Best. Lesbian. Halloween. Ever.

 
 

A BLOODY HELL OF A GOOD TIME
Speaking of “not for the faint of heart,” I absolutely need to mention the love-it-or-hate-it French film High Tension (2003). Perhaps you’ve heard of it, and more likely than not, you’ve heard people complaining about the infamous twist ending. I don’t want to give anything away here, but this gruesome (and wow, do I mean ga-ruesome with a capital "boy, that’s a lot of blood!") tale of two girls stalked by a vicious knife-wielding maniac in the remote French countryside is worth a viewing if you’re at all interested in queer cinema. 

High Tension is positively rife with subtext about women who fall in love with their best friends, about self-loathing lesbians, about what love and living in the closet can sometimes do to a person. It’s a brutal film, to be certain — not to mention really really scary — but it’s also one that begs for analysis. (I’ve weighed in with my thoughts on it in a highly spoileriffic review you can read right here.)

Invite a bunch of your friends over and watch it for yourself; then in the light of day, when you’re no longer terrified, you can all put on glasses (they make you look smarter, you know) and discuss it. It’ll be just like Oprah’s Book Club! But with way more blood. And, um, it’s a movie. 

EXCUSE ME, BUT YOUR FANGS ARE IN MY NECK … 
As you may know, lesbians and vampires go together like peanut butter and jelly (for a primer on lesbian vampire flicks, read AfterEllen.com’s Top 10 Lesbian Vampire Flicks). Let’s face it: It’s a subgenre that just won’t die.

The actual “lesbian” content varies greatly from movie to movie. In the ’70s, even the most “notorious” films contained little more action than naked women running through a fog-enshrouded forest while “oooEEEooo” music plays. Then maybe they’d go back to a castle and stare at each other for a while, and then they’d kiss. Despite their reputations, these films (such as Nude for Satan) tend to be as slow as molasses and rather dull. The newer films, such as The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004, and yes, you read that right) lean decidedly more toward the soft-core end of the spectrum. 

Vampires aren’t the only monsters that lesbians in horror films associate with, though. I mean, there’s Satan himself to befriend! In Alucarda (1978), orphaned Catholic schoolgirls Alucarda (Tina Romero) and Justine (Susana Kamini) strike up a friendship that quickly evolves into a romantic relationship. Once that happens, you know what comes next: meaningful gazes and pacts with Beelzebub. 

As Satan’s Little Helpers, Alucarda and Justine wreak all kinds of nude havoc all over the convent and really put the her in hirsute, if you know what I mean. Alucarda is ridiculous, outrageous, over-the-top, and an exceedingly fun slice of ‘70s Mexican horror cinema. 

MY WORK HERE IS DONE 
Well, kids, I think I’ve given you just about all the ingredients you need to make this Halloween a truly lezerrific one. What you do with all this information is up to you. Will you stay up all night with your girl watching scary movies? Will you spend Halloween bickering with all your ex-girlfriends out in the woods somewhere?

How many of you couples are going to dress up as Willow and Tara? Or maybe you’ll just rock the longish brown hair and white tank top. (“Who are you supposed to be?” “Duh, I’m Eliza Dushku. I mean Jessica Biel — no wait, I’m Elisha Cuthbert!”) Happy Halloween! 

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