THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:
The departed: Zandra takes her leave.
The dork: The new inmate, Shaz, is cute in a dorky way.
The diarist: Barbara’s taking names.
A disclaimer — This recap is short. That’s because this episode is sad, and sadly devoid of Helen and Nikki.
A study in contrasts — In the wing office, Dominic is sipping his tea and staring into space. Meanwhile, in the servery, the two Julies are doing the dishes and also fielding phone calls to the Babes Behind Bars sex line. Crazy world, ain’t it?
Julie S.: I’m unhooking my bra … [pause] Oh. You finished, then? All right, then. Till next time, big boy.
Ick. She hangs up and makes a grossed-out noise and says she needs a shower. You and me both, Ju. Nearby, Shell’s in a good mood because she’s going back on Enhanced. The Julies say she deserves it after all the worries about her kids. Shell doesn’t say anything. It seems like maybe she’s not too worried about them now. Of course, it’s best not to speculate about what’s going on behind those ice-blue eyes.
As mealtime begins, Barbara shows up with her diary. She’s writing down everything they eat so she can complain about it to Miss Betts (and probably anyone else who will listen). Imagine if this show had come along later — Babs would be blogging.
Just to reward Barbara for being a “smug bitch,” Shell gives her some green slop (is that mushy peas?) instead of the cholesterol and starch she’s complaining about.
Barbara sits down to mope. Zandra soon joins her, but she has something bigger to mope about: Her mortality. She dares Barbara to try some “mercy killing” on her. Oh, Zan. I can’t believe you have a brain tumor. And I know your petulance is just a mask for the fear. Babs knows it too, and Zandra responds to the sympathy.
Zandra: It’s just that no one talks about it. They all pretend that nothing’s happening, apart from Crystal. And now they’ve gone and taken her away from me.
Barbara: Well, I’m here. Anytime you want.
Right on cue, Dominic strolls up. Babs makes a hasty exit so he and Zandra can sit and smile at each other.
Spurned — Out in the yard, Josh asks the two Julies about Crystal. They explain that Crystal just wanted to stay with Zandra in her hour of need. Josh pouts and feels sorry for himself. What should I call Josh? I need something that rhymes with “Josh” but means “whines.”
Movin’ on up — As Shell gathers her things to go back up on Enhanced, Nikki studies the pool table. Is it wrong of me to find that sexy?
Shell makes a few snide comments on her way out. I guess she’s back to normal, then. She also promises Fenner that she’s going to be a good girl.
Fenner: Cut the speeches, Dockley. There’s no Oscars in here.
I can’t believe I’m saying it, but right on, Fenner.
A stroll — Zan and Dom talk about life and children. Oh, right, Zandra has a kid, remember? Where the hell did he disappear to? Zandra says Dom must think she’s crazy for living out the remainder of her days in Larkhall, but he’s glad she decided to do that. And he tells her so. It’s sweet.
Reunited — Crystal is out of solitary. She and Zandra share a big hug.
Zandra: You’re the best mate ever. [as Crystal is escorted off] Love you, Crystal!
Sometimes life in Larkhall seems downright charming.
Phone sex — Shell uses a Russian accent on the phone sex line. It’s pretty funny — Denny’s having a good time. She even encourages Zandra to participate. Zandra starts to joke around about possible phone sex names — Nelly with the Smelly fill-in-the-blank — but in the middle of her sentence, she suddenly can’t speak. The camera work gets all trippy as she rushes back to her cell.
Barbara: Zandra, are you all right?
Zandra: Yeah. I’m just bleeding dying, that’s all.
Everybody gathers around, which only makes Zan feel like more of a freak. She sobs, and despite my cynical eye that gets even more cynical when I cast it on soap operas, I feel pretty damn sad about the whole thing.
Trying to apologize — Crystal tries to make nice with Josh, but he isn’t very interested. Neither am I.
Josh gets all introspective and says he doesn’t know if he can marry Crystal after all (not that she knew he was planning that) because he doesn’t think he can compete with her relationship with God. Sometimes you just have to accept these things, Josh. My girlfriend has a profound relationship with sleep, and I have made peace with it. I know I’ll never be first in her heart.
