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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (Aug. 3, 2007)

MESSAGE TO SELF: NO THREESOMES AFTER MARRIAGE

Last week, Island Records announced that Melissa Etheridge’s ninth studio album (her first since Lucky in 2004), titled The Awakening, will be released on Sept. 25. In the press release, Melissa explains: “The album is my story and my journey. I hope that it will ring universally. I began to retrace the path of my own American dream: from my early years in California in the ’80s, to my dream for fame and fortune and my sad realization of the false images that lead so many of us into misery.”

If that sounds like a downer, don’t forget that the album is called The Awakening – I’m betting there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. (Plus there’s a track called “Threesome,” which the press release describes as “a country-rocker that is unlikely to be covered by Carrie Underwood.” Ha! Jokes in a press release!)

The album’s first single, “Message to Myself,” just hit the airwaves, and you can watch the video of it here. Billboard describes the song as “Etheridge’s most accessible track since 2004’s signature ‘Come to My Window'” and declares, “It has hit smeared all over it.” After watching the video, I had to admit the song is extremely catchy – I had the chorus running through my head after hearing it only once.

But my first thoughts after hearing the single weren’t about its hit potential; they were: What’s up with Melissa’s hair? It’s long again! OK, it’s in a shaggy shoulder-length do, but I dug Melissa with the short hair – and it was short just a few weeks ago at Live Earth. Is she wearing a wig in this video?

My second thought: Hey, that’s Tammy Lynn! And now her hair’s short (again)! Yes, Melissa’s wife makes a couple of appearances in the video, giving Melissa a cute peck on the cheek and oozing out that “I’m so happy I’m married to you” vibe. It actually made me go “aww.” And that’s what the video (and the song) is kind of about: love.

The chorus couldn’t get any clearer: “I’m sending out a message to myself/So that when I hear it on the radio/I will know that I am loved.” It’s obvious that Melissa’s in a happy place these days, even though she’s busy fighting the destruction of our planet through global warming, and honestly, I kinda like it. It could be cheesy, sure, but sometimes it’s nice to have an overtly positive message that is obviously sincere. She’s not trying to be sappy about anything; she’s clearly experiencing joy.

Now’s the time for me to make a sarcastic joke, but maybe all that meditation I’ve been doing has finally sunk in. Congratulations on the new album, Melissa! Glad to see you’re doing so well. And I do have a question for you: Who’s involved in that threesome, anyway?

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK

I just got the CD single for Valeria‘s pop/dance tune “Girl I Told Ya” in the mail today. If you don’t remember who Valeria is, check out her lesbotastic video here, or watch a behind-the scenes video here. Along with the CD single came an accompanying press release in which Valeria explains a bit about why she went in that interesting direction in her video:

“My video is fun and irreverent, with a wink. I mean, who are we without our girlfriends? … at the very least to practice on from time to time, right?”

I’ve often thought the very same thing, Valeria.

WHEN DID AUGUST BECOME THE NEW SWEEPS MONTH?

At one time, summer meant reruns on TV, and that generally translated to no lesbians or bisexual women. Thankfully, times have changed! In the next week you can see lezzies on the tube on several networks; in fact, there are so many lesbians on TV next week I’m scratching my head and wondering if somehow we’ve accidentally entered another sweeps month.

First up: IFC’s four-part series Indie Sex, which debuted Wednesday night at midnight and airs every night through Saturday, explores how sexuality has been portrayed in independent films, tackling subjects ranging from censorship to teen romance to S/M. Produced by out filmmaker Lesli Klainberg (Fabulous! The Story of Queer Cinema), who also directed two of the episodes (Taboos and Censored), the series doesn’t focus specifically on lesbian sexuality in films, but it’s still a pretty darn gay documentary.

Among the filmmakers and actors who comment in the series are Rosanna Arquette (The L Word), Jamie Babbit (But I’m a Cheerleader, Itty Bitty Titty Committee), Miranda July (Me and You and Everyone We Know), Heather Matarazzo, Piper Perabo (Imagine Me & You), Ally Sheedy (High Art) and Guinevere Turner.

I talked with Lesli Klainberg earlier this week, and she told me, “One of the things we wanted to accomplish in the series was obviously to integrate the gay and lesbian story into the whole story.” Thus, the series covers the whole gamut of sexuality (yes, there’s gay sex too) – and I admit I was shocked at the amount of stuff they were able to show on this television documentary! Granted, it airs at midnight on cable, but let me put it this way: This stuff puts sweeps lesbianism to shame.

