Barbie, you better work

Today is Labor Day here in America, a federal holiday in which we celebrate a year’s worth of work by not working. It’s a time to reminisce about summer, drink beer and contemplate how far workers in the United States have come since we stole a national holiday from Canada.

And what better way to celebrate women’s labor history than by taking a look back at that iconic career girl, the Barbie doll.

Feminists have long been conflicted about Barbie. If the doll was an actual human she would be five feet, nine inches tall, with a 36-inch chest, an 18-inch waist and 33-inch hips; and she’d weigh in at around 110 pounds.

Some critics say that allowing children to play with an unattainable standard of beauty like that plagues their self-image forever. I say that if the doll was an actual human she’d happily trade in her teensy measurements for some crucial body parts. Barbie can keep her waist and I’ll keep my — you know, I don’t need to spell it out for you.

Besides, I know I’m not the only child who sent Ken packing so that Barbie and Jem could lounge around naked by the Dream House pool all day.

You know how I know I’m not the only one? Because the Google images gifted me with this:

(You’re welcome; your childhood has now been validated.)

Barbie has her issues to be sure. There was that one Barbie that said “math is hard” when you pulled her string, and that other one with the “Ken” tattoo on her lower back. And even worse, Mattel has been slow to add any real ethnic diversity to their Barbie line. But even if you’re one of those people who really hates Barbie and every unrealistic idea she represents, you must admit that she is better than this doll:

So, keeping in mind Barbies in bed and the completely inappropriate pole dancer, here is our list of top 11 Barbie careers:

11) Astronaut

10) Professional tennis player

9) Movie Star (perfect for hooking up with Jem)

8) Veterinarian (keep this one away from the Jenny Schecter doll)

7) TV Chef

6) Musical Legend

5) UNICEF Ambassador

4) Surgeon (perfect for hooking up with the Callie Torres doll!)

3) U.S. Presidential Candidate

2) Queen (perfect for hooking up with the Elizabeth I or Helen Mirren doll):

1) Angela Merkel

Happy Labor Day! Do you have a favorite Barbie career and/or Barbie/Gem fan fiction?

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