THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:
The pest: Without her mother to pick on, Di goes after Gina.
The perennials: The Julies are back in jail. Again.
The pimp-on-wheels: A new arrival intrigues everyone, including Fenner.
A police station — Oh, that’s right: The Julies were arrested on their way out of jail. Julie S. is playing dumb as an investigator asks her about her activities in 1996. I know what I was doing in 1996: living from paycheck to paycheck and trying to convince people I’m a good writer. I’ve come a very short way, baby!
In the interview room next door, Julie J. pretends not to remember her crimes either. But the coppers call her Sonia Dawson, which sounds so weird. And it makes me think of Richard Dawson. Can you imagine a gang of Larkhall ex-cons on Family Feud?
Julie S. starts to get irate because her family is waiting for her. Looks like they’re going to be waiting a while.
Shaz’s cell — Shaz is using her phone card to scratch Denny’s name into the paint on the wall. She’s sniffling. I start to feel bad for her, but my brain quickly becomes needed for activities of a higher order — namely, translating:
Big Gay Al: [snatching the phone card away] Hoo stenny din? Ee gairra flen dizz at? Sho mossjy mitt allf shuhlites joo.
translation: Who’s Denny, then? Your girlfriend, is it? She must be mental if she likes you.
Crystal knows exactly what Al is saying and tells her to leave Shaz alone.
Big Gay Al: You gonna mate me?
Oh, it was make, not mate. Whew; that gave me a disturbing mental image for a minute there.
Big Gay Al: Oh yeah; you got God on your side. Tell you what: You say a prayer, and I’ll wait and see what happens.
I translated that one right off because the phonetic representation would have broken my fingers. I really can’t believe Al hails from the same country as Helen Stewart.
Al mocks Shaz for all her “snot and tears.” Shaz does seem pretty pathetic sometimes. (One of my favorite comments on the last recap was from BeecaBee: “Side note, Shaz is annoying.”) But I don’t think that means Shaz deserves a swirlie, which is what she gets from Al. Can you imagine a swirlie in prison?! Gross. Al promises more where that came from.
Sashaying on the job — Di Barker, who has been on “compassionate leave” (read: she freaked out because Fenner caught her mistreating her dear old mum), is back at work. She’s sauntering down the halls of Larkhall in a way that makes me think of a headline I saw in The New York Times over the weekend: “Plenty of Confidence, and No Pants.” Somebody even wolf-whistles, but I don’t know what’s supposed to be so impressive. Well, it’s a new haircut, but otherwise she looks as diabolical as ever.
She saunters into the locker room and says a nervous hello to Gina and Josh. Their reactions couldn’t be more different: Gina tells her she looks nice, while Josh’s expression is akin to Beavis and Butthead’s reaction to schmaltzy chick music.