TV

Best. Lesbian. Summer. Ever.

It’s officially summer. That means there’s not much on TV except reality shows (unless you have pay cable, and how many lesbians have that?), and the megaplexes are chock full of testosterone-heavy blockbusters. But forget about the heterosexual cultural majority! There’s plenty of dykey entertainment out there that you can put together to make this the Best. Lesbian. Summer. Ever.

Plus, if you’re an adrenaline junkie, check the UV Index rating for the hotness factor. Just don’t forget the sunscreen.

OOPS, I SWEAR I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS LOADED! In classic film noir of the 1940s, summer in seedy Los Angeles is rife with sex, crime and double-crossing vixens. But not many lesbians. Which is just wrong because, let’s face it, really good sex with double-crossing vixens has driven more than one lesbian to a life of crime, right?

Proving that you don’t need a fedora or a Pall Mall to recapture the noir spirit, writer-director Angela Robinson (D.E.B.S.) has created her own criminal world in the online series Girltrash, which is positively teeming with lesbians with axes to grind, heists to execute and other people’s wives to conquer. Oh, and did I mention the snappy, hilarious dialogue? The 3-minute webisodes are atmospheric, funny and compelling – which is more than I can say for most of the feature-length blockbusters we have to choose from this summer. To date, there are four webisodes online – the latest one featuring AfterEllen.com favorite Maeve Quinlan as a closeted lesbian judge – and future installments feature more South of Nowhere women (Gabrielle Christian and Mandy Musgrave), plus Amber Benson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Rose Rollins (The L Word), Margaret Cho and others.

Below is a brief preview of the upcoming Christian/Musgrave webisode: UV Index: 10

CLEARLY, EVERYBODY’S IN A GOOD MOOD WHEN THEY’RE DATING LEISHA HAILEY Need a flirty soundtrack for your summer fling? Try out k.d. lang’s Invincible Summer. Released in 2000, lang’s 10th CD is an ode to romance: an easy, breezy, beautiful collection of the musings of a woman in love (with Leisha Hailey at the time). Compared to the multilayered orchestral maneuvers of the Beach Boys and the easy crooning of Burt Bacharach, lang’s Summer mixes surf pop, folk, disco and funk with strings, pedal steel guitar and synthesizers. It’s a spectacular amalgamation of joy – kind of like falling in love.

And if all of this isn’t enough to convince you to give it a spin, note that Wendy “Yes, Lisa” Melvoin (of Prince and the Revolution/Wendy and Lisa fame) plays guitar throughout.

The clip below of the song “Summerfling” will make you long for the good ol’ days when Leisha was k.d.’s muse. UV Index: 4

NOTHING SAYS TEEN LESBIAN ROMANCE LIKE DENIAL Something tells me that the 2004 film My Summer of Love wasn’t exactly the sort of carefree “summer fling” that k.d. lang was waxing poetic about in Invincible Summer. This film is more like a road trip with a detour through crazy lesbian drama town. When Mona (Nathalie Press), a bored, working-class teenager who lives with her former drunken-brawling and now born-again older brother, meets Tamsin (Emily Blunt), it’s almost like a scene from a fairy tale. Rich girl Tamsin actually rides up to Mona on a white steed, tosses her long brown hair around and eyes her like an androgynous, lost little princess who requires rescuing. Or corrupting. Needless to say, Mona is hooked.

It’s not long before the two are inseparable, smoking cigarettes, tossing back the booze and eventually making out all over Tamsin’s blissfully parent-free estate. Too good to be true? You betcha. Tamsin has more than a few skeletons in her family closet, and Mona’s brother’s dalliance with redemption has an obvious expiration date.

I’ve been told that My Summer of Love ranks right up there with High Art – which I also loved – as one of those feel-bad lesbian movies that is likely to be passed over in favor of more sugary fare (e.g. Better Than Chocolate, The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love). But here are my talking points in favor of this particular piece of good, angsty cinema: Emily Blunt, strong acting by both the leads and the supporting cast, Emily Blunt, a smart script, a satisfying ending and Emily Blunt.

And it works as an educational tool as well. Watch this film and learn that if the girl of your dreams tells you that her hero is a woman who killed her lover with a fork and got away with it, you should probably put your clothes on. And then go home.

