Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (August 8, 2008)

This Sunday, the U.K.’s Channel 4 will begin airing a three-part documentary called Make Me a Christian. Among the show’s participants are a lap-dancing manager, a womanizer, a biking tattooist and a lesbian. (It’s practically a circus!)

The premise of the show is that all the volunteers will give up their normal lives and follow the teaching of the Bible for three weeks. They will be led by the Reverend George Hargreaves, who told the BBC that he hopes to rescue Britain from its severe moral decline. First stop on the Morality Express: York Minster Cathedral.

Says Channel 4: "The mentors then visit the volunteers in their own homes, to get a picture of their lives and to give them guidance. The lesbian is ordered to get rid of her explicit pictures and books."

The lesbian has it easy. The womanizer was ordered not to even look at a woman lustfully!

I trolled around some forums yesterday trying to gauge public reaction to the promos for Make Me a Christian. Most people — even conservative Christians — seemed skeptical, saying that modeling one’s life after Jesus has little to do with rules and regulations. One forum in particular had descended into complete chaos with the members tossing out ideas for an entire series of Make Me a [fill in the blank] programs. One forum poster wanted to see a show called Make me a Pop Star. Another wanted to participate in a show called Make Me a King.

I’ve been to York Minster, and I’ve worked through an entire lifetime’s worth of master’s degree theology classes, so I wouldn’t be interested in participating in Make Me a Christian. I would, however, happily appear as the token lesbian on a reality show called Make Me a Sandwich.

This week, the Los Angeles Times reported that Britney Spears was set to play a lesbian stripper/killer in Quentin Tarantino‘s forthcoming remake of the 1965 cult classic Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Go ahead, I’ll give you a minute to reread that sentence.

Word was that Britney would play the character of Varla, a role that would afford her the opportunity to [SPOILERS!] kill a man with her bare hands; bind, gag and kidnap his girlfriend; make out and talk dirty with her own girlfriend; literally stab a fellow go-go dancer in the back; and mow down a man in a wheelchair, before finally getting herself squashed by a pickup truck.

Before being pummeled, though, the character of Varla loses her girlfriend, Rosie, to knife wounds inflicted by a guy named The Vegetable.

A source told British newspaper the Telegraph: "Quentin is convinced Britney will be brilliant. She’s delighted. She thinks it could turn her career around. It is perfect Tarantino material. He wanted to get Britney first. She’s playing the most important character."

I’ve got to tell you: When I first heard this news, I was sore afraid. You spend your whole life fighting the stereotype of lesbians as bloodthirsty go-go dancers with a penchant for reckless driving, and then a hard-hitting film like this — with a serious actress like Spears — comes along, and what do you do? Throw up your hands in defeat, I guess.

Lucky for everyone, the news was fake.

Oh, Tarantino’s still going to remake Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! — he just isn’t going to cast Britney Spears in the lead (a rep for Britney has denied the report).

The tagline for the Russ Myers original was: "Don’t race the fastest pussycats — they’ll beat you — to death." Which is much better than the rumored alternate choice: "Just another Thursday Afternoon in Lesbo-ville."

by Stuntdouble

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