Anyway, Josh gives Crystal the ring, but he says he just wants out and is giving his notice. Bye, Joshie! Don’t let the big gates hit your ass on the way out!
Sleepless — Zandra can’t sleep. Neither can Crystal. So they huddle in Crystal’s tiny little bunk. Sheesh, I know these girls are skinny, but that looks very uncomfortable.
Zandra says she’s scared of dying, so Crystal does her best. They talk about God and decide that he loves Zandra just as much as I do. I don’t love her so much when she recites a maudlin prayer, though. Even though I used to say that one (“Now I lay me down to sleep”) as a kid too.
It’s like a twisted Romeo and Juliet — As Dominic saunters up to the gates, Zandra gazes down at him from her cell window. Aw. He sees her and waves like a love-struck boy.
And it’s like a twisted Murder, She Wrote — Shell finds Barbara’s diary and sits down to have a good read. At that very moment, Barbara (in the meal queue) realizes she has forgotten said diary. She goes back to her cell to find Shell reading about herself.
Shell: “Shell Dockley is definitely a psychopath.” Now, that’s not very nice, is it, Babs?
Barbara threatens to report her, but Shell points out that she has bad-mouthed the screws in the diary too, so they’re not likely to listen. Jeezus, Barbara: You couldn’t have changed the sodding names?!
A quick snog — Dominic visits Zandra in her cell. He wishes he could be of more help to her, but she says he’s helping her get through.
Zandra: Sometimes I …
Dominic: What?
Zandra: Sometimes I daydream about what things could have been like if I didn’t have this. I’d have got clean, I’d have finished my sentence, and then … when I got out, maybe …
Dominic: [nodding]
Zandra: Don’t s’pose it would have worked, would it?
Dominic: Don’t s’pose. [pausing] It might’ve.
And then Zandra starts to cry. Dom lifts her chin up, and that’s all the encouragement she needs to lean forward and give him a little kiss. He resists at first but then kisses back, just barely.
Dominic: I shouldn’ta done that. Sorry.
Zandra: Don’t be. At least one of my dreams came true.
Wahhhh! And hey, isn’t Dom’s line exactly what Nikki said the first time she kissed Helen? Maybe that’s why Dominic and Zandra are my second favorite couple. That, and because they’re adorable.
Dom just looks shattered when he leaves Zandra’s cell. I want to buy him a puppy.
Sing it, sister — Out in the yard, Crystal invites everyone to a prayer meeting for Zandra. Shell’s not enthused:
Shell: If there was a God, he wouldn’t have given her a bleedin’ brain tumor, would he? [pointedly, in Barbara’s direction] Unless, of course, he’s a psychopath like me.
Uh-oh. I just giggled at Shell. Soon I’ll be kicking puppies instead of buying them for heartbroken prison officers!
The Julies offer to give Zandra a party. Barbara endorses the idea. Shell expresses her surprise; she thought Barbara thought the Julies were “a bit backward.” Nikki hears this and wonders why Shell knows anything at all about Barbara’s thoughts, but Babs just brushes it off.
Dominic wanders by, so Nikki consoles him. Lesbians like you, Dom! She reminds him that giving Zan a little love in her sad, sorry life is much more important than following the prison rules. Love above rule 43: That’s our Nikki.
The cell of confession — Nikki wants to know what’s up with Babs. She finally gets the truth: Shell has the diary. Never mind that — Nikki, that shirt is very unflattering. Where’s that tight pink number you like so well? I know, no reason to dress now that Helen’s disappeared.
Babs can’t report the theft of the diary because it contains comments about the screws. Plus, Nikki reminds her, she wouldn’t want to “grass” (squeal) in general, if she wants any friends among the inmates.
Nikki: I would offer to go and kick her face in for you, but …
Nikki’s not just worried about keeping her nose clean for her appeal; she also thinks Babs should face up to Shell herself. Scary.
Zandra’s party — Aw, this is nice. Everyone’s happy and tipsy. Shell changes the tone a little by saying the word “dying,” but Zandra’s glad it’s out in the open.
Dom interrupts, so they all hide their smuggled-in hooch. He looks around and sees a bottle, but then he looks the other way and gives them one hour.
Zandra: Thanks … Dominic.