Here’s a clip from the film: UV Index: 8

TUBE SOCKS: THIS SUMMER’S HOTTEST BEACH ACCESSORY Curl Girls is nothing like those surfer chick movies of the 1960s (unless they actually made Gidget Goes to Santa Cruz and Has a Lesbian Affair but just didn’t release it). If anything, it probably has more in common with Blue Crush, but instead of just one butchy chick stomping around bragging about her surfing prowess, there are several.

Following the highs, lows and utter wipeouts of a group of surfer buddies who just happen to be lesbian and bisexual, this reality show from Logo (AfterEllen.com’s parent company) is thick with lesbian intrigue, tattoos, competition (friendly and otherwise) and ill-fated romance. Whether it’s Melissa and Jessica arguing over why they should stay together (or maybe it’s why they shouldn’t stay together – it really just depends on the episode), Gingi defending her bisexuality, Vanessa adjusting her tube socks, or Erin and Michele suppressing grimaces/snorts/eye rolls at the follies of their surf pals, Curl Girls will either make you want to learn to surf or, if you already know how to surf, make you want to find out where the Curl Girls catch their waves and immediately find yourself a different location.

And sometimes – for brief moments – it will even remind you of the particular importance of friendships to us lesbians.

Check out bad machine’s recaps of the show for another take. Something about them brings to mind that old U2 song “Even Better Than the Real Thing,” but I can’t for the life of me figure out what. Or enjoy these heartwarming moments of sudsy drama as they unfold below. UV Index: 6.5 (unless Gingi’s hanging ten; then I’d bounce it up to an 8)

IS MAKING AN UNRECIPROCATED PASS AT A FELLOW SPARKS FAN CONSIDERED A PERSONAL FOUL? Of course I’m not implying that the Women’s National Basketball Association is a lesbian sports league. Why, that would be preposterous! I’m merely suggesting that the games themselves have become important lesbian cultural events. Sheesh!

This summer marks the 10th anniversary of the very first WNBA game ever played (New York Liberty defeated the Los Angeles Sparks 67-57), and the WNBA holds the distinction of being the first team-oriented women’s professional sports league to exist for 10 consecutive seasons. And they said it wouldn’t last! The season runs through September, so there’s still plenty of time to get your tickets. Go to the WNBA official website for stats and game schedules.

UV Index: 8

ALMOST AS MUCH FUN AS EVIL VEINY WILLOW Who says that only gay men get to bask in gorgeous, shallow fun? Dante’s Cove (particularly due to Season 2 and, we’ve heard, the upcoming Season 3) is well on its way to becoming a guilty pleasure that isn’t just for the boys anymore. A mash-up of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Queer as Folk and your basic Friday night Skinemax selection, Dante’s Cove (here!) details the perils of being young, beautiful, gay, naked and vulnerable to the dangers of witchcraft on an exotic island. While the guys are naked more often than the women of Dante’s Cove, and their sex scenes are more explicit, there’s still an argument to be made for watching the show. At the risk of losing her girlfriend Michelle, Van (played by Nadine Heimann) finds the allure of Tresum (it’s the magic practiced on Dante’s Cove, not the LancĂ´me fragrance for which Kate Winslet is the new spokesmodel) to be irresistible, and watching her do battle with herself and the dark forces of the Cove can be fun.

Michelle (Erin Cummings) makes some sweet but futile admonitions against the dazzling world of magic, none of which protect her from its impact or the seductive powers of local butch bartender Brit (Michelle Wolff). In fact, her spell-induced “hallucination” that she is having a three-way with Van and Brit when she is really just cheating on Van with Brit offers an inventive spin on the age-old “the devil made me do it” defense.

Season 3 will feature two additional out actors (Jill Bennett and Jenny Shimizu) and a lesbian love triangle. Summer lovin’ indeed!

In this clip from Season 2, Michelle makes an impassioned yet baffling, religion-inspired speech that is both against Tresum and in favor of lesbianism. Aw, she’s cute when she’s being conventional! UV Index: 7.5

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO WEAR ANYTHING YOU WANT ON PRIDE Who says you can’t capture the debauchery magic of gay pride on celluloid? The glee, insanity, indulgence and even the requisite Dykes on Bikes drive-by are all portrayed beautifully in the “Loud and Proud” episode in Season 2 of The L Word.