Klainberg assured me, however, that “no sex toys were harmed in the making of this film.” Make of that what you will!

Moving on, this weekend you can also catch the premiere of Jekyll on BBC America (Saturday night at 8 p.m.), which features a lesbian couple, and the Season 2 premiere of The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman on IFC (Sunday night at 11:30 p.m.).

These two shows are extremely different from each other, but I liked them both: Jekyll because it was just dripping with metaphors about gender, sex and violence (and because it was creepy!); Jackie Woodman because the two actresses, Laura Kightlinger and Nicholle Tom, are wise-cracking feminists who also, incidentally, invited me to have a drink with them after our interview (sadly, I had to go to another press conference).

A note to future potential interviewees: I’m easy. If you want me to plug your show, offer me some scotch.

Sunday night at 9 p.m., catch another episode of The Kill Point, a series about a bank robbery-turned-hostage crisis (no, it’s not The Nine, R.I.P.) on Spike. Wondering why I’m recommending that you check out the cable network for men? Well, as a friend of mine once said to me, “Spike rhymes with dyke.” And The Kill Point, as we mentioned last week, includes a black lesbian cop, Lt. Connie Reubens (she’s ex-military), played by Michael Hyatt (The Wire).

Here’s a photo of her with co-star Donnie Wahlberg (unfortunately she’s in the blurry background):

I just watched the second episode, and I have to admit, Lt. Reubens is one tough woman. She’s no-nonsense and firearms-experienced, and she seems to be Donnie Wahlberg’s (the hostage negotiator) right-hand man (so to speak). On the other hand, the series includes lame frat boy-type jokes at regular intervals in order to hammer home the fact that this series is airing on Spike, whose new tagline is “Get More Action.” If you can stomach those moments of gross non-hilarity, The Kill Point‘s actually not bad television. Believe me: I’m as surprised as you.

LUCY LAWLESS GETS A FRESH SET OF BATTERIES

Comic-Con’s Battlestar Galactica panel last weekend revealed a few tasty tidbits about my favorite interstellar drama – in particular, Lucy Lawless is set to return to the series for two or three episodes, reprising her role as quasi-bisexual (or, perhaps, the sexually unlimited) cylon D’Anna Biers. Here’s a shot of her looking pensive after a night with Number Six and Gaius Baltar (My guess is that she’s wondering, “How can I get rid of Baltar next time?”):

Last season, her character was “boxed” (that is, deactivated and her memories downloaded into storage rather than allowed to be resurrected into another body) because she broke ranks from the other cylons and went off on her own quest (of sorts). However, as the return of Starbuck demonstrated, nobody’s really dead on BSG! Apparently D’Anna will be unboxed around the middle of the season by those who want to know what she knows. Executive producer Ron Moore said, “It’s a pivot point for the season.”

Sadly, the Comic-Con panel did not give any info on Starbuck’s secret life as a lesbian.

WALK IT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID CHOCOLATE.

Monday night at 9:00, ABC premieres its latest reality series, Fat March, in which 12 contestants from around the country go on a forced 570-mile march from Boston to Washington, D.C., hoping to lose weight while they compete for a prize pool of $1.2 million. The twist this time is that the more people who finish the journey, the more money each person wins.

And yep, you guessed it: It includes a lesbian contestant. Chantal Carrere, a 35-year-old lesbian who lives in Boston with her girlfriend, is a comedian and a student – and I bet this Fat March experience is gonna give her tons of material for her stand-up. Here’s a pic of Chantal:

According to the show’s press release, apparently none of the contestants knew they were going to be doing this when they signed up for the show; they all thought they’d be living in a mansion during their weight loss experience. What do you think it was like when they all discovered they’d be walking themselves to D.C. and camping along the way? I’m betting they didn’t erupt into cheers and run to put on their leg warmers.

Come to think of it, a lot of reality shows seem to be doing this bait-and-switch thing. Thought you were gonna be finding a rich husband? Nope, he’s an ordinary non-rich guy (Average Joe). Thought you’d be finding your hot gay boyfriend? Sorry, some of them are straight (Boy Meets Boy). Thought you’d be learning how to become a high-fashion model? Actually, you’ve just joined a lesbian recruiting reality show (America’s Next Top Model).

THE OTHER L-WORD

It’s August, and for many of you that may mean lazing at the beach, road trips or barbecues. You wanna know what it means to me? Birthdays. Yep, the month of leonine greatness is upon us, and in order to honor the many sexy cats who make Leo the ruler of the astrological heavens, I thought I’d alert AfterEllen.com readers to some very significant days of celebration that are happening even as we speak.

