Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (March 14, 2008)

SO THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO ALANTIS …
As you’ve no doubt seen on TV or online this week, state Rep. Sally Kern of Oklahoma (a Republican) was caught on tape saying some not very nice things about gay people during a speech to a Republican organization earlier this year.

Before you watch the video below, see if you can guess which one of these statements she did not make about us:

(a) We’re a bigger threat to America than terrorists.
(b) Improving early childhood education in America is our sneaky way of trying to indoctrinate 2-year-olds into the homosexual lifestyle.
(c)
We have the power to topple civilizations — and have! Lots of times!
(d)
The rise of the radical homosexual agenda is the reason no one has ever been able to determine how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

If you guessed (d), congratulations! You’re queer and smart! Yes, and you’re pretty, too. That outfit looks really good on you. It does, I swear! Geez!

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, gays are a cancer.

The Victory Fund posted the audio recording of her rant online, along with their own visual response.

My favorite line? "Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality lasted more than a few decades."

According to those same studies, societies that have partially embraced of homosexuality developed baby-soft skin and were less likely to contract gout, but Sally conveniently neglected to mention that.

On Wednesday, Ellen DeGeneres — the gay one— weighed in on the matter, telling the audience, "I think Sally’s been misinformed." She also called Sally’s office live on the show.

Since Sally is sticking by her comments, I hope Ellen isn’t waiting by the phone.

FUN WITH HEADLINES: THE CYNTHIA NIXON EDITION
Cynthia Nixon told reporters this week that she’s in a "fantastic relationship" with her partner Christine Marinoni, a relationship in which they "shop and cook and raise children — we both pitch in." (Quick! Someone call Sally Kern before their radical homosexual agenda sinks the entire island of Manhattan!)

Nixon went on to explain (no doubt in answer to some boneheaded question from a straight reporter): "I’m in love with [Christine] because she’s her. If she were a man, would I be in love with her? I don’t know."

When asked if her children had trouble adjusting to the news, Nixon said: "They were fine. My son was very little [when it happened], but my daughter has a gay uncle [and her godmothers] are lesbians."

Now let’s take a look at how the media is headlining this news:

Nixon thanks family for helping her come out (Contact Music)
Cynthia Nixon lauds gay role models (Denver Post)
I’m in love, says City star Cynthia (The Press Association)
Cynthia Nixon: "I’m In Love With Her!" (OK magazine)
Alec Baldwin gets Lyme Disease (CinamaBlend)

OK, so that last one wasn’t about Cynthia, but it came up when I Googled her name because she’s co-starring in Lymelife, an indie movie set in the ’70s that is described as a "coming-of-age story [that] follows two families who fall apart when precarious relationships, real estate problems and Lyme disease converge in the heart of suburbia."

Um, what?

You can’t find a movie with a decent lesbian character at your local theater, but a movie about Lyme disease is attracting A-list actors. Does that mean if I write a script about a lesbian with fleas, I can get Julia Roberts to star?

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