THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:
The whiner: Crystal writes a letter to the editor.
The wool-puller: Shell decides to turn over a new leaf and lead a clean life.
The wisher: Monica just wants everything to go away.
Morning — At Helen’s flat, Helen and Sean are greeting the day. The music is sad. Why? Why would anything be sad when Helen’s around? Oh, right: She’s probably thinking about the death of Monica’s son. Sorry, I’m a heartless lech.
In the kitchen, Helen throws away an empty vodka bottle and then sips some fizzy stuff (presumably the British version of Alka-Seltzer, except it’s really orange). Aw, Miss Stewart has a hangover. The only thing that shocks me about these activities is the notion that she’d put an empty bottle in what looks like a trash bin. Don’t you recycle, Miss Stewart? Don’t you care about the fate of our planet?
Sean waltzes in and chuckles. He makes an annoying comment about how long it takes for the body to get rid of the alcohol from a glass of wine.
Helen: How long does it take to get rid of the s— from a day at my job?
And how long does it take to get rid of the floppy-haired, smart-mouthed brat standing next to you in the kitchen? Probably a while, because he’s just said he can help you unwind at the end of a long day. I just thought of another reason not to throw your empty vodka bottles away, Helen: You might need one later to break over Sean the Yawn’s head.
Sean wants to know whether Helen has told her father about their upcoming nuptials. He worries that she’s ashamed of him.
Helen: [My father's] never approved of anything I’ve done in my life. I can’t see this being any different.
My dad has approved of most things I’ve done in my life, but I don’t think he’d like Sean. I’m sure he’d prefer that I be with a smart and charming woman like the one I’ve got, if the alternative is a wet git like Sean.
Sean thinks Helen is a little too sensitive about her dad’s negative attitude.
Sean: Now, isn’t it time you put all that behind you?
Helen: Nice idea. It doesn’t actually work like that, though, does it?
Helen walks away from him while she’s talking. Heh. Here’s a dictionary, Sean: Look up "supportive." On second thought, don’t bother. Helen gets plenty of support from a certain raven-haired con on G-3.
Strutting — Denny is strutting and smiling. Isn’t she cute? I mean it — girlfriend’s got something sexy going on. And her coy mannerisms are adorable; she seems to have a secret she can’t wait to tell.
She finds the two Julies. Apparently she doesn’t have a secret; she has a joke:
Denny: Got a surprise for you, Julies.
Julie S.: [suspiciously] Oh, yeah?
Julie J.: [excitedly] Oh, yeah?
Denny: Straight up. Hold your hands out.
Julie S.: Watch her, Ju.
Julie J.: [putting out her hand and closing her eyes] I’ll watch her, Ju.
Denny: [putting an apple in Julie J's hand] Open ‘em.
Julie J.: [opening her eyes] Oh, it’s an apple! You twat. You said it was a surprise. I don’t wanna see one of them as long as I live.
Hee. In case you missed the last episode, that was a reference to the apple "wine" the Julies made. It tasted foul, but it did its job.
Also, what you can’t see in the transcribed lines is the intonation. The Julies are a great pair: Julie J. is often very childlike and trusting, while Julie S. is more circumspect. And they’re wacky, goofy, aging ladies of the night — what’s not to love?
Crystal says there are enough drugs in Larkhall without them adding to the substance-abuse problem by making wine.
Julie S.: Aw, take the cork out your ass, Crystal.
Crystal: If the papers knew what went on in here, there’d be a scandal.
Shell: Yeah, I bloody well agree.
Julie J.: That’s a good idea, Crystal — flash our boobs for the News of the World.
Julie S.: Out the cell window — fame at last, love!
Crystal stomps off in a huff. Crystal is pretty much always in a huff.
Elsewhere, Zandra and Shell talk about the return of Lorna Rose. It seems Lorna has been on holiday. And you, Zan? Where have you been? I don’t think you were in the last episode at all, which is sort of weird. But that’s what makes this show a true soap: The writers pick up story lines when they need them and let them dangle when they don’t. But the difference between this soap and many others is that the characters are fairly consistent. When they show up, that is.
I guess maybe Zan has just been busy accelerating her pregnancy. She’s suddenly really huge.
Zandra hopes Lorna has brought them some goodies, but Shell says she doesn’t want to bother Lorna anymore. This confuses Zandra and lets her know that something’s up; it doesn’t take a genius to realize that Shell would never say such a thing out of sympathy or magnanimousness. Not that Zandra’s not a genius — I think she’s probably pretty smart underneath all the smack.