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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 2.05 “Mistaken Identity”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The psycho: A new arrival shows everyone why they call her “Mad” Tessa Spall.

The psychoanalyzed: Shell goes to group therapy.

The planner: Fenner makes a deal with Yvonne.

Morning — Oh, look, new arrivals! One of them is an older woman. She’s shrieking and begging to be let out of the prison truck/lorry/cell-on-wheels. I’d be shrieking too, if I were locked in that teeny space that’s barely person-sized.

The wing office — Betts is giving everyone the 411 on the group therapy sessions. The therapist, Meg Richards, is starting today.

Karen: Now, if you don’t see much of me for the rest of the week, it’s not because I don’t love you. I’ll be combing over budgets.

Wah. Don’t toy with me, Karen. What do we have to do to get a wing governor to stick around for a few episodes?

On their way out of the office, Di and Sylvia discuss the group therapy. Sylvia thinks it’s a waste of money, but Di thinks it can really open doors for some people.

Hollamby: All it’ll open in here is a can o’ worms.

I can’t help but laugh at Hollamby in her neck brace. Is that wrong of me?

Fenner warns Sylvia about one of the new arrivals: “Mad” Tessa Spall.

Fenner: Doing life for hacking her sister to bits. Then went off on one in Newby and chewed off a screw’s ear. Oh, yeah: Apparently she’s HIV-positive.

I don’t know if he’s saying “Newby” or something else: I can’t stand to look at Fenner’s lips long enough to decipher what he’s saying. But I do understand that Mad Tessa is scary.

Outside — Some guards unload the newbies (er, one of which is from Newby, I guess?). Hollamby waltzes up and assumes the shrieking woman is Tessa Spall. But the woman is screaming, “I can’t breathe,” not “I’ll chew your ear off!” There’s no way to be sure; she has no documents. That’s quite a system. No papers? We don’t care, we’ll lock you up anyway!

Sylvia tells the guards to put the shrieking woman down the block right away, and to watch out: “She’s infected.” As she barks her orders, another woman is escorted into the prison. She has curly hair and looks reasonably sane.

Shell’s cell — Dominic tells Shell about group therapy and encourages her to give it a try. Shell says she’d rather not but seems to reconsider when Dominic says it’s the best way for her to get back on Enhanced — it would prove she’s really trying to change. Yeah, or it would prove she wants you to think she’s really trying to change.

Reception — I love that they call it “reception” when they process new arrivals, as if they’re welcoming them and serving them tea and cakes. The reality is that Hollamby’s still barking orders, and the shrieking newbie is still shrieking as she is escorted to solitary.

Hollamby calls for a Barbara Hunt, but gets no reply at first. (How great are Hollamby’s grunts and sighs as she does her oh-so-difficult job?) Finally the curly-headed woman stands up and comes forward. She seems quite genial, doesn’t she? I would even say she’s kinda cute.

Hollamby reads out Barbara Hunt’s details; she’s sentenced to three years and was born in 1949. But this woman looks younger than that.

Hollamby: That can’t be right.

Newbie: It’s ’59, Miss.

Hollamby finds the newbie perfectly acceptable and says, “We like new prisoners who don’t create problems for us.” The newbie, who is pretty clearly not Barbara Hunt, seems to find this amusing.

Meanwhile, down the block, the shrieking woman is given a sedative to ensure that she won’t create problems tonight either.

Making deals — Fenner has made arrangements for Yvonne and her husband Charlie to get some quality time together on the next visiting day. They’re going to pretend that Charlie has liver cancer and play on everyone’s sympathies.

Yvonne: This could be the start of a beautiful friendship, Mr. Fenner.

Take that back! Right now! Fenner warns Yvonne to play nice with Bodybag if she wants to continue to get little perks like this. Great: befriend Fenner and Hollamby? Talk about keeping your enemies close.

Still in pain — In the common area, Zandra has a headache again. She actually looks really bad. Dominic is concerned, but doesn’t know what to do if the prison doctor refuses to help Zan.

Elsewhere, Denny schemes with Shell. She suggests that they sign up for group therapy and pretend to take it seriously. Shell says, “Why not?” Oh boy.