Everyone else: [giggling] Cheers, Mr. McAllister.
Shell asks Babs whether she still thinks lesbians are “creepy.”
Nikki: I think you’ll find that your information’s a bit out of date.
Nikki makes Shell ‘fess up about the diary. Shell also reveals some of the mean things Babs has written in it, like her notion that Zandra deserves to have her baby taken away.
Barbara: It’s true, I did write those things she’s said. But it was stupid, and it was ignorant, and it was before I got to know you all. [to Shell] The only person I haven’t changed my mind about is you. You are a psychopath. And you are cruel, and you are spiteful.
Wooo! Now run, Babs, run! But she doesn’t — she stands her ground. Zandra comes to her aid and tells Shell to piss off. Shell sulks away, and everyone else goes back to partying. Larkhall is just like college, what with the libation and tiny bunks and all.
It gets even more jolly when Julie S. gets a call on the phone sex line. The guy on the other end wants her to baa like a sheep, so soon they’re all baa-ing. I love their great, genuine-sounding laughter, and so does Dominic. Outside, he tells Sylvia to let them all have their fun.
Inside, Denny starts to moo as well as baa, but then it all turns sour. Zandra seizes, falls and dies.
Sniffle.
Dom rushes to her side, but she’s gone.
The next day — Di and Dominic talk about the memorial service for Zandra. Di asks about Zandra’s family, but Dom says her baby was all she had.
Back in the four-bed dorm, Crystal and Denny sift through Zandra’s things. Crystal finds a letter that Zan left for her. Damn this show for making me all sappy!
In their cell, the Julies try to find something to wear to the memorial, but their clothes are kind of tarty. They decide Zan wouldn’t mind.
A newbie — A spiky-haired blonde named Shaz arrives for processing. She seems thrilled to be there. I’m not being sarcastic. Let’s just say she seems gay in both senses of the word.
The chapel — Barbara sits down to play the organ for the memorial service. When she lifts the cover, she sees “Your funral (sic) next” scrawled on the keys in lipstick. Guess who wrote that? Nikki gives Shell a stern look.
Out in the hallway, Karen wonders why Dominic is late for the service. He shows up with a baby in his arms: Zandra’s son. Fenner and Sylvia and Karen are more than happy to bend the rules to let the little tyke go to his Auntie Julies for the service.
Crystal reads Zandra’s letter. It’s a testament to friendship — and specifically to the Julies, to Dominic, to Crystal — and it makes everyone cry. Oh, hey, there’s Yvonne! Where have you been, sexy thing?
The letter also has a message for Robbie, Zandra’s baby. And it ends with a request that everyone sing “Kumbaya.” So they do. Gah, this is really too much. Come back, Zan!
(The outtakes include a hilarious snippet of the singing bit.)
Insensitive Shaz — Di tells Shaz about Zandra, but Shaz wants to know about her cellmates.
Di: Crystal’s got religion, and Denny’s got … Denny’s got charm.
Good way to put it. I have a feeling Shaz is going to appreciate all of Denny’s charms.
Still making threats — Shell tells Babs she’s going back to her cell to look for her razor blade.
Nikki: Dockley, do us all a favor. When you find it, use it on yourself.
Ah, Wade. Queen of the pithy remark.
Farewells and hellos — Dominic takes little Robbie back to his dad. Meanwhile, Shell meets Shaz and wants to strip-search her, but Denny defends Shaz. Shell tells Shaz that Denny farts in her sleep.
Shaz: As long as she don’t set light to ’em.
What a couple of goofy kids. And Shell, you’re losing friends left and right. ‘Bout time.
Justice — A bunch of inmates attack Dr. No-no, who repeatedly refused to alleviate Zandra’s pain. Crystal even spits in his face, which just means she has to go back to solitary. But I bet it was totally worth it.
And then another face-off takes place: Babs stares down Shell and finally gets a little respect. Nikki stands by just in case, but Barbara does just fine.
Hatching a plan — The Julies decide there must be a way for Julie J. to have more kids. I don’t know. I’m sure we’ll find out.
Bye, Zan. These crazy inmates will all miss you. So will Dominic, who’s heading home with another shattered look on his face.
NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Another newbie arrives; Denny and Shaz get to know each other.