In “Loud and Proud,” you’ll see our L.A. ladies trying to win the love of a homophobic parent (Bette, with an assist by Tina), playing master and servant (literally, as with Dana and Alice, aka “Camille”), doing a “good” deed (Shane gives voyeur roommate Mark a get-out-of-the-house-without-us-whipping-your-ass free card), experiencing an expert flogging (seven stations of the cross, anyone?) and featuring a daring new outfit (Alice prancing around in the now infamous terry-cloth uniboober get-up). Watch this clip, in which Dana (R.I.P.) explains in exacting detail the real meaning of gay pride to her little brother Howie. UV Index: 9

PLEASE EXCUSE SPASHLEY FROM SCHOOL TODAY, AS THEY ARE OUT (LOVE)SICK The most summerrific South of Nowhere episode of all time (er, to date) has to be Season 1’s “Girl’s Guide to Dating,” in which Spashley cut school to spend the day at the beach. In it, Ashley shows up Romeo-style outside of Spencer’s window one morning before school, and before you can say “truancy” the two are high-tailing it to the beach for some fun in the sun. The girls waste time with some dumb guys who think lesbianism is “hot,” and they even get into a rollicking fight with each other. But of course they make up, and along the way Spencer admits for the first time (in her out-loud voice) that she thinks that she might, you know, like girls. Like like girls. Eek!

So leave behind your jaded complaints about the PDA-lessness of Season 2 and take a little trip down memory lane to a simpler time, before Ashley got confused about her feelings for Aiden and when Spencer still thought that the labrys was the badge symbol for a renegade sect of the Girl Scouts. (Come to think of it, maybe it is!)

South of Nowhere Season 3 starts during the dog days of this summer on Aug. 10. That’s when we’ll all get to find out who got shot, whether or not PFLAG has kidnapped and reprogrammed Paula, and if Spencer has finally broken down and joined the girls’ softball team.

UV Index: 7.5

SUMMER CAMP + NO PARENTS = FIRST LESBIAN, UH, RELATIONSHIP Finding yourself longing for the days when you got the entire summer off and not just July 4th and Labor Day? Don’t get ahead of yourself: Those teen years had their low points too. And if you don’t remember the harsh realities of not being able to buy your own wine coolers, drive your own car, or find a girlfriend who would actually commit to being gay, French coming-of-age film Clara’s Summer (2001) exists to remind you.

In the film, Clara gets sent to summer camp where she intends to divest herself of her virginity tout de suite. Ditto her best friend, Zoe. Except Zoe thinks she might like to lose it with Clara – who demurs. Spurned, Zoe takes up with a boy and leaves Clara alone – that is until the exotic Sonia arrives. Clara is quickly enamored with Sonia, whom everyone thinks is a lesbian. In order to avoid guilt by association, Clara runs for the hills (or, in this case, the first available male). Less than dazzled by her first (hetero)sexual encounter, Clara rethinks her positions on both Sonia and Zoe.

No, Clara’s Summer doesn’t exactly join the pantheon of great summer-camp movies (Meatballs, Wet Hot American Summer, Little Darlings, Friday the 13th), but it’s a rare lesbian installment in that grand tradition. And Clara and company are adorable.

Check out the trailer below, or, better yet, read bad machine’s recap. UV Index: 7

DON’T FORGET TO PACK YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR BUG SPRAY Since 1976, women have been flocking to a parcel of land in rural Michigan to camp, go to concerts and pick up chicks. Yep, I’m talking about the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. I confess that I have never attended the Woodstock for Womyn (cue announcer, “Don’t eat the brown acid rice!”), and this is just one more lesbian rite of passage that I need to add to my to-do list (along with getting a tattoo, buying a motorcycle and declaring personal bankruptcy). But that doesn’t mean I can’t recommend it. Check out the performance lineup for this year’s fest (Aug. 7-12): Staceyann Chin, Erin McKeown, God-des and She, Sarah Bettens, Hanifah Walidah, Melissa Ferrick, Catie Curtis, Laura Love, Karen Williams, Vickie Shaw, Sabrina Matthews and emcee Elvira Kurt. And that’s not even the complete list of performers, nor does it include all of the workshops, parties, dances or films at your fingertips in the great wilds of Michigan this summer.

Get more info at the official website, www.michfest.com.

UV Index: 5

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