IF SUPERHEROES WERE LESBIANS, THE COSTUMES WOULD BE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE
“America’s Finest News Source,” The Onion, really out-gayed itself during Pride month by clearing out their archives and reposting every fake gay news story they’ve ever published.
“Where do homosexuals get all their energy?” a bewildered Onion reporter once asked. “I know what you’re saying: Brandon, you’re just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I’m saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight people look bad.”
Furthering the old “gays are superheroes” adage, the news site republished a 1998 article claiming "Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire."
Afterward he was taken to the hospital, where doctors described his condition as “stable but homosexual.”
In another Onion piece, the civil rights battle took a heated turn in the Washington, D.C., when gays in nation’s capital began demanding their right to library cards. And not just the license to borrow books — no, gays want full library card privileges. And that includes the microfiche machine!
Lastly, The Onion reported: “Wellesley College Removes Phrase ‘Hot All-Girl Action’ From School Brochure.”
Said Celia Holmes, “Henceforth, our college brochures will no longer tout the ’24-hour, non-stop lesbo party’ aspect of the Wellesley experience.”
Don’t be alarmed: It’s a farcical newspaper. Wellesley College will be turning out AfterEllen.com editors for years to come, bringing that 24-hour, non-stop lesbo party right to your laptop.
YOU CAN TELL SHE’S A LESBIAN PENGUIN BECAUSE SHE’S WEARING A TUX
To top off your Pride month experience, here are some of The Daily Show‘s best gay stories, which were re-featured on their vast online archive.
In one of Samantha Bee‘s most famous segments, “Birds of a Feather,” Bee goes to the Central Park Zoo for an interview about same-sex pairings between animals. “It’s very, very common in all zoos and in nature to see homosexual behavior,” the zoologist tells Bee. “Just because it happens in nature doesn’t make it natural!” Bee snaps. After a long pause the zoologist says, “Um, actually by definition I think it does.”
Another of Samantha Bee’s stories featured this month was her conversation with Florida State Representative candidate Ed Heeney, who interviews that his district is under attack by the gay community — an “alien army within.” When Heeney tells Bee that he can’t even get a decent pool table at a local bar because of all the gay women there, she just nods her head in solemn agreement. “Now you’ve got a bunch of lesbos lesboing around,” she says. “I mean, am I right?”
Heeney says he’s not homophobic, he’s homonausic. Bee closes the interview by saying that spending time with Ed Heeney is enough to make any woman heteronausic.
In his most recent story covering the legalization of gay marriage in California, Stewart said, “If any heartless, insulated, myopic grandstander feels that these unions should not take place, let him speak now … so that I may ridicule him.”
If public ridicule is the answer, I’m glad Jon Stewart and Samantha Bee are on our side.
Read more about “Jon Stewart’s Greatest Lesbian Moments” here.
— by Stuntdouble