Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (May 30, 2008)

 
 

KEEPING US DOWN ON THE RANCH
As Malinda mentioned in last week’s BLWE, Ellen DeGeneres recently invited Republican presidential candidate John McCain on her show and tried to engage him in a debate about gay marriage. It ended with a bit of a thud when McCain lamely referred to his anti-gay marriage position and Ellen’s pro-gay marriage stance as a form of "respectful disagreement." DeGeneres kept her cool and her wits about her and even invited McCain to walk her down the aisle when she weds partner Portia de Rossi.

Clearly having not had her fill of Republican hijinks, this week DeGeneres invited First Lady Laura Bush and her daughter, newlywed Jenna Hager, to her talk show to promote their new children’s book, Read All About It!

Inexplicably entering to the strains of "Lady Marmalade" ("Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir"? Really? Is the Bush family pro-prostitution but anti-gay marriage?), Bush and Hager greeted DeGeneres and sat down on her sofa. Daughter Jenna urged her reluctant mother to scoot closer to herself and DeGeneres, where she could better watch the two of them banter playfully about Jenna’s recent wedding.

Meanwhile, the stick-stiff Bush appeared to be doing her best "Church Lady" impersonation, even calling her family "crybabies" for getting choked up at daughter Jenna’s wedding.

When DeGeneres presented Hager with her wedding gift, a monogrammed set of his ‘n’ hers Ellen DeGeneres Show boy briefs, the First Lady appeared visibly squeamish. Cross-dressing in the White House? Not on her watch!

Hager spoke warmly of the Bush family ranch as an ideal wedding location, inspiring DeGeneres to ask, "So can we borrow it for our wedding?" Hager replied with a smile, "Sure. Sure you can," while Laura Bush said nothing.

How is it that Jenna was so pleasant and friendly with DeGeneres, while her mother looked ready to blow her lesbian rape whistle at any moment? Perhaps Jenna, unlike her mother, has made out with a few girls at frat parties and nightclubs? (Paging Samantha Ronson!)

Oh, and that book they were promoting? According to Laura Bush, it’s about "a little boy who can do everything and rules the school, but doesn’t like to read." She and Jenna claim the character is based on children they’ve both taught. No word on whether said "children" are actually blood relatives. Or the 43rd President of the United States of America, George W. Bush.

Before bidding them both adieu, DeGeneres mentioned McCain’s visit to her show last week and asked, "Is it safe to say that you’ll both be voting for McCain?" Jenna said she’s not going to say on "public television," adding, "As my dad says, that’s why there’s a curtain around the booth."

Of course, her dad also once said, "If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator," so …

by Karman Kregloe

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