THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:
The rival: Yvonne’s nemesis arrives at Larkhall.
The reproducer: Julie J. has the urge to procreate.
The rubes: Denny and Shaz are fun-loving innocents, despite their criminal records.
Another day, another delivery — The Larkhall lorry is delivering some more new inmates. Inside, Denny says what everyone’s thinking:
Denny: [as Dominic enters with a morning greeting] Another great day in Larkhall, eh, Mr. McAllister?
Oh, Den. You’re just happy because there’s a spiky-haired cutie in the bottom bunk. Dominic asks said cutie, Shaz, how she’s settling in. Shaz still seems happy to be in jail, which means I’ll never call her a smartie.
As Shaz sponges off at the sink, Denny seems to get a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach. She tries not to be too obvious as she watches, but she can’t really look away, either. Ooh, watching while someone washes! It doesn’t get much more "babes behind bars" than this.
Another day, another euphemism — As Dominic strolls by the servery, Julie S. remarks on his potential.
Julie S.: Here. I bet his tackle’s all in working order.
Julie J.: What? You mean …
Julie S.: Why not? Any kid of his’d be a right dazzler. Nice face, eh? You wouldn’t kick him out of bed, now would ya?
Julie J.: That’s only ’cause I’d never get him into bed in the first place.
That’s right: Tackle means, uh, meat and two veg. Don’t make me get explicit. The Julies are trying to make a baby, see? Just like any other self-respecting lesbian couple. Or, sorry, pair of "best friends." Julie J. doesn’t think it’s a great idea to screw a screw, but Julie S. says they just need to get over the obstacles in order to get Julie J. under Dom. Eye roll.
The Shell who cried sling — Shell is wincing as she squeezes her taped-up arm into a sling. What? Oh, right — Babs threw her around her cell a bit in the last episode. Hee. I’m laughing even though Barbara’s telling Yvonne it’s not funny.
Barbara: I acted like an animal.
Yvonne: Well, that’s nothing special in ‘ere, love. Welcome to the zoo.
No big deal — Shaz is in for triple murder. That’s right: triple. Denny wants to know how it happened. Shaz explains that she worked at a fish counter, and one day she poured the juice off some bad oysters onto some good ones. She thought it would just sic the health inspectors on her meanie boss, but it ended up siccing the grim reaper on some customers.
Shaz: Anyway, all this talk of food’s got me famished.
Wow. I’ve heard of letting things roll off your back, but that’s pretty extreme. Shaz seems only slightly remorseful at best.
Meanwhile, I keep thinking of Tipping the Velvet, what with the watching-while-washing and the oyster talk. Ah, Whitstable. I say that like I’ve been there.
They go to breakfast, where Shaz remarks that she thinks she and Den will have "a laugh" together. Denny reckons so too and starts things off by telling Shaz about the phone sex scheme. I’ll never call Denny a smartie, either.
A whodunit — Denny and Shaz move to the common area, where (speaking of sex) Shell walks by and explains away her sling as the result of a slip and fall. Denny offers to take care of whoever did that to her, but Shell tells her not to worry and gives her cheek a little caress.
The sartorially splendid Miss Betts, on the other hand, wants to know exactly who "had a go" at Shell.
After some awkward silences, Barbara stands up and confesses. Shell leaps up too, denying the whole thing — who would want to admit to being roughed up by "Miss Middle England," as Nikki called her?
I keep expecting it to become a Spartacus moment, but instead there are just several tense moments as Shell insists that the "old mare" didn’t touch her. Karen just stands by and glares at everyone and then gives up.