perpetuating a stereotype, since queer television shows have done the same thing (I’m looking at you, Queer as Folk, The L Word and Exes & Ohs).

Instead, I will sigh and share some theories about Bianca’s pregnancy.

To catch up non-AMC-watchers: Binx’s daughter Miranda was the result of a rape and, eventually, Bianca killed the rapist, Michael Cambias, the little brother of Bianca’s sister Kendall’s husband, Zach Slater. Got that?

With that in mind, one theory is that Bianca wants a baby who is actually related to Miranda and will ask Zach to father her child. If she already is pregnant when she gets to PV, then Zach could’ve “donated” last time Bianca was in town. (In soap-opera time, it’s possible.) Either way, it makes for a nice, soap opera-ish scandal. Icky, but very AMC.

Another popular rumor is that Bianca’s former lover Zoe, the pre-op MTF transsexual, is the father.

That whole storyline made me tired — Bianca fell for a man and questioned her lesbianism, but the man transitioned to a woman. Oh! Still a lesbian! Exclamation mark!

While I applaud the inclusion of a transgender person in the show, did the lesbian have to fall for her? But I digress. One argument for this theory is that the soapcentral.com spoiler put “father” in quotes.

The “father” is really a “mother” trapped in a “father’s” body. Surprise! Yawn.

The final theory — one that combines the best of Bianca’s past storylines — is that her girlfriend Reese actually used to be a man, also named Reese. But before Reese accepted her sexuality, she had a breakdown, during which she raped and impregnated Bianca. Being the angel that she is, Bianca helped Reese uncover the cause of her rage and not only forgave her, but stayed by her side throughout her MTF transition. The pair fell in love in the process and will return to Pine Valley to escape the painful memories and start a new life and family.

OK, I made that one up. But seriously, is it any more ridiculous than the rest of Bianca’s life?

Here’s an idea: Have Bianca and Reese be in a loving, healthy long-term relationship. That storyline might just prove to be the most shocking of all.

— by the linster

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