Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (August 20, 2010)

THE SPREAD: THE BEST AND WORST OF THE WEEK

10. Vogue
The world’s most famous fashion magazine decided to put out women (Freja Beha Erichsen and Catherine McNeil) on the cover of three of their international September editions. I love when being gay is in vogue.

9. America’s Next Top Model
The lesbian contestant on the upcoming cycle of the show is also a waitress at Hooters in Rockford, Illinois. Big boobs don’t usually go over well in high fashion, and a runway walk probably isn’t the best choice for delivering food and drinks to tables in a crowded restaurant, so she
probably isn’t well-suited to at least one of the two jobs.

8. Darren Aronofsky
After forcing us to wait (way too long) to see Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman
make out, the director delivered a trailer for Black Swan that has us even more impatient, because now we’re waiting to see why Natalie’s character goes so nuts. Please don’t tell us it’s because Mila is A.) a lesbian stalker or B.) causing Natalie to have some sexual identity crisis that will make her world crumble.

7. Nan Flannagan
Another lesbian on True Blood? Score! And the fact that she’s the head of the American Vampire League means she can bite the thighs of gorgeous women in the back of her limo.

6. Rizzoli & Isles
Despite Angie Harmon‘s personal politics, she played gay and committed to it on this week’s episode, "I Kissed a Girl." Although the killer was a
lesbian, she didn’t seem to be motivated by anything other than good old-fashioned dollar signs. Equality!

5. Rooney Mara
After a mad race to play the bisexual hacker Lisbeth Salander, in the U.S. version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Rooney officially landed the role. Now she has to brush up on motorcycle riding, looking pissed off and making love to a woman. Surely there’s some angry dyke on a bike out there that could help in all areas.

4. Mad Men
The introduction of a lesbian character on the show has us giving the thumbs up, even
though Peggy dismissed Joyce’s kiss. But since she’ll be back for a few more episodes this season, we’ll tune in to see if Joyce can work her
magic on Christina Hendricks (Joan) instead.

3. Ellen and Portia
The couple celebrated two years of marriage this week, which is 20
years in lesbian time. Congrats to the happy couple, who surely deserves a big slice of vegan cake.

2. Anna Paquin
The True Blood star made posing in the (bloody) nude look sexy on the
cover of Rolling Stone this week. She also said she was happy to come out as bisexual, which means we can continue to
ignore the fact that she’s engaged to her male co-star for a little bit longer.

1. Rachel Maddow
The
lesbian anchorwoman will receive the Walter Cronkite Award in October
for her reporting on politics and religion. In other words, she’s
willing to talk about all the things you’re supposed to shy away from
and she’s being applauded for it. Way to push the envelope, RMad.

-1. Dr. Laura Schlessinger
The
homophobic radio host is quitting after coming under attack for using
racist language on air.
Don’t let the door hit you on your way out!

-2. Danielle Staub
The
allegedly bisexual reality star has been kicked off The
Real Housewives of New Jersey
and won’t return for a third season. This could only be worse if Bravo did this just so they could give her a new show with Lori Michaels that focused on their partnership and "singing careers."

-3. Sam Ronson
Even though many share her sentiments
about Tila Tequila not being, uh, awesome, it was still a shock to hear
Sam say that she laughed at the picture of Tila’s bruised and beaten
face
after an attack she suffered in Illinois this week. Looks like Sam’s
not big on empathy.

-4. Mary Cheney
She may be gay, but she’s
OK with giving money to people who are against her getting married.
Mary donated $500 to the campaign of anti-gay Republican Kelly Ayotte,
which also leads me to believe she’s cheap.

 

-5. Evil bosses
Quitting
your job is in fashion now
, as long as you can still get a new
job/unemployment. Suck it, Jet Blue. Now give me my due beer/severance!

-6. Evil ex-girlfriends
Mae
Whitman
‘s lesbian character Roxy Richter got the shaft in Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World; her ex-gf says she was
only "bi-curious" when they dated. We know several more characters who it sucks to be in love with, and they have super powers of their own.

-7. The fashion industry
Gender-neutral
clothing is in demand, but there’s not much supply. Where are the
androgynous unisex clothes? They appear to be at your local vintage store, straight out of the 1960s.

-8. Piranha 3D
Lesbian and bi female characters are often in horror films and it’s usually because they’re getting killed for their evil deeds (i.e. being lesbian and bisexual). Something tells me that Kelly Brook and Riley Steele won’t fare too well in their underwater sex scene when the man-eating fishes lurk below.

-9. Katy Perry
In an attempt to get the lesbian crowd in her good graces, the "I Kissed a
Girl" singer visited a ladies’ night in Australia where she posed for
photos while smooching women. She then mentioned her beau, Russell Brand, and
said after they marry she’ll only kiss girls when he’s watching. As opposed to only kissing girls in front of a camera? Dang, we totally
thought you were genuinely interested in kissing girls, Katy. Foiled again!

-10. Rose Garcia

After the finale of The Real L Word, viewers could all agree on one thing: Rose straight up
sucks. Natalie was so right to leave her ass at Dinah. But the post-show coverage indicates that they’re still an item. Natalie, get it together, girl!

— by Trish Bendix

 

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