“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 2.05 “Mistaken Identity”

A struggle for the title of Chief Psycho — Oh, hey, hi, there’s Nikki! She watches with keen interest as Shell gets up to go say hello to the new girl, not-Barbara. Shell has to follow not-Barbara to her cell in order to do so. And she gets quite a surprise there: As she tries to establish herself as "top dog," not-Barbara pushes back. Er, rather, she pushes Shell against the cell door and threatens to push the lunch tray right through her throat.

Nikki, who has been making her way to the cell out of curiosity, hears the ruckus and opens the cell door to find Shell bent down, scraping up the food that fell from the tray. She asks not-Barbara if she’s all right.

Not-Barbara: Yes, thank you.

It’s hard to describe the sinister innocence with which she says this (and all her lines). Yes, I realize that’s an oxymoron, but so is not-Barbara. And she has scared Shell so thoroughly, Shell’s running out the door to get a cloth so she clean up the mess. Well done!

Nikki is suspicious, but she has better things to do: Dominic is there with another letter for her.

Dominic: Thought I recognized the handwriting.
Nikki: You read it?
Dominic: I don’t, do I? Anyway, Miss Barker checked ‘em today. Though I was wondering … I’ve not heard from Helen since she left. Be nice to know she’s OK.
Nikki: [brattily] Would it?

Dominic starts to walk off, but Nikki calls after him, "Don’t worry, she’s fine." And Nikki gazes at her latest postcard from Miss Stewart as that now familiar Helen-and-Nikki music swells in the background. Sometimes I hear that music in my dreams. Should that worry me?

The postcard says "Have V.O. Will C.U. soon." (A V.O. is a visiting order.) I have to say, I’m a little disappointed in Helen’s handwriting. It looks like maybe she had a little too much vodka again or was writing it on the train or something. And what’s with the abbreviations? Are they meant to be poetic? I guess Rosie O’Donnell isn’t the only one who veers toward the cryptic when it comes to shorthand.

The governor’s office — Karen is meeting with Meg, the group therapist. She warns her about "piss takers," including Shell.

Karen: If you can crack her, I’ll give up smoking.

I don’t like the idea of "cracking" Shell. Who knows what horrible things will fall out of the twisted piñata that is her mind?

Karen: She’s a raving nympho. Men, mostly, but she’s been carrying on something with her little sidekick here, Daniela Blood.

Wow, that was an insightful summary, Karen. She also summarizes the situation with Fenner and says even though he’s been cleared, she thinks Shell was telling the truth. But she’d prefer that Shell not "bang on" about Fenner in the group. Meg says there’s only so much she can do to control the conversation.

Karen also tells Meg that Tessa Spall is in Larkhall.

Meg: Karen, for God’s sake!
Karen: Don’t worry. I won’t let her get me on my own.
Meg: Well, don’t, please. Not even for a second.

Ooooh. Such foreshadowing! And just to add to it, the shrieking woman shrieks in solitary confinement, while not-Barbara smiles enigmatically in her cell.

A conjugal visit — Hollamby retrieves Yvonne from her cell for visiting time. Yvonne is putting on makeup, but Hollamby tells her that’s enough "beautification."

Yvonne: My Charlie’s gonna be upset enough without seeing me look like a monkey’s ass.

As if you could ever, Yvonne! Actually, sometimes you sorta look like a hawk. But I love you anyway.

Yvonne offers to get Hollamby the phone number of a lawyer who can help her get some money for her neck injury. Yvonne has a very difficult time keeping a straight face as she tries to sound concerned.

In the visiting room, Fenner asks Di to take Charlie to the “side room” so he and Yvonne can cry together. Sheesh, what a con. And ew, I don’t like the way Charlie and Yvonne kiss once they’re left alone together. Charlie kisses like a Hoover, as they say in the U.K. And why does Yvonne look all sweaty before they’ve even done the nasty?

After the lovin’, they talk about Fenner. They agree that he needs to be put in his place.

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