Mug shots — Hollamby takes not-Barbara’s mug shots. When she says, “Turn to the side,” it reminds me of Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona: “Turn to the right! Turn to the right!” But it isn’t even half as funny when Hollamby barks.

Anyway, not-Barbara is still being perfectly polite. She’s making Hollamby’s day. That alone is reason to dislike her.

Doctor’s orders — Dominic chats with the prison doctor about Zandra. Dr. Nicholson doubts that Zandra is actually clean, because she refused a blood test the last time she asked for pain meds.

I’m sure there are lots of Nicholsons in the U.K., but every time I hear the doctor’s name, I think of Vita and Violet and Portrait of a Marriage. I keep expecting Harold to waltz in.

Stuffing envelopes — A bunch of inmates are in a workroom stuffing envelopes. Fenner interrupts to take Yvonne to her very seeerrrious (oh, Miss Stewart, how I miss you) phone call about her husband’s faux liver cancer. Linda Henry, who plays Yvonne, is very convincing. Even Shell looks concerned.

After they leave, Zan asks Shell for some jellies.

Shell: I thought you was off all that stuff.

Zan: Yeah, well, I need something for my head.

But Shell doesn’t have any drugs, because she’s learning to love herself in group therapy.

Shell: Hahahahahahaha!

The way she laughs makes me need therapy.

A hallway — Dominic and Sylvia tell Karen about the psychotic new arrival, Tessa Spall. It seems Karen has a history with Spall — she gets nervous at the mere mention of the name.

Hollamby: Well, I suppose you must have been working there, weren’t you, when the actual ear was bitten off!

But Karen has those budgets to comb over, so she doesn’t stay to chat.

More faux concern — Fenner takes Yvonne back to the workroom. She looks and acts like she’s just heard some very bad news. Such a schemer! She actually cries a little.

Chez not-Barbara — Di escorts the curly-headed newbie to her cell. Not-Barbara is still as sweet as she can be. But when she asks about her induction appointment with Miss Betts, her eyes get kind of wild. Di assumes she’s just reacting to the strangeness of prison.

Di: I’ll give you some advice. Be very careful who you trust ’round here.

You should talk, Officer Sunshine! Di is ridiculously, annoyingly optimistic in general.

Lunchtime — Fenner checks in with Yvonne. She’s not enjoying playing the wounded wife routine, but she’s trying to hold up her end of the bargain: She asks Fenner for his address so she can have the money delivered. He says he’ll say where and when that happens.

Fenner: No third parties. ‘Cause if I get a hint anybody else knows about this, the deal’s off and you’re in deep s—. Got it?

Yvonne: Yeah. Whatever.

I could not adore you more, Yvonne.

Nearby, Shell doesn’t understand why Yvonne’s getting so much attention.

Shell: I didn’t get no sympathy when my Charlie died.

Denny: He was a canary.

Shell: So?

Ha ha! Who needs the two Julies when these two go into comedy mode?

A struggle for the title of Chief Psycho — Oh, hey, hi, there’s Nikki! She watches with keen interest as Shell gets up to go say hello to the new girl, not-Barbara. Shell has to follow not-Barbara to her cell in order to do so. And she gets quite a surprise there: As she tries to establish herself as “top dog,” not-Barbara pushes back. Er, rather, she pushes Shell against the cell door and threatens to push the lunch tray right through her throat.

Nikki, who has been making her way to the cell out of curiosity, hears the ruckus and opens the cell door to find Shell bent down, scraping up the food that fell from the tray. She asks not-Barbara if she’s all right.

Not-Barbara: Yes, thank you.

It’s hard to describe the sinister innocence with which she says this (and all her lines). Yes, I realize that’s an oxymoron, but so is not-Barbara. And she has scared Shell so thoroughly, Shell’s running out the door to get a cloth so she clean up the mess. Well done!

Nikki is suspicious, but she has better things to do: Dominic is there with another letter for her.

Dominic: Thought I recognized the handwriting.

Nikki: You read it?

Dominic: I don’t, do I? Anyway, Miss Barker checked ’em today. Though I was wondering … I’ve not heard from Helen since she left. Be nice to know she’s OK.