Last Thursday the virtual offices at AfterEllen.com were much more, um, staid than usual because Karman Kregloe, Senior Writer and Director of Special Projects (ask her about those projects sometime), was off celebrating her birthday. Happy belated, Karman! And this Friday, Aug. 3, marks my very own birthday, so don’t expect me to return any work phone calls today, Sarah! (Gifts are acceptable, however.)

There are also quite a number of celezbians and/or lesbian icons who are part of the Leo pride. Here’s wishing all of you (in alphabetical order) a happy and luxurious birthday:

I think we should all get together and praise each other. Whaddaya think? You can all come over to my house; I’ll provide the champagne.

THIS AIN’T YOUR MAMA’S MEMOIR

Author Nicola Griffith has released an beautifully made autobiography titled And Now We Are Going to Have a Party: Liner Notes to a Writer’s Early Life. This is no ordinary memoir – it’s a box set including five volumes, a letterpressed preface from Dorothy Allison, scratch-and-sniff cards (including one of “the pub” – truly brilliant!), a reprint of her first book (created at age 4), and a CD of songs from her early ’80s punk band.

Here’s what Nicola writes in the first volume to introduce the whole shebang: “So, as a writer these tall tales – the knives, the drugs, the arson, the gay bashing, the paranoia and police harassment – are they true? Yes. Every single word.”

The whole package can be yours at payseurandschmidt.com. But if you want the deluxe box set, act now, because once the 450 limited signed editions are gone, you’ll only be able to get it as a regular trade paperback.

YOU FOLKS PUT THE FAN IN FANATIC

Earlier this week we asked you all to send in your questions for Amber Benson before her interview with AfterEllen.com.

So many questions were submitted that she most likely won’t be able to answer them all.

QUEERING UP THE VOTE

Next Thursday, Aug. 9, at 9:00 p.m. ET, Logo (our parent company) and the Human Rights Campaign will present The Visible Vote ’08: A Presidential Forum. This two-hour forum (which you’ll also be able to watch live online) will bring together Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Christopher Dodd, John Edwards, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich, Barack Obama and Bill Richardson, who will take questions from a panel comprised of journalists Jonathan Capeheart and Margaret Carlson, HRC president Joe Solomonese and musician/activist Melissa Etheridge.

The hilarious Jane Lynch has even gotten herself involved:

To get things started, visiblevote08.com has just launched, and you can go there to submit questions for the candidates, as well as read blogs from celebrity bloggers who will be contributing their thoughts over the next few weeks. Among the celebs who have signed up to expound about politics are Kate Clinton, the Indigo Girls and Julie Goldman.

One of the first blogs is coming from tennis legend Billie Jean King, whose blog post will go live around 10 a.m. ET. She wastes no time in getting to the heart of the matter for many LGBT voters: “We need to figure out a way to make sure gay and lesbian couples have access to the over 1,000 rights that married couples currently have at the federal level,” she writes. King also endorses Hillary Clinton for president, arguing, “She has fought for policies that promote equality, while taking a strong stand against forces that have tried to marginalize the LGBT community.”

If that doesn’t convince you to vote for Hillary, don’t forget about “Hott4Hill“!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Yesterday the AP reported that Ellen DeGeneres will be a guest star on the 38th season of Sesame Street, which premieres Aug. 13 on PBS. Apparently Ellen will be doing a little “ballet” on the iconic children’s show. Will she be dancing with Snuffalupagus? Now that’s something I’d want to see.

Somehow we missed this when it was announced earlier this month, but thankfully we’re not too late to make a difference! South of Nowhere has been nominated for a Teen Choice Award for Best Breakout Show, so go here to vote for Spashley (or for Maeve Quinlan). The results will be broadcast Sunday, Aug. 26, at 8:00 p.m. ET on Fox.

At Comic-Con last weekend, the Great Joss Whedon announced a number of nonlesbian things that you can read about here, but he also revealed that he is already planning a Season 9 for the Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic book series. Woo!

Earlier this month, we reported that NBC was trying to lure Rosie O’Donnell to the upcoming season of Donald Trump’s The Apprentice, which has a celebrity theme this time around. Yeah, we thought that was a joke too, but apparently The Donald recently offered Rosie $2 million to appear on his show. According to Foxnews.com, Rosie roundly rejected his offer, answering, “I wouldn’t do it for $200 million.” That’s just about the most sensible thing she’s said in ages.

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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