Nikki: [brattily] Would it?

Dominic starts to walk off, but Nikki calls after him, “Don’t worry, she’s fine.” And Nikki gazes at her latest postcard from Miss Stewart as that now familiar Helen-and-Nikki music swells in the background. Sometimes I hear that music in my dreams. Should that worry me?

The postcard says “Have V.O. Will C.U. soon.” (A V.O. is a visiting order.) I have to say, I’m a little disappointed in Helen’s handwriting. It looks like maybe she had a little too much vodka again or was writing it on the train or something. And what’s with the abbreviations? Are they meant to be poetic? I guess Rosie O’Donnell isn’t the only one who veers toward the cryptic when it comes to shorthand.

The governor’s office — Karen is meeting with Meg, the group therapist. She warns her about “piss takers,” including Shell.

Karen: If you can crack her, I’ll give up smoking.

I don’t like the idea of “cracking” Shell. Who knows what horrible things will fall out of the twisted piñata that is her mind?

Karen: She’s a raving nympho. Men, mostly, but she’s been carrying on something with her little sidekick here, Daniela Blood.

Wow, that was an insightful summary, Karen. She also summarizes the situation with Fenner and says even though he’s been cleared, she thinks Shell was telling the truth. But she’d prefer that Shell not “bang on” about Fenner in the group. Meg says there’s only so much she can do to control the conversation.

Karen also tells Meg that Tessa Spall is in Larkhall.

Meg: Karen, for God’s sake!

Karen: Don’t worry. I won’t let her get me on my own.

Meg: Well, don’t, please. Not even for a second.

Ooooh. Such foreshadowing! And just to add to it, the shrieking woman shrieks in solitary confinement, while not-Barbara smiles enigmatically in her cell.

A conjugal visit — Hollamby retrieves Yvonne from her cell for visiting time. Yvonne is putting on makeup, but Hollamby tells her that’s enough “beautification.”

Yvonne: My Charlie’s gonna be upset enough without seeing me look like a monkey’s ass.

As if you could ever, Yvonne! Actually, sometimes you sorta look like a hawk. But I love you anyway.

Yvonne offers to get Hollamby the phone number of a lawyer who can help her get some money for her neck injury. Yvonne has a very difficult time keeping a straight face as she tries to sound concerned.

In the visiting room, Fenner asks Di to take Charlie to the “side room” so he and Yvonne can cry together. Sheesh, what a con. And ew, I don’t like the way Charlie and Yvonne kiss once they’re left alone together. Charlie kisses like a Hoover, as they say in the U.K. And why does Yvonne look all sweaty before they’ve even done the nasty?

After the lovin’, they talk about Fenner. They agree that he needs to be put in his place.

Group therapy — Shell confesses that when someone betrays her, she wants that person to die.

Denny: [shrugging] It’s what she’s like.

I love Denny the Snarky Commenter. But I don’t enjoy Shell’s ridiculous stories, and neither does the therapist. This disapproval sends Shell into a fit of yelling.

Shell: It ain’t us that needs sortin’ out; it’s the friggin’ screws.

Everyone agrees that the screws don’t listen. Zan says she just wants to see an ordinary doctor, but nobody hears her sincere requests. The therapist says this is not the forum for complaints. But Shell says if they’re going to talk about their lives, they’re going to talk about the screws. She does have a point.

Solitary — The shrieking woman seems kinda crazy. Dominic tries to talk to her, but she says she can’t talk because she can’t breathe. When he calls her Tessa, we get a little clue to this twisty plot:

Not-Tessa: You don’t even know my bloody name!

Dominic looks stunned and goes off to investigate.

A proper topic for therapy — Everyone’s talking about the times they’ve let men take advantage of them. Shell tries to tell her story about the screw who took advantage of her, but it turns sour when the therapist tries to figure out whether Shell sometimes enjoyed the sex. Shell and Denny get up to leave.

The therapist: Don’t pretend to yourself you’re leaving because you’re bored.

Shell: How do you know what I’m thinking?

The therapist: Why do you feel guilty about sex, Michelle?

I kinda like this therapist. She reminds me of someone — Erin Gray, maybe. Someone who can see through Shell, I guess. Shell sits back down. I think she’s impressed.

The yard — Not-Barbara asks Di about her appointment with the governor. She’s a little tired of waiting.

Di: You’ve soon picked up a bit of an attitude, haven’t you?

After Di walks away, not-Barbara swaggers her attitude right over to Nikki and asks for a word.

Not-Barbara: So you think you’re big sister, do you?

Nikki: Excuse me?

Not-Barbara: Sticking your nose in. Doing the screws’ job for ’em. Lick their arses for ’em too, do ya?

Nikki: Look, I’m busy.

Not-Barbara: I’ll tell you what you are, you piece of snot. You’re a narc, ain’t ya?

Nikki: Look, I don’t know what your problem is. I’m not interested. So why don’t you save your breath and go run round the playground instead?

And for a minute it looks like not-Barbara’s going to do just that, but then she kicks Nikki from behind. Nikki cries out and grabs her leg, and then tackles not-Barbara to the ground. Fight, fight! Next thing you know, Fenner’s pulling Nikki off not-Barbara and blaming her for the whole thing.

Not-Barbara pretends to be terrified, so Nikki calls her a “lying s—” and a “head case.” But Dominic and Fenner didn’t see who started it, so Nikki’s back on Basic and not-Barbara is blameless. Why does all the injustice in the world find you, Nik?

The wing office — Dom talks about his encounter with the shrieking not-Tessa in solitary. He says she seemed more frightened than violent. Karen says Tessa can fool you and is very dangerous.

Dominic: I was gonna ask: Has she got a nickname?

Hollamby: Yes. Mad. Tessa Spall. And you’re still wondering why.

Dominic: I meant a name she prefers.

Dom explains that not-Tessa said her name isn’t Tessa. I’m starting to confuse my not-self with these shenanigans.

They talk about the incident with Nikki and not-Barbara in the yard; Fenner dismisses it as “Wade throwing her weight around.” Then he and Sylvia suggest that Nikki and Yvonne swap cells, so they can punish Nikki and reward Yvonne for her recent good behavior (or, in their eyes, her willingness to help them get some extra dosh). Karen reluctantly agrees.

I love the way Di constantly chuckles at Sylvia during these meetings, and Sylvia doesn’t even realize she’s being chuckled at.

The swap — And just like that, Nikki and Yvonne trade spaces. Yvonne apologizes to Nikki.

Nikki: Oh, not your fault Fenner’s a complete bastard.

Fenner: You’re lucky you’re not going down the block.

Nikki: I’m lucky I keep all my privileges in here [pointing to her head] where you can’t touch ’em.

Fenner just walks away. Nikki seems to render him speechless sometimes, and isn’t that a nice break for us?

Dom escorts Nikki into her new cell — check out Nikki’s insolent swagger — and then asks her why she’s being so stupid about this. He says she should have talked to Miss Betts about the whole incident.

Nikki: Forget it; what for? A few extra quid and a duvet? It’s all s—.

Nikki says she just wishes she hadn’t saved Shell from not-Barbara. This raises Dominic’s suspicions again. McAllister’s back on the case! Go, go, biker boy!

Up in Yvonne’s new cell, Fenner asks for his money; he says he’ll call Charlie and tell him when and where he’ll collect. Yvonne assures him that in her family, they take care of their friends. Ick.

Now we know why they call her “mad” — Di finds not-Barbara and tells her Miss Betts is ready to see her. Not-Barbara says she has to stop at her cell first; she wants to take her handbook along so she can take notes. But what she really takes is her own blood — she fills a hypodermic with it and then tucks the needle into her sleeve.

Do you have any doubts now about who not-Barbara really is? Karen doesn’t: When not-Barbara walks into her office, Karen freezes.

Karen: Tessa!

Tessa: There seems to have been a bit of a mix-up.

Karen tries to stay calm and slowly reaches for the phone. In a flash (I’ve always wanted to say that), Tessa aims the needle at Karen’s hand and tells her to get her finger off the phone, or she’ll soon be HIV-positive. Karen complies, of course.

Tessa: Told you I’d get you back one day, didn’t I?

OK, this chick is freaking me out! She has those manic eyes and that too-smooth way of talking — all the hallmarks of a serial killer. Plus, well, there’s the infected syringe thing. That’s a nice touch.

Unraveling the mystery — Down the block, Dominic asks the real Barbara Hunt for her full name.

Barbara: How many times do I have to tell you people? I am Barbara Ann Hunt!

Dominic: Aw, s—.

Dominic tells another guard to get Barbara’s clothes for her. Oopsie.

The trouble with psychos — Mad Tessa aims the syringe right at Karen’s eye and tells her she’s brought this on herself.

Tessa: You took away the one lovely thing in my whole s—ting life, didn’t you? My Debbie. You took her away, and you turned her against me, you bitch.

Oh. So the psycho is also gay? Or maybe just opportunistically so, since she was in prison, after all. It seems Karen was Tessa’s personal officer and, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear, separated her from her beloved.

Tessa: You knew my head would go pop. You just didn’t give a toss!

Karen’s keeping her cool remarkably well, given the circumstances. Elsewhere, Dom is a little more frantic as he tells Jim and Di what’s going on.

Dominic: There’s been a cock-up. The real Barbara Hunt is down the block.

Di: Eh?!

Dominic: That means Karen’s seeing Tessa Spall.

And they rush to action like the “cri man squa” (crisis management squad) on The Office. This is so exciting!

Back in Karen’s office, Karen confesses.

Karen: You won’t like it, but the fact is, I split you and Debbie up because she asked me to. That’s the honest reason. She wanted to get away from you.

Hell hath no fury like a psycho scorned. It looks like Mad Tessa’s head might go pop again. She says she doesn’t believe a word of it and circles Karen, slinging that syringe around. She’s shaking so much I think she’s going to slip and accidentally inject Karen with the infected blood. Mad Tessa is like a schizo Little Orphan Annie with a death wish.

At exactly the wrong moment (surprise, surprise), Fenner bursts into the room. Karen’s not happy and tells him to get back. Tessa grabs Karen and tells her to start walking; she wants Karen to drive her out of there. Everybody slowly does as instructed, from Karen to Dom to Fenner in some sort of lithium-deficient assembly line.

After Karen and Tessa leave the hallway, Fenner and Dom hatch a plan; they call the gatehouse and ask the guards there to stall as long as they can. After a key-jangling succession of swinging gates and frantic strolls accompanied by clanging, suspenseful music, Fenner finally saves the day: He turns the fire hose on Tessa. Karen manages to get away. Like all good psychos, Tessa briefly rallies, grabbing the syringe and lunging toward Fenner — whee! — but he soaks her until she crumbles.

The aftermath — Tessa goes down the block and life goes on at Larkhall.

Di: Don’t suppose everyone calling her “mad” will have helped.

Dominic: Well, at least they’re not calling her “Barbara.”

Di chortles at this. She sure finds a lot to laugh about at Larkhall, doesn’t she?

A new roomie — Nikki’s new cell comes with an unexpected accessory: the real Barbara.

Nikki: What are you talking about? I don’t two-up; I’m a lifer.

Two-up? Is that what they’re calling it nowadays? Anyway, Nikki has no choice; Barbara needs help. She’s claustrophobic and needs company.

Barbara: They seem to think I’ll cope better if I share a cell. Though if you want my own opinion, we’re merely comparing types of hell. Now, where do you want me to put my toothbrush?

Hee. I think I like you, shrieky Barbara the claustrophobe. Nikki seems to see something in that little speech, too, and doesn’t protest.

Seerrrious developments — Zandra, who is still suffering from a headache, passes out in her cell. Denny and Dom are beside themselves with concern. Like, genuine concern, which is in short supply in this place.

Meanwhile, out on the golf course, Charlie Atkins is slipping an envelope into Fenner’s golf bag. But someone is snapping photos of both of them from the bushes. Good luck capturing Fenner on film: He obviously moves at the speed of light if he went from the fire hose to the golf course that quickly. What a jerk of all trades.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Shell unravels; Barbara is afraid Nikki’s going to put the moves on her; an unexpected visitor arrives